Tag Archive | rape

Love & Sex Q&A #101

Love & Sex101

Does the thought of physical force during sex excite you in any way?

Being a woman who has had sex forced upon me I do not find it exciting.  I find it demeaning and cruel.  When I was 22 I was slipped a date rape drug and woke up not able to remember what had happened.  I only knew that something had happened and I was violently ill for three days afterwards.

Then there was the time in NYC when a guy forced anal on me.  There have also been other times when men have tried to penetrate me analy and I had to make them stop.  Even a couple of times I have had vaginal sex and something about the angle was bad and painful and I had to tell the guy to stop.  Most men do stop when you tell them that they are hurting you, but some men don’t.  Some men have told me that “it’s supposed to hurt.”  I beg to differ.  If it is painful then I am not enjoying it and do not want to continue.

I will confess however that a few years ago I got into playing Second Life online, and found some very strange areas to explore.  There are whole “neighborhoods” set up like inner cities or other scary areas where you can role-play being raped or forced into sexual acts.  I did try it a few times, but overall I was not turned on by the things that people would say when role-playing during these scenarios.

I think it was mostly just curiosity that made me want to try it.  Having been raped and forced into doing things that were painful may have caused me to have a heightened interest in it.  I’ll leave that for a therapist to decide one day.

Happy humping!

In a Blues Brothers State of Mind

This morning I woke up, in a Blues Brothers state of mind.  Sometimes, you just have to say, fuck it.  It’s Saturday and tomorrow is Easter Sunday.  I haven’t been able to go into the city because I’m afraid.  I found out that I’m a wanted woman, wanted by a man for something that I said and something that he did.  Being cooped up inside all the time like I usually am can drive a person insane.  I’ve cut all my hair off, dyed it black, and just stopped caring what people think of me.  The Preacher wanted me to come up to his church for service tomorrow, but I just don’t have the energy.

I got home yesterday after spending four days with my sister and nephew.  When I got home the sink was full of dirty dishes, the house was a mess, and Skaterboi was next door drinking beer with the landlord and some other people.  He hobbled back home saying that his foot was bothering him again.  He said it started hurting again that morning and that’s why he hadn’t done the dishes.  I asked if they were all from the night before.  I knew they weren’t.  He said no they weren’t.  So he had four days to do the dishes, but he didn’t.  I’m not obsessive about having the house spotlessly clean, but dirty dishes sitting in the sink for four days is just too much for me to handle.

I can’t wait to get my little motor home and hit the road.

Forgiveness: What it means to me.

I’ve always been pretty good at being able to forgive people when they have hurt me, well, eventually.  My Christian upbringing probably has something to do with that.  My mother, one of the sweetest most loving and sincere women that I know, has always had a wonderful ability to forgive and not hold grudges, even at times when most would think it impossible to forgive or even reasonable not to forgive.  She’s been the shining example in my life of how to live a grudge-free and hate-free life.  She taught me that hating someone and not forgiving people when they do things that hurt you is not the way to gain peace and harmony in life.  Because in the end, I’m the one that will be judged by God and I really don’t want to go to that last meeting with hatred and bitterness in my heart.  In the past few years I seemed to have forgotten some of those values that she taught me and have held things inside that have eaten me up so bad that it has made me depressed and physically ill.  I don’t want to live like that anymore.  I want to be free from all that negativity and be able to let my little light shine.

Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as “the act of forgiving” and forgiving is defined as “allowing room for error or weakness.”  My tagline on my blog is “Nobody’s perfect.  Why should I be any different.”  Without even realizing it I think I was making a proclamation that I wanted to start forgiving myself of things that I’ve done and forgiving those that have hurt me.  It’s funny how it can take a long time to realize the true meaning behind thoughts that I have and things that I’ve written.

Recently I had a moment of clarity that made my heart jump for joy.  I realized that I had forgiven someone who had hurt me very badly, and through that forgiveness, beyond the pain and hurt, I had grown stronger and smarter.  Forgiving the person was what really made me feel lighter and better.  I’ve read that “Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.”  That’s so true and very important.  Once I had forgiven the person, and after they reached out to me, I saw that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was.  Even though I had been lied to and deceived, I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge.  I make mistakes like everyone else.  You never know what people are really going through.  I know that when people ask me how I am I usually say “fine” only because if I told them how I’m really doing it would just be too hard to explain why.

As I mentioned above, holding feelings of hatred and bitterness in your heart can cause stress related problems such as anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, headaches, and ulcers.  It’s strange how our bodies physically react to stress and emotional pain.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve had some of these physical problems and I know they are definitely stress related.  In the past I’ve even contemplated suicide.  It’s still sort of a taboo subject, but it needs to be discussed.  Having such thoughts is not as uncommon as we like to think.  Even the best of us get depressed sometimes.  I once had a conversation with my grandmother about having thoughts of suicide and being the wonderful Christian woman that she was she did not judge me.  She actually opened up and told me that she too had those thoughts in the past.  The important thing to remember is that there is always someone who loves you and who would miss you, and that suicide is a very selfish act.  That’s what always stopped me.  I would start thinking about my family and how much it would hurt them if I did something like that.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  It can heal you and make you a better, more understanding, and loving person.  Forgiveness is for you, not for those that have hurt you.  Another benefit of forgiving someone is that once you do forgive them, you won’t even have to say anything, it will show in your attitude and actions.  They will see that change in you and often their own attitudes and actions will change.  So let your little light shine and be a good example for others to follow.  🙂

My Top 5 Most Memorable Sexual Encounters

I already know before I even begin this list that it’s going to be extremely difficult to narrow it down to the top five.  That’s probably because I’m not listing my best or my favorites but my most memorable (good and bad).  There’s a difference.  I’m a bit of a “freak in the sheets” or so I’ve been told and I crave the excitement that comes from being with people with fetishes, people who can teach me things and people who are open-minded.  Not that I don’t like romance.  I’m all for romance, but that can get a little boring after an extended period of time with the same person.  And seeing as how I haven’t been getting much lately all I have now are memories.  So here’s my list.

1.  Having sex standing up in the bathroom of a gay club in Atlanta with a hot little go-go boy while people were outside waiting to get in.  They knew what we were up to.  LOL

2.  The night that I brought home a brother from the 24-hour club and fucked him on my friend’s bed.  Then my gay/bi (he didn’t like labels) male friend came in and caught us.  He just told us to finish up and for the guy to get the hell out.  I think getting caught was the hottest part. 😉  When he walked in I was on top by the way.

3.  In reference to my gay/bi friend above…one Easter Sunday we were hanging out at the pool getting loaded and high and somehow ended up calling a friend of mine that I had been casually dating and we asked him to come over.  He picked us up, took us to a girls & guys strip club and I got my first lap dance from a woman.  It was hot.  I think that’s when my jungle fever started.  The girl who gave me the lap dance was a gorgeous dark-skinned black girl with major curves.  She was wearing one of those one-piece bathing suit type outfits that has a deep-V all the way down to below the belly button and barely covers the nipples.  It was red, white, and blue, stars & stripes.  God bless America.  LOL

Later on we went back to the apartment and had a semi-threesome.  Me in the middle sucking my friend’s dick and then reversing and my male friend sucking my gay/bi friend’s dick with me doing hand-play.  In the end I was sucking my male friend off while my gay/bi friend was behind me.  Foggy memories, but fun ones.  By the way that was a very very long time ago.  I learned a long time ago that threesomes are fun at the time, but cause nothing but trouble afterward.

4.  From threesomes to transvestites.  While I was sowing my wild oats in Atlanta my two best gay friends decided that since I was a Rocky Horror virgin we absolutely must get high and go to the midnight showing one Friday night.  So we did and it was amazing.  I know, drugs are bad, mmkay?  Don’t judge me.  I was sowing my wild oats for Pete’s sake.  Anyway, I think this started my thing for transvestites.  Well, that and going to see Charlie Brown’s Cabaret three times a week.  God Bless the Drag Queens.

So one night while hanging out at our usual 24-hour club waiting on the drag show to start I caught a woman eying me from the other end of the very large rectangular bar.  I thought she was a woman.  Then my friend quickly informed me that she was a he.  I was a little shocked at first, but he/she kept on making eye contact and finally came over to talk to me.  Up close she didn’t look as much like a woman as from afar, but I still found her appealing.  I don’t know if it was more curiosity or horniness that got me to actually go back to the hotel with her.  Once we got to the hotel I was actually trying to get her/him to remove the wig, but he wanted to keep it on so I just went with the flow.  It was not really the greatest sex, but it was so exciting and different, and he was pleasantly well endowed, that I think I came at least five times that night before leaving him in a crumpled ecstasy-induced sleep on the bed and heading home.  If marijuana is a gateway drug into harder drugs like cocaine (bullshit by the way), then sleeping with a transvestite was my gateway into lesbianism.

5.  As I said in the beginning, not all of these are good memorable experiences.  My worst and most memorable sexual experience was all thanks to a cute frat-boy type sports writer.  He was in town covering the NY Knicks game and asked if I wanted free tickets and that I could bring a friend.  Once the game was over we would have time to go out for a drink and hang out.  I’m a sucker for anything free and especially if it involves a hot guy and possible hot sex with said hot guy, so I quickly accepted.  The game was great, I had a few beers with my friend and even got to see JFK Jr. sitting down in the floor seats.

After the game we all went to a bar and had some drinks.  My friend BSL decided it was time for him to split so that my hottie and I could have some alone time.  We had a few more drinks and then decided to go back to his hotel room.  This guy was so hot that I was ready to rip his clothes of right there in the elevator, but I kept my composure until we got to the room.  Things seemed to be going great, then he decided that he wanted anal.  I don’t do anal and I told him that I wasn’t into that.  I have a perfectly tight pussy, so why should a guy have to fuck me up the ass?  He insisted that I would enjoy it.  I should have gotten up and left right then but I didn’t.  He started doing it, no lube, nothing.  It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced.  I yelled at him to stop and finally had to push him off of me to get him to stop.  I immediately got dressed and left, never to speak to him again.

I’m not saying it was rape, but it definitely crossed a line.  I was in so much pain the next day that I couldn’t even get out of bed.  Lesson learned: never trust any man and never give in to their sweet talking.  Sad for me to admit, but I’m still working on that last part.  I give in to sweet talkers entirely too easily.  But when push comes to shove, I have no problem kicking a guy in the nuts if he is hurting me and refuses to stop.

I felt compelled to add the last one because there are pros and cons when it comes to sex.  Women especially have to be careful.  Besides being safe and using protection, you have to be safe in other ways too.  Not all sex is fun and exciting.  Sometimes it can be painful and traumatic.

With that said, happy humping.

10 Things That Turn Me Off

As a follow up to 10 Things That Turn Me On, here’s my list of 10 things that turn me off.

1.  Pushy, overbearing, controlling men. I do not need a man telling me what I need to be doing or should be doing 24/7.  This includes texting/calling/emailing constantly to check up on me and see where I am and what I am doing.  That can make me think that you don’t trust me or you have control issues.  Plus I just need my space sometimes. Continue reading