Tag Archive | Religion and Spirituality

Life goes on, man.

thedudeSo, I’m still alive.  After my last post I had to wait a few more weeks before I could see the cardiologist.  The only problem was that I still didn’t have health insurance and I knew the follow-up visit with the cardiologist and any further testing was just going to put me further in debt.  I had checked into “Obama care” but it was outside of the enrollment period so I was running out of options.  However, if you have a “qualifying life event”, such as a marriage, you can enroll outside of the enrollment period.  So that’s exactly what I did.  I asked Buck if he would go ahead and marry me so that I could get the health insurance.  Very romantic isn’t it?

When I called the Preacher to tell him, I hesitated because this is marriage number three for me and I was afraid he would think I was making anther mistake.  However, when I was telling him about the insurance and how I had to have a “qualifying life event” such as a marriage, he immediately asked, “So when’s the wedding?”  Oh, Daddy.  You’re such a softy.  He knows me so well, and at this point in our lives he doesn’t even bother to question my motives or actions.  I do love that Preacher Daddy of mine.

weddingpicAnyway, because Buck didn’t want me to die and because we were eventually going to get married anyway (I assumed), he agreed and on June 11, 2016, I became a married woman, again.  We planned on going to the courthouse and having a quickie wedding, but his mother wouldn’t allow it.  We ended up having a nice little, and I do mean little, wedding on the back deck of her house.  There were a dozen people there and that included the bride and groom.  My family couldn’t make it due to the short notice, so it was mostly Buck’s family.  My boss lady did come to support me though.  She’s a sweetie.  She even made me a gorgeous bouquet to match my dress.  Speaking of my dress, it wasn’t an actual wedding dress.  It was a white 50’s style dress with a pretty print of cherries and little yellow flowers that I found on Amazon.com for a whopping $25.   I wore red shoes to give it that extra little pop. 🙂

this-is-your-ordinationSo after the wedding there was no honeymoon, just a super short reception and then back home to hang out with our Dude and our Red-Headed Step-Child.  Our Dude is literally our “dude” (you know, the guy you buy your herbs from).  He also is an ordained priest in the Church of the Latter-Day Dude.  (I HIGHLY recommend having your Dude perform your wedding ceremony.)  Our Red-Headed Step-Child is our friend who is a manager of a clothing store by day, and a Drag Queen by night.  She’s Buck’s friend who originally thought I was a crazy stalker luring him to Mississippi to show him my nonexistent shrine to him and then steal his kidney.  Needless to say, they are two of my favorite people.

Now that we’re married it’s time to get back to me…my heart I mean.  I went to the doctor and she told me that I needed to have a heart cath in order for them to find out for certain whether I had any blockages in my heart.  I had that done last Thursday.  They put a tiny tube in a vein in my right wrist and then up to my heart.  I was somewhat medicated so I don’t remember it all, but I assume they shot some dye in, looked around, and saw that there were no blockages.  However, while they were poking around, my heart decided to do it’s crazy arrhythmia thing and they had to give me a shot of something to get it back to normal, temporarily.

So now my wrist is all bruised up and it’s sore, but I’ll live, I hope.  I have a follow-up visit with the doctor on Friday to find out what they are going to do about my wonky heartbeat.  It’s not supposed to be life threatening really, but it’s bad enough to cause me to have lots of chest pain and make me weak and tired all the time.  I’m hoping they are just going to go back in and stick a pacemaker in me and get it over with.

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I may work in a Beauty School, but I am no Beauty School Drop Out. Also, I think this should be my Halloween Costume this year. 🙂

Until then I’m keeping my nitroglycerin pills handy and trying to keep my stress levels low.  That is easier said than done of course.  My job is insane and my co-workers are equally insane and the students like to test my patience and sanity.  I will get through this though, just like everything else.  Even though I may hit bottom, many times, I always make my way back up to the surface long enough to catch my breath.

Until next time…

Peace, love, & happiness.

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What I think about Lifetime’s new show “Preacher’s Daughters”

165966_495022397201128_1431375662_nRachel asked, “What is your take on the new show coming to Lifetime called Preacher’s Daughters?”  I figured that instead of just replying to her comment, I’d turn it into a post.  Because this is going to be more than I can fit into one paragraph.

First of all, I don’t like most “reality tv” because it’s not reality.  It’s a twisted sexed up version of reality.  The networks only make those shows because so many American’s are either stupid enough to believe that it’s real, or they just don’t care and like to indulge on crap tv.  Watching your favorite “guilty pleasure” tv show is fine, just don’t believe everything you see on tv.

Now that I’ve said that, let’s get on with the show.  When I spoke with the producers of this show a year ago, I thought that it was going to be a top-notch documentary on preacher’s daughters, not a religious version of “Teen Moms.”  Thankfully, my age disqualified me from being a part of this show.  Also, there’s no way the Preacher would have ever agreed to something like this.

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The preachers and their daughters.

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but after watching the promo for the show, I was not impressed.  It was more like mentally and spiritually offended.  Of course, during the promo, they showed a clip of one of the girls having to break the “I’m pregnant” news to daddy.  Then you hear the dad asking the girl how many (guys she’s been with) and saying that they need a paternity test.  They are just trying to boost ratings, and that’s exactly how to do it.

I also feel a little sorry for the girls on the show.  After watching all the clips online, it seems that their parents, like so many religious zealots (including my parents), have control issues.  I know that my dad was so controlling of me that I never would have even dared ask him if I could go out on a date.  Once, in seventh grade, I asked him if I could go to a school dance with a female friend, and his answer was, “No. All they do is play heathen music and the boys and girls dance together. You’re not allowed to ever go to those dances.”  I knew right then that my social life was going to be nonexistent until after I moved out of the Preacher’s house, and I was right.  I sure made up for it later though, and so will these girls.  Actually, since times are very different now, these girls seem to be more rebellious earlier than I ever was.  At least I waited until I was 18 and out of my dad’s house.  Even then I tried to be a “good girl” and managed to stay a virgin until I was twenty-two.  These girls are only sixteen and seventeen and they are already dressing like bimbo sluts and sneaking around having sex.

ok_3-8-13_preacher-daughters_stackedMy sister, Fallen Angel, and I agree that just because a girl’s father is a preacher, that doesn’t mean she rebels any more than other kids.  It just means that she’s scrutinized more closely than other kids.  Being a preacher’s daughter means having a constant spotlight on you and being constantly judged.  Unfair as it may be, it’s the truth.  If the average teenage girl gets pregnant then she’s just a statistic, and no one really thinks twice about it.  Hell, they even give some of them their own “reality shows.”  However, if a preacher’s daughter gets pregnant out of wedlock, it’s a huge shock, a scandal, a blemish on her family’s name and reputation.  It’s ridiculous.  Kids are kids, and yes, some of them are going to have sex.  It doesn’t matter who their parents are or what their parents do for a living.

This show is just another example of how the media is pushing a stereotype about a group of people.  It’s stereotyping Christians, preachers, and of course preacher’s daughters.  It’s true that some preacher’s daughters rebel with a vengeance (i.e. ME), but many of them lead normal, happy, productive lives.  I’m sure that the producers of this show had a plethora of teenage girls to choose from for this show, including some very nice, good, and normal ones.  Yet, they chose to have only the “wild” and “rebellious” ones on the show.  Probably because good girls don’t boost ratings like slutty girls do.  That’s sad, but true.

The fathers of these girls are another matter entirely.  I don’t know how any true “man of God” who could allow their church, family, and daughters to be put on television and exploited in this way.  Well, I can think of a couple of ways they would allow it…if they were sucked in by the greed and/or fame.  Even if they did/do have the best of intentions in signing up for this show, they will soon learn that it’s not exactly like they thought it would be.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not too worried that the show will cast Christians in a negative light.  Plenty of Christians do that all on their own.  I’m worried about any negative stereotypes being encouraged.  Sure we can laugh and make jokes based on stereotypes, but in the end all they really do is hold us all back as a society.

Maybe you think I’m encouraging the stereotype about preacher’s daughters.  If so then you probably haven’t read much of this blog.  Even my tagline at the top says “Nobody’s perfect. Why should I be any different?”  And that’s exactly how I feel about it.  I’m no different from anyone else.  I have my good parts, my bad parts, my crazy parts, and my normal parts.  I have good days and bad days just like everyone else.  If I’m going to be judged on something, let me be judged on the kind of person that I am, not on who my father is.

I think the girls on this show should be given the same respect.  They should be judged on who they are, and not on how controlling or extremist or conservative their fathers are.  God knows, they will have a hard enough time as it is just being teenage girls.

Happy humping!

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I didn’t see it coming

I told you a while back that my sister met a man the day of the trail ride & crawfish boil.  He’s a cowboy of course, and a good bit older than her.  He was also very funny and flirty.  Just her type.  So a few days later she asked if I would babysit Little Bubba for a while so that she could hang out with him.  It turned out that all they did was go across the road to Dolly’s Cabin and “hang out.”  Of course we all know what that means.

The next night after her “date” we were sitting at the dining room table eating dinner and I asked how her “date” went.  With a big goofy grin on her face she told me that it was “something.”  Something?  I wasn’t sure what that meant so I inquired further.  She told me that he was very large.  She wasn’t talking about his weight.  He’s an average sized guy.  Not bad-looking either.  No, she was talking about something else.  She said he was porn star big.  Therefore, furthermore, he will be called Porn Dick.

She explained that it was the biggest one she’d never seen.  Yes, that’s right.  She said never seen.  Evidently the lights were off when things started getting hot and heavy and then she said what would become a running joke for us.  “It was huge!  I just didn’t see it coming!”

At that point I started laughing and the conversation continued to go further into the gutter full of dick jokes and cum-filled innuendos.  I almost wet my panties I was laughing so hard.

God Hates No One

A few weeks later we were sitting on the front porch one evening talking about a sign that a local church had posted in their front window.  It said “We welcome everyone including HOMOSEXUALS. Come Sunday for explanation.”  Someone had taken a picture of it and posted it on Facebook.  The local gay/lesbian community was not happy with it, and I can’t say that I blame them.  The church in question isn’t known for its tolerance towards people with views that differ from their own.  The tag line on their website says, “Come as you are, but don’t expect to stay that way.”  Unfortunately that should be a positive message, but it’s actually more of a testimony to how judgmental and controlling they are.  It should say, “Come as you are, but if you want to keep coming you’ll have to conform to our views of what a Christian should be (not God’s).”

So while sis and I were sitting on the porch and talking I mentioned that we should start our own church for freaks and rejects.  She was amused and halfheartedly agreed.  I was serious though.  I’m sick of so-called Christians thinking that people have to conform to their beliefs to be saved.  What about God?  Shouldn’t He be the one who we are worried about pleasing and conforming to what He wants us to be?  God loves everyone.  How do these churches expect to get people to come worship with them when all they do is judge and demean anyone who doesn’t meet with their approval?

The worst part was when my sister sent a text to an acquaintance of hers.  He is a member of that very same church, and even teaches several classes there.  The text she sent him asked about the sign.  He said that he did know about the sign, but wasn’t sure what the pastor was going to “explain” on Sunday.  Then came the kicker.  He said, “Personally though, I hate fucking fags.”  Wow.  There’s a shining example of a small town dumb-ass fake Christian right there folks.

Oops.  I started getting a little preachy there didn’t I?  Well, that’s alright.  You know why?  Because while I was waiting on my chicken fingers to be deep-fried at the local gas station/fried food emporium last week, I became an ordained minister online.  It took about five minutes and it’s legal in most states.  So now not only can I do wedding ceremonies, funerals and the like, I can also start my own church if I so choose.  Who knows.  Maybe I will do just that.  The Preacher always did say that he thought I was called into the ministry.  Maybe my ministry will be helping the freaks and rejects, like myself and my sister, have a place to worship freely without fear of judgement from anyone other than God.

Happy humping!

P.S.  My sister drives me crazy in many ways, but I would never trade her for anything.

Change for the better

People always tell me, “Don’t change yourself for anyone.”  Why not?  Change is supposed to be good right?  More importantly, I know I need to makes some changes for the better.  So why not change myself for someone?  As long as I’m doing it for the right reasons it should be considered a good thing.  Right?

I understand what they mean when they say not to change for anyone.  I’m not that dense.  I just wanted to make that clear.  What if I were a drug addict and in order for someone to want to be with me I had to stop using drugs?  Then that would obviously be a good thing to change for someone.  Don’t worry.  I’m not a drug addict.  Sometimes an extreme example is what it takes to get a point across.

Everyone probably thinks it’s pretty clear that I am a borderline sex addict.  I’ve even questioned that lately though.  Maybe it’s not the sex that I’m addicted to or even really want.  Maybe it’s the attention, or the desire to be loved, or just the desire to be with someone who cares about me.

Things happen to us in our lives that shape who we are and nudge us in certain directions.  The things that have happened to me, the things I have learned, have turned me into what I affectionately call the “beautiful monster.”  I’m a nice, caring, loving, giving person, but inside I am full of dark secrets that most people in my life never know about.  I refuse to let those secrets tear me apart anymore.  I’m not about to announce to the world who I really am, or tell the people in my life everything about me.  I’m just not going to let my past rule my future.  It’s time to move on and make a better me.

When I found out about the Preacher’s indiscretions, it tore me apart.  I couldn’t believe that someone who I thought was infallible could actually be just as depraved as I am.  Maybe it just really hurt to learn that the saying “like father, like daughter”, really does have a lot of truth to it.  My point is that finding this out about him hardened my heart a little and caused me to give up some hope of ever finding a good man.  After all, if the Preacher couldn’t be trusted, then who could be?

These early morning posts are becoming more and more bizarre and way too insightful for my tastes, but maybe that’s a good thing.

I do have a couple of questions for you.  If you had the opportunity to share your true self with the world, including the people who know you, would you?  Why do we feel the need to keep secrets from the ones we care about?

Who am I?

I’ve been a cheater, a liar, a thief, and a slut.  I always got caught though.  Once caught I was forced to take a long hard look at myself and decide whether I wanted to continue being those things.  Consciously I always chose to take the path towards becoming a better person.  That doesn’t mean that it was easy to change my ways, or that I never did those things again.  I still slip up occasionally.

I really do want to be a good person and believe that I am a good person.  I’m just a good person who does bad things sometimes.  Growing up in the church I was taught that there is only right and wrong.  If you did wrong, unless you asked for forgiveness you were sinning and headed for eternal damnation.  It was enough to scare the pants off of a little kid.  Fear is what motivated me into being a good girl growing up, not a desire to be a good Christian.  I was afraid of God and the Preacher.  The fear of disappointing the Preacher also kept me from doing a lot of varied and nefarious things that I would have liked to have done.  Why do you think it took me 19 years to go on my first date and 22 years to lose my virginity?  I was scared shitless of being thought of as a bad person and of going to hell.

There came a point though when I screwed up so bad and got caught that I just gave up the fight.  I decided that even though what I had done was wrong, I had not done anything nearly as bad as what all they were accusing me of, so why not just do it.  That was fifteen years ago and I’m still somewhat stuck in that mindset.  I don’t know if it’s just my way of proving to myself that I am free to do what I want, or if it’s just a bad habit that I can’t get rid of.

For the last two years this blog has been my saving grace.  It has allowed me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings and to confess my bad behaviors.  I’ve been especially surprised by how writing has helped me think through things and figure out what I really believe and what I really want.  It’s forced me to look inside myself and when I go back and read over what I’ve written I am able to see my faults with shining clarity.

I don’t want to stop looking at myself and trying to make myself a better person.  If I were to stop doing that then what is the point of living this crazy life?

Manwhore told me last night that I would give away everything I had, every last dollar, to help someone.  That I am one of the best people he knows.  I wish I could see myself like that, but it’s so difficult knowing the things that I’ve done.  Even though I’ve literally begged God for forgiveness at times, I’m just not sure that’s enough.  I feel like no matter what I say or do, it’s never enough.

Every day is a battle for me, trying to reconcile what I was taught growing up in church and how I would really like to live my life.  I have so many issues with the church that it isn’t even funny anymore.  I may try to see the humor in it all, but sometimes that’s impossible.

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with all of this, but it feels good to get it all out.  So until next time…

God bless.