Tag Archive | Sleep

There’s no room for pride in the confessional.

It’s confession time again.  I love confessing because I always feel lighter and freer afterwards, but I also hate it because sometimes the things that I confess are just downright embarrassing.  For instance…

Once again I have not been writing as much as usual because someone found out about my blog and I felt a noose tightening around my neck and stifling my voice.  Even though he told me that he wouldn’t read my blog anymore, I’ve decided that either way, I don’t care.  I’m going to write anyway.

By the time I found out that he had read my blog he had already read about six month’s worth of posts and he found out a lot more than I think he ever really wanted to know about me.  Oh well.  That’s his problem.  I can’t let that hold me back.

So to get you caught up I’m going to do a little confessional updating.

First of all I have still been seeing EB about once a week.  Why?  Well, after we had our little chat I thought that maybe there was still hope for him.  It was kind of funny because I was very honest with him and promised that I would continue to be honest about the things that he was doing that could hurt or hinder a relationship.  One day we were hanging out watching television and he was talking incessantly which drives me insane.  I had about enough so I just looked at him sternly and held up one finger to hush him.  It worked.  He smiled and said “See, that’s what I need!”  After that I had no problem telling him to shut up or be quiet.

I love talking with him, but sometimes, especially when trying to watch a tv show or movie, I want to pay attention to what I’m watching.  Otherwise, what’s the point of watching it?  I still have other issues with him, but he’s a work in progress.

The next confession is that I was talking to Manwhore again a few weeks or so ago and he talked me into coming to see him.  We were supposedly going to finish the video of his tour that we had started last year.  I took the train down one evening and after being an hour and a half late the train finally arrived in his city.  I took a cab to his apartment and he came downstairs and paid the driver.  I didn’t think much of it until we got upstairs, but he didn’t even bother giving me a hug or kiss or anything.  He just started telling me that he had a pizza in the oven and talking about some other bullshit.  When he came back into the room I was able to get him to stand still long enough to say hello to him.  He said hello and then attempted to hug me.  It was a sad excuse for a hug, especially when he had begged me to come down and see him and we hadn’t seen each other in a while.

After the pitiful hug we ate the pizza and then watched tv until he fell asleep.  I tried to sleep, but I felt so uncomfortable just being there that it wasn’t easy.  I woke up at 6:00 a.m. the next morning and got up to get something to drink.  He woke up too and when I got back into the bedroom he asked if I was going to stay or go home.  WTF?  I just got there and he’s telling me to go home already?  He’s fucking insane!  Ok, technically he’s bipolar, but still, he’s on meds now and he’s the one who begged me to come down there in the first place.  How could he do this to me, again?  He said that it was uncomfortable enough as it was and he didn’t see any point in my staying.

I asked him if he was going to drive me back home like he had promised.  I asked mainly because besides his promise, I really didn’t feel like sitting on the train for three hours again.  His rudely toned response was “I’m not driving you home today. You can just stay here if you don’t want to take the train.”  What an ass, but I already knew that didn’t I.  Silly me.  Why do I keep putting myself through this?

I was pissed off so I told him I’d get dressed and he could just take me to the train station.  It was 6:30 am and the train leaves at 7:00 am.  He got me there just in time and before I got out of his car he handed me $25 for the train ticket (FYI: it wasn’t enough).  I asked if he was at least going to wait and make sure that I got a ticket and he said he would go park and wait.  I didn’t say goodbye or anything else to him.  I went inside and got my ticket and then got on the train because it was already boarding and about to leave.  Once I was settled in on the train I sent him a text that simply said “bye.”  He replied back “bye.”  He didn’t even apologize.  This pissed me off even more.  I sent him one last text that said “Don’t bother me anymore.  I can’t keep doing this.  I’m going to puke now.”  Maybe the part about going to puke was a little over the top, but it was true.  After he told me that morning that he basically wanted me to go home I became physically ill.  It was probably just from knowing that I had been stupid and fallen for his charms yet again.  Never again though.  I haven’t talked to or heard from him since.  Thank God.

So, yeah, that’s pretty much how the beginning of my 37th year on this planet has gone.  My stupidity continues, as does my never-ending quest for love & sex.

Happy humping!

The end is near…hopefully.

I find it a little strange that two men from my past married women who look eerily similar to myself.  In spite of what you may have heard I am not a megalomaniac or narcissistic.  I have no delusions of grandeur.  If I did I almost certainly wouldn’t be stuck here with Skaterboi wanting to stab myself with a fork.  Sometimes I wish I were telepathic, just so I could figure out what the hell men are thinking.

Lately four words have been constantly repeating in my mind: miserable, bored, lonely, and depressed.  What a sad state my life is in.  I know it’s not as bad as it could be, but still, this relationship is killing me.  I’ve avoided writing much lately because I don’t like being bitchy and a complainer, but I need to vent.  So until I’m able to get out of my current living situation I’m just going to have to vent here.

It’s gotten to the point where Skaterboi hardly ever says hello when he comes in or goodbye when he leaves.  It had been probably three or four weeks since we slept together, mostly because I didn’t want to deal with him.  I decided two weeks ago that I would give him another chance.  I went to the bedroom to go to bed thinking that Continue reading

Beware the Snake Comes

Is it strange that I suddenly have the urge to want to see Skaterboi have sex with another woman?  I think I’m losing my mind, what’s left of it.

I’ve also been thinking of changing Skaterboi’s alias to Asshole instead.  He’s actually an ex-skateboader, but he still keeps a skateboard in the back of his truck.  The truck is covered in some kind of punk band stickers, one of which has something about “Fuckin'” on it.  That’s the main reason I haven’t introduced him to my parents yet.  He also has continued to verbally harass me.  Abuse is too strong of a word in this case.  His comments are purely sarcastic and demeaning and hurtful.  The deliberations continue.

Please pray for me to have patience. 🙂

Beware the Snake

I wish I could channel all of Skaterboi’s hostility, anger, and aggressiveness into something useful.  Such as him coming in and laying one of those hard big kisses on me.  Taking me to the bed and ravishing me, but in a good “making love” sort of way.  Certainly not just using me as a blow-up doll to cum all over.

Somewhere, every day, there is an evil whore brewing her poison.  Hee hee hee (low long punctuated hees).  (That’s my evil laugh.  I know.  It needs work.)

P.S.  I had a dream about a snake last night.  I saw it like a video of the snake slithering in our front yard in the middle of the grass.  I felt like I was standing on the deck looking down on it.  I woke up with a gasp of fear.  I found several meanings of seeing a snake in dreams, but none were good.  They were all quite ominous meanings.  Things that make you go, hmmm. 🙂

In a Blues Brothers State of Mind

This morning I woke up, in a Blues Brothers state of mind.  Sometimes, you just have to say, fuck it.  It’s Saturday and tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  I haven’t been able to go into the city because I’m afraid.  I found out that I’m a wanted woman, wanted by a man for something that I said and something that he did.  Being cooped up inside all the time like I usually am can drive a person insane.  I’ve cut all my hair off, dyed it black, and just stopped caring what people think of me.  The Preacher wanted me to come up to his church for service tomorrow, but I just don’t have the energy.

I got home yesterday after spending four days with my sister and nephew.  When I got home the sink was full of dirty dishes, the house was a mess, and Skaterboi was next door drinking beer with the landlord and some other people.  He hobbled back home saying that his foot was bothering him again.  He said it started hurting again that morning and that’s why he hadn’t done the dishes.  I asked if they were all from the night before.  I knew they weren’t.  He said no they weren’t.  So he had four days to do the dishes, but he didn’t.  I’m not obsessive about having the house spotlessly clean, but dirty dishes sitting in the sink for four days is just too much for me to handle.

I can’t wait to get my little motor home and hit the road.