Tag Archive | Love

She died of a wonky heart

mended_heart-10668Today is May 23, 2016.  Three weeks ago I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a bad ulcer.  I had a sharp pain in the middle of my chest that went all the way through to my back.  After an ultrasound and an EKG I was moved up to the ICU.  When I finally saw the doctor he told me that I had a minor heart attack and I have a left bundle branch block.  The technical definition is a condition in which there’s a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. Basically that means that my heart is wonky and doesn’t beat right.  So, I survived my first heart attack. Now what?  Well, I have to go see a cardiologist next week to find out if I will have to have a pacemaker installed.  “Installed” probably isn’t the correct word to use.  It makes me sound like a cyborg.

Anyway, all this has, not surprisingly, opened my eyes to my mortality.  I’m only 41, but I guess all my years of drinking, smoking, stressing, eating good southern fried foods, and generally living like there’s no tomorrow, has finally caught up with me.  To put things into perspective, I actually went online last week and created my last will and testament.  Not that I have that much to leave anyone when I die, but what I do have I want to go to the right people.  Even after being in the hospital for a couple of days and having all kinds of tests run, I still wasn’t too worried about all this.  I even went right back to work. Gotta make that money y’all.

However, a week ago I had just went to bed and as I was just about to drift off to sleep I had this horrible feeling of falling into complete and utter darkness.  It was terrifying and not like anything I had ever felt before.  It took a few seconds but I knew I had to wake up and when I did it was with a gasp that scared me even more.  Maybe my heart stopped beating for a few seconds or maybe it was just a bad dream, but either way it scared the hell out of me.  It was so vivid and real that I wasn’t sure what to think of it.

Of course I have to think that if that is what dying feels like then it’s terrifying and I don’t really want it to happen. Or at least if it happens I hope I’m already asleep and don’t realize it’s happening.  I know I don’t really have much choice in the matter so I’m doing my best to not think about it.

I know I haven’t posted to this blog since January and that’s probably because when I’m happy I don’t have as much to bitch about. 😉  And I have been very happy here in Tennessee with Buck.  I found a great job that I’ve had for almost a year now, and even though it’s probably one of the most stressful jobs I’ve ever had, I still enjoy it.  Buck makes me laugh daily and I know he loves me very much.  We’re even planning on getting married in about a month. That’s something I never thought I’d do again, but I think he’s worth it.

So that’s all for now.  I hope I’ll be able to write again soon and to keep writing.  Writing on this blog has been my therapy and a joy for me for the past five years.  I appreciate all the wonderful and supportive and funny comments my readers have left me.  I hope I have many more years of writing left in me because my story is far from finished.

Love always,

Ginger

Smile for life

SmileLife is too short not to smile.  That’s what I’ve learned in my forty years.  Even when you don’t necessarily feel like smiling, do it anyway.  Even though tears may be welling up, about to fall, just smile and think about all the good things in your life.  I promise you, that things are probably never as bad as you think, and you CAN make it though this…whatever your “this” may be.

People who meet me usually think that I’m always cheerful and happy.  Of course I’m not though.  Not always.  But what they don’t know is that even when I’m smiling, I could be depressed, or lonely, or stressed beyond belief.  It never lasts though.  Smiling is my coping mechanism.  It helps me remember that things aren’t really as bad as my mind wants me to think they are.

When the snow is falling, and I just can’t sleep because of crazy hormonal imbalances, and I just don’t feel like smiling, I find some reason to smile anyway.  Usually, the catalyst is music, as you may have guessed.  When I have insomnia and am exhausted and have no desire to write anything, I go to YouTube and start wandering around, going down the rabbit hole.  Sometimes I get sucked into the usual stupid videos, but now and then I find something inspiring.

Tonight I saw a post on Facebook that was a link to an artist named Alex Boyé doing a cover of Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk.”   Now you all know I love me some Bruno, so I had to watch.  Alex Boyé’s versions of popular songs sucked me in, made me smile, and gave me the inspiration and motivation that I needed.  Reading about his past and path to where he is now also inspired me.  Actually what really got me, and yes, made me tear up a bit, was the video of him becoming an American citizen.  I guess I’m just a mushy sentimental romantic nerd.

Speaking of being a mushy sentimental romantic nerd…things are going great with Buck.  I guess that’s what originally got me thinking about smiling.  Not only does he make me smile constantly, I just love seeing him smile.  I especially like making him smile.  Have I mentioned his dimples?  Well, they’re awesome. 🙂

Even if I weren’t with Buck, I know I’d still have a reason to smile everyday because I have family and friends who love me.  I’m grateful that I am with him though, because it gives me that extra reason to smile.  Even when I don’t really feel good, or am stressed out, or just am in a blah mood.  He’s there to remind me that it’s never too late to find the person (again) who can light up your life and your mind and your heart.

I’m truly blessed, and have been all my life.  I’ve known, and dated, some really amazing people.  Broken hearts and bruised egos aside, I still care about many of them, and wish them nothing but the best.  It’s been a long crazy journey, with a ten-year intermission, but I’m finally where I belong and with the right person.

So there it is.  Hot damn.

Peace, love, & happiness.

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2015: The Year of Bliss Attacks

light-in-the-confessionalIt’s been two months since my last confession post.  Buck and I have since moved to another state and have begun our little life together.  Originally the plan was that he would just move to be with me, and he did.  Once he got there though, I brought up the idea that maybe we should move back to his home state.  It made sense for several reasons, but the main one was that he wouldn’t have to pay out-of-state tuition. He also would be close to his family and friends.  Of course I knew I’d miss the friends that I had made in Podunk, Mississippi, but it also meant I would no longer have to see Teacher on a regular basis.

Teacher and I have become friends since he broke up with me in March of last year, but it was still a little awkward at times, especially once Buck arrived and was hanging out with me all the time.  Getting over the breakup with Teacher wasn’t easy, but I was proud that I had eventually recovered and moved on.  It’s not always easy to move on though when you have to see your ex-boyfriend every other day.  So moving to another state seemed like a blessing in disguise.

So there was a lot of driving back and forth for Buck.  He had to go home for Christmas without me while I stayed in Mississippi and worked through the end of the year.  My last day at work was the last day of 2014.  It seemed a fitting end to a crazy year.

tiny carBuck came back after Christmas and on January 3rd we moved.  It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been great. I had to leave 80% of my belongings in a storage unit in Mississippi because it wouldn’t all fit in his tiny car.  His car still looked like a tiny clown car once we had stuffed it to the gills with my clothes and necessities.  By necessities I mean some shoes, clothes, computer, silverware, one (just one) plate, my Monkey, and one Willie picture (my 1980s autographed album promo poster of Willie Nelson).  There were some other random things thrown in, but no furniture other than one large metal shelving unit and one small metal shelving unit.  They only made it in because they could be taken apart and thus didn’t take up much room in the car.

When Buck went home for Christmas he rented us an apartment that I had found online.  That was at least one less thing we had to take care of once we got to my new home state.  I’ve met his family, most of them anyway, and everyone seems to like me, which is a relief.  Now I’m just doing daily job searches and applying for every office-type job I can find.  He starts back to school in another week, so he’s been busy getting all that in order.

Now for the part that I haven’t really mentioned yet.  Buck and I have something in common.  We both like the D.  By D I mean dick.  Yes, he likes having sex with both men and women.  This is the point where I don’t really know how to explain things very well.  I feel like it’s important to share this information though because it’ll make things easier to understand in my future posts.

So, yes, he’s bisexual, but so am I.  I just consider myself to be more attracted to men than women.  So it’s not an issue, especially since we have an understanding.  The understanding is that we can have sex with other people as long as both of us either know about it, or both of us are present and/or involved in the act.  Hopefully that will clear things up a little.  If it doesn’t feel free to comment & ask any questions you might have.  Because at this point I’m unsure about how much detail I should give here.

He knows about and has read the blog.  I’m sure I’ve said before that I would never let another boyfriend know about the blog, but how often do I really follow my advice?  I think that’s why I’m so shy about writing certain things though.  It’s as if I’m afraid of betraying his trust or confidence.  I know that’s not true though because I asked him how he felt about it and he’s not worried about what I write.

That should be enough for now.  Hopefully at least everyone knows that I’m still alive and didn’t get murdered or abducted by the mysterious Prince Buck Charming.  So, yay! 🙂

Oh, and do I have some stories to tell. 😉  And you thought things here would get boring once I settled down and fell in love again.  Bazinga!

Peace, love, & happiness.

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Once upon a time…a dream came true.

fairy-tales-002Once upon a time the Preacher’s Daughter lived in the big city of New York.  One day she met a wonderful man.  They talked on the phone and online for hours.  See, the only problem was that he lived in a far off land called Tennessee.  One day she decided to go visit him.  They spent a glorious week together filled with fun, laughter, sex, and just general awesomeness.

After she left and went back to the big city they continued to talk.  One day, he asked her if she would marry him.  Being the silly young girl that she was, she said no.  Stupid silly girl.

They eventually lost touch.  He wouldn’t respond to her emails or calls.  Her heart was broken, but she had no choice but to move on.

Over the years she would think about him and try to find him, with the help of Google, but even Google could not find him.  She feared she had lost him forever.  The Preacher’s Daughter finally moved back down South to be closer to her family, but even though she was closer to Tennessee, she still could not find him.

Then one day, ten years later, she knew that he had a son and she actually remembered the son’s name.  By this time he should be old enough to be on Facebook or something, so she Googled the son’s name.  Holy crap!  There he was!  She knew it was him because he looked so much like his dad.  After a little more searching, she found her Prince Charming!  There he was right on Facebook!

She remained cautious.  Not wanting to scare him away.  So she sent him a friend request.  As soon as he accepted the friend request, he messaged her!  She was in shock.  After ten years of searching, there he was, talking to her, and he was even happy to hear from her.

They started talking and kept talking and talking, and 3,000 messages later, he was driving from Tennessee to see her.  Not just to see her, but to be with her, permanently.

So as he drove down she became more and more excited and a little nervous because after all, it had been ten years.  Preacher’s Daughter finally found her Prince Charming (again) and she wasn’t going to screw it up this time.  🙂

So, the story isn’t over yet; it’s only just begun.  After his arrival I’m sure there will be lots more to tell.  Until then…

Peace, love, & happiness.

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Silly men, Craigslist is for real whores

I’m sick of not being able to write whatever I want just because I’m afraid to offend or piss people off.  I’m mostly referring to Teacher.  My last post about what has been going on with him was on April 20th.  Quite a bit has happened since then and it’s past time that I get some of this crap out of my head.  I have an unhealthy tendency to bottle my feelings up inside until I can’t hold it in any longer, then I explode.  So before I do that I’m just going to go ahead and let it all out in a healthier way.

The day after that post on April 20th I started getting weird emails on my phone.  I have an email that I had set up last year for a project that I was working on with Teacher.  So we both had the email address set up on our iPhones.  I quickly realized that the emails were being sent to that address because Teacher had mistakenly replied to Craigslist ads using that email address.

In case you're wondering, I have no problem posting this pic that one of the whore's sent because even if she's not a whore, she shouldn't be sending naked pics of herself to people because they might end up on my blog or worse.  At least I cropped out her face.

In case you’re wondering, I have no problem posting this pic that one of the whores sent because even if she’s not a whore, she shouldn’t be sending naked pics of herself to people because they might end up on my blog or worse. At least I cropped out her face.

The ads that he replied to were personal ads for whores.  The real kind, not just the slutty kind.  At first I just sat in shock reading the emails.  Then I sent my sister a text telling her what was going on and asking if I should just change the password on the email account.  She wasn’t much help.  She just shared my shock and disbelief.

As I was going through the emails that kept coming through, they suddenly disappeared from the inbox.  He had realized his mistake, well, one of them at least, and deleted them.  It was too late though because they had already downloaded into my Microsoft Outlook.

I finally sent him a text that said, “Really? You’re willing to pay for sex with a whore, but you wouldn’t fuck me for free?”  He replied back apologizing, saying that he was just curious, he never cheated on me, and he guessed he was as much of a piece of shit that I wrote about on my blog.  Then he ended it saying, “Yeah this is embarrassing and awkward.  But I guess I deserve it.”  I couldn’t even reply after that.  I never called him a piece of shit by the way.  I don’t think I even ever thought about calling him that.  A selfish immature prick maybe, but not a piece of shit.

The next day, after stewing over what had happened, I sent him a text.  I suggested that he not read my blog any more.  That was it.  I was done.

The next day he asked if we could meet for lunch and talk about all this.  I agreed to meet him.  Unfortunately I don’t think it helped much.  Right off he wanted to say that he wasn’t going to actually meet any of those women, he was only curious.  I didn’t have much to say.  It was all I could do just to sit there and drink my tea and not break down crying.  I didn’t even want to look at him.  Because no matter what he thinks, I do still love him and I would have done anything to make it all go away and just go back to us being happy in our little cottage.  I’m not delusional though.  I know that can’t happen, mainly because he doesn’t know what the hell he wants, but it sure as hell doesn’t seem to be me.

So after that awkward lunch date, I thought maybe we could at least just stay friends, even if I wasn’t able to be around him yet without feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest all over again.

MjAxMy02ZjFkNTU0NmNjYTg5ZWRThings seemed to be going OK for a few days.  He even let me use his van to pick up some groceries and stuff I left at the house.  Then on Saturday, a friend and I went to the local bar/restaurant to hang out, drink some beers, and listen to the music.  The problem was that Teacher and Jacket were providing the music.  I actually knew that before we went.  My friend also knew that Teacher would be there.  It was sort of part of the plan.

A friend had told me Friday night that it would probably be good for Teacher to see me out with another guy.  I guess she meant that it would prove to him that I am capable of moving on and going out and having fun.  My guy friend was really cool about the whole thing.  He knew what was going on, and he agreed that it would be for the best.  It turned out to just be stressful and awkward though.

Teacher did come say hello during his first break, and yes, it was awkward.  Then later he came back again after some other people had sat down with us.  Then after the show I was sitting with CoolGal and catching up because I hadn’t seen her in a while, and she started telling a funny story about the night her sister was obsessed with my hair and kept touching it.  Teacher had come up behind me and started demonstrating.  Once would have sufficed, but he kept doing it.  To the point that it became uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to say anything in front of everyone, plus I was so tensed up that I probably couldn’t have said anything at the time.  He finally stopped and then left not long after.  I did however send him a text later that night telling him to never touch me again.

So that’s what’s been going on in my world.  It just keeps getting crazier and more stressful.  Let’s all take a moment to pray that things start getting better.

Happy humping! (But don’t take naughty pics unless you want the world to see!)

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