Tag Archive | premature ovarian failure

Love & Sex Q&A #1

Love & Sex1

If tomorrow you found out that you and your partner had just conceived a child, how would you react?  How do you think it might change your relationship?

Well, considering that today is Mother’s Day, I thought I’d go backwards and put this question up.  I do find it a little strange that this is the very first question in the book.  Why start out with this one?  Maybe because it should be an easy one to answer, but as always with me, it’s never that simple.

First of all I’d have to have sex with my partner to conceive a child with him.  That hasn’t been happening lately.  Secondly, it would have to be an all out miracle for me to conceive a child because of my POF.  So if I somehow got pregnant I’d probably faint when I found out.

If we’re talking specifically about my conceiving a child with Skaterboi then that would not be good at all.  He doesn’t want kids or to ever get married.  He said he doesn’t believe in it.  How can you not believe in marriage?  I can understand not agreeing with something, but marriage does exist.  There’s no doubt about that.

So if Skaterboi and I were to conceive a child it would probably have a disastrous outcome.  He would probably not want anything to do with it.  I’d either have to raise it myself, or consider alternatives.  I’m not going to get into the abortion or Plan B or Pro-Life debates because my personal feelings on those subjects would surely offend a lot of people and I’m not looking to offend anyone, not knowingly at least.

In a way I consider myself blessed by not being able to have children.  It has given me the freedom to explore my sexuality without having to worry about any “Oops, I’m preggo” moments.  Condoms aren’t 100% effective and neither is the pill.  Also, when I was married, I didn’t use protection.  Why?  Well, because I just didn’t feel the need to.  Heaven forbid if I had gotten pregnant by one of my ex-husbands, especially the first one, the Con Artist.  That would have definitely been a disaster and a half.

I also believe that not being able to have children has made me more selfish than I probably should be.  I’ve never had to make sacrifices for anyone other than my family.  Children change most people and make them more responsible and unselfish.  It’s an admirable thing.  For me though, my selfishness has probably caused problems in most of my relationships.  I’ve never felt tied down to one place or one person.  That freedom is a wonderful thing, but it can also cause a person to roam aimlessly throughout life.  I am learning that there are more important things in life than what I want.  I hope God continues to open my eyes to things larger than myself.

The Great Pretender

Again I called the doctor’s office today.  I got yet another story about how they didn’t have the refill requests and I should call the pharmacy, again.  I called the pharmacy and they said that she had denied the requests.  Finally I found out from a lady at the doctor’s office that it wouldn’t be approved until I came in for a one-year exam.  I asked how much that costs because I don’t have insurance now.  It’s only $160.  Only $160?  Gee, considering that is only $10 less than what I get every week from workers comp, that’s nothing.  Sure I can pay that…in your freaking dreams lady!  Let’s see, do I choose food and shelter, or do I choose to pay my bitch of a doctor$160 just so I can see her for ten minutes and have her ask how I’m doing?

Yes, I am on the verge of having a freak-out attack.  Maybe someone out there understands how it feels to suddenly have your body’s supply of hormones taken away.  It’s like a never-ending loop of hot flashes, cold sweats, weakness, fatigue, headaches, insomnia, mood swings, and then more hot flashes.  I feel like I can barely get out of bed and when I do I don’t want anyone near me, but at the same time I feel so incredibly lonely.  I went through that for years before a decent doctor finally figured out what the hell was wrong with me.  Unfortunately, once I moved down here I had to find a new doctor.  Now she won’t give me a damn refill.  If she denies it one more time I’m liable to end up in the psych ward by tonight.

Until I check in later, here’s a song that is really speaking to me today.  Keep in mind that the people who I see in my everyday life don’t have a clue unless I tell them what’s going on.  I usually don’t do that.  I save it all for you.  Don’t you feel special? 😉

The Pretender was written by Buck Ram and covered by Freddie Mercury on the album Lover Of Life – Singer Of Songs: The Very Best Of Freddie Mercury.  Few songs speak to me like this one does.  I tried linking a YouTube video, but I haven’t been able to get it to work for the last few days.  So instead I’m posting the lyrics.

The Pretender

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Pretending I’m doing well
My need is such
I pretend too much
I’m lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game but to my real shame
You’ve left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of Continue reading

Follow up to “Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about me?”

Quidmont recently replied to an older post of mine titled “Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about me?” and asked some very thought provoking questions.

  • Is Bobblehead Nerd’s attitude unique in your experience?

Unfortunately, no.  Although his attitude was more extreme than any other man’s I had dealt with before.  He was not the only nor the last man that I’ve been with that had that “I’m horny so you have to take care of it whether you want to or not” attitude.

  • Do most guys take it in stride when you’re not in the mood and just accept it?  Or what is the general reaction.

Most men do take it in stride.  Most men are understanding when I’m not in the mood due to sickness or just being too tired.  For me it’s usually only been the narcissistic or extremely low self-esteem types that act like sex is a requirement no matter how I am feeling at the moment.

I have to give recognition to my second husband because he and I went through very long (four months at a time) dry spells after we got married.  I did not have health insurance at the time and could not afford my hormone replacement medications.  I’ve suffered from premature ovarian failure since I was fourteen.  It is pretty much like early menopause.  When I’m not taking my medicine my sex drive plummets to near zero levels.  This not only frustrates me because I’m used to having a normally high sex drive, but it also puts a strain on any relationship that I may happen to be in and my partner, which is completely understandable.  Thankfully I haven’t had to go without my medicine for a few years now.

My ex-husband handled it like a real man.  I can never thank him enough for being so understanding.  I’m not saying it was easy, but no matter how sexually frustrated he may have gotten, he was never mean about it and I don’t believe that he ever actually cheated on me.

  • Not everyone, (male or female), is going to be in the mood every single time their partner is, so what’s your general experience? And part two … What about from the female perspective?

If I’m not in the mood because I’m just tired or reasons other than sickness, I try to do my best to help my man out.  That may be in the form of oral or a hand job, or just being affectionate and watching while he masturbates if that is what he enjoys.

If he’s not in the mood, but I am, then I try to be understanding and am usually fine with waiting until he is in the mood.  I understand that men sometimes get stressed out and not in the mood just like women do.  It’s perfectly normal.  Personally I’d rather wait until he is in the mood so that we can enjoy sex together.  It’s always more fun if both people are all hot and bothered and ready to go at it like animals anyway.

  • So my question is, from a guy’s perspective, every “no” may seem like an eternity. What is an eternity from the female viewpoint please?

For me an eternity would be a month or longer.  I suppose this is because men’s “I’m not in the mood” blocks of time don’t seem to be as long as women’s.  Since my sex drive is usually very high, anything over a month makes me start seeing double, drooling and wanting to hump every good-looking guy I see.

  • And if either party is on an extended stretch of low libido, when does “guilting” the partner into a tumble change to “obligation”.

I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel guilted, pushed, or obligated to have sex with another person.  Men complain all the time about women just lying there and not being into the act of sex.  So if they are complaining so much why would they want to push a woman into having sex if she doesn’t want to?  If she’s not in the mood then she’s most likely going to do just that, lie there.  It makes no sense to me.  Is it so important for a guy to get his rocks off that he can completely ignore the fact that the woman is lying there in physical or emotional pain?

On the other side of this, women should never do what I did with Bobblehead Nerd and give in to a man’s whining, nagging or aggressiveness and have sex when they don’t want to.  It will only end up in resentment, anger and feeling violated, like it did with me.

  • And more importantly, since obligation is no way to run a relationship, what would you suggest for re-igniting a proper spark in a “long” dry spell by whatever standard you set?

When my second ex-husband and I had our long dry-spells it was usually some small romantic gesture that got my juices flowing again, even without my hormone medicine.  One time he threw a birthday party for me at our house and invited a bunch of our friends and family over.  He let me have my Hello Kitty theme like I wanted.  He even got me a Hello Kitty birthday cake and a local band to play, without my asking!  That wasn’t what really melted my heart and nether regions though.  It was time to cut the cake and open my presents and he gathered everyone up and gave a little speech.  He thanked everyone for coming and then surprisingly said in front of everyone how much he loved me and appreciated me.  Coming from a huge ox of a man’s man this was quite possibly the sweetest most sincere thing he had ever done for me.  I remember thinking at that moment how blessed I was to have found such a wonderful man.  Later that night after everyone had left, I tore him up.  The previous four months without sex seemed like a distant memory.