Tag Archive | God

I didn’t see it coming

I told you a while back that my sister met a man the day of the trail ride & crawfish boil.  He’s a cowboy of course, and a good bit older than her.  He was also very funny and flirty.  Just her type.  So a few days later she asked if I would babysit Little Bubba for a while so that she could hang out with him.  It turned out that all they did was go across the road to Dolly’s Cabin and “hang out.”  Of course we all know what that means.

The next night after her “date” we were sitting at the dining room table eating dinner and I asked how her “date” went.  With a big goofy grin on her face she told me that it was “something.”  Something?  I wasn’t sure what that meant so I inquired further.  She told me that he was very large.  She wasn’t talking about his weight.  He’s an average sized guy.  Not bad-looking either.  No, she was talking about something else.  She said he was porn star big.  Therefore, furthermore, he will be called Porn Dick.

She explained that it was the biggest one she’d never seen.  Yes, that’s right.  She said never seen.  Evidently the lights were off when things started getting hot and heavy and then she said what would become a running joke for us.  “It was huge!  I just didn’t see it coming!”

At that point I started laughing and the conversation continued to go further into the gutter full of dick jokes and cum-filled innuendos.  I almost wet my panties I was laughing so hard.

God Hates No One

A few weeks later we were sitting on the front porch one evening talking about a sign that a local church had posted in their front window.  It said “We welcome everyone including HOMOSEXUALS. Come Sunday for explanation.”  Someone had taken a picture of it and posted it on Facebook.  The local gay/lesbian community was not happy with it, and I can’t say that I blame them.  The church in question isn’t known for its tolerance towards people with views that differ from their own.  The tag line on their website says, “Come as you are, but don’t expect to stay that way.”  Unfortunately that should be a positive message, but it’s actually more of a testimony to how judgmental and controlling they are.  It should say, “Come as you are, but if you want to keep coming you’ll have to conform to our views of what a Christian should be (not God’s).”

So while sis and I were sitting on the porch and talking I mentioned that we should start our own church for freaks and rejects.  She was amused and halfheartedly agreed.  I was serious though.  I’m sick of so-called Christians thinking that people have to conform to their beliefs to be saved.  What about God?  Shouldn’t He be the one who we are worried about pleasing and conforming to what He wants us to be?  God loves everyone.  How do these churches expect to get people to come worship with them when all they do is judge and demean anyone who doesn’t meet with their approval?

The worst part was when my sister sent a text to an acquaintance of hers.  He is a member of that very same church, and even teaches several classes there.  The text she sent him asked about the sign.  He said that he did know about the sign, but wasn’t sure what the pastor was going to “explain” on Sunday.  Then came the kicker.  He said, “Personally though, I hate fucking fags.”  Wow.  There’s a shining example of a small town dumb-ass fake Christian right there folks.

Oops.  I started getting a little preachy there didn’t I?  Well, that’s alright.  You know why?  Because while I was waiting on my chicken fingers to be deep-fried at the local gas station/fried food emporium last week, I became an ordained minister online.  It took about five minutes and it’s legal in most states.  So now not only can I do wedding ceremonies, funerals and the like, I can also start my own church if I so choose.  Who knows.  Maybe I will do just that.  The Preacher always did say that he thought I was called into the ministry.  Maybe my ministry will be helping the freaks and rejects, like myself and my sister, have a place to worship freely without fear of judgement from anyone other than God.

Happy humping!

P.S.  My sister drives me crazy in many ways, but I would never trade her for anything.

Change for the better

People always tell me, “Don’t change yourself for anyone.”  Why not?  Change is supposed to be good right?  More importantly, I know I need to makes some changes for the better.  So why not change myself for someone?  As long as I’m doing it for the right reasons it should be considered a good thing.  Right?

I understand what they mean when they say not to change for anyone.  I’m not that dense.  I just wanted to make that clear.  What if I were a drug addict and in order for someone to want to be with me I had to stop using drugs?  Then that would obviously be a good thing to change for someone.  Don’t worry.  I’m not a drug addict.  Sometimes an extreme example is what it takes to get a point across.

Everyone probably thinks it’s pretty clear that I am a borderline sex addict.  I’ve even questioned that lately though.  Maybe it’s not the sex that I’m addicted to or even really want.  Maybe it’s the attention, or the desire to be loved, or just the desire to be with someone who cares about me.

Things happen to us in our lives that shape who we are and nudge us in certain directions.  The things that have happened to me, the things I have learned, have turned me into what I affectionately call the “beautiful monster.”  I’m a nice, caring, loving, giving person, but inside I am full of dark secrets that most people in my life never know about.  I refuse to let those secrets tear me apart anymore.  I’m not about to announce to the world who I really am, or tell the people in my life everything about me.  I’m just not going to let my past rule my future.  It’s time to move on and make a better me.

When I found out about the Preacher’s indiscretions, it tore me apart.  I couldn’t believe that someone who I thought was infallible could actually be just as depraved as I am.  Maybe it just really hurt to learn that the saying “like father, like daughter”, really does have a lot of truth to it.  My point is that finding this out about him hardened my heart a little and caused me to give up some hope of ever finding a good man.  After all, if the Preacher couldn’t be trusted, then who could be?

These early morning posts are becoming more and more bizarre and way too insightful for my tastes, but maybe that’s a good thing.

I do have a couple of questions for you.  If you had the opportunity to share your true self with the world, including the people who know you, would you?  Why do we feel the need to keep secrets from the ones we care about?

Who am I?

I’ve been a cheater, a liar, a thief, and a slut.  I always got caught though.  Once caught I was forced to take a long hard look at myself and decide whether I wanted to continue being those things.  Consciously I always chose to take the path towards becoming a better person.  That doesn’t mean that it was easy to change my ways, or that I never did those things again.  I still slip up occasionally.

I really do want to be a good person and believe that I am a good person.  I’m just a good person who does bad things sometimes.  Growing up in the church I was taught that there is only right and wrong.  If you did wrong, unless you asked for forgiveness you were sinning and headed for eternal damnation.  It was enough to scare the pants off of a little kid.  Fear is what motivated me into being a good girl growing up, not a desire to be a good Christian.  I was afraid of God and the Preacher.  The fear of disappointing the Preacher also kept me from doing a lot of varied and nefarious things that I would have liked to have done.  Why do you think it took me 19 years to go on my first date and 22 years to lose my virginity?  I was scared shitless of being thought of as a bad person and of going to hell.

There came a point though when I screwed up so bad and got caught that I just gave up the fight.  I decided that even though what I had done was wrong, I had not done anything nearly as bad as what all they were accusing me of, so why not just do it.  That was fifteen years ago and I’m still somewhat stuck in that mindset.  I don’t know if it’s just my way of proving to myself that I am free to do what I want, or if it’s just a bad habit that I can’t get rid of.

For the last two years this blog has been my saving grace.  It has allowed me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings and to confess my bad behaviors.  I’ve been especially surprised by how writing has helped me think through things and figure out what I really believe and what I really want.  It’s forced me to look inside myself and when I go back and read over what I’ve written I am able to see my faults with shining clarity.

I don’t want to stop looking at myself and trying to make myself a better person.  If I were to stop doing that then what is the point of living this crazy life?

Manwhore told me last night that I would give away everything I had, every last dollar, to help someone.  That I am one of the best people he knows.  I wish I could see myself like that, but it’s so difficult knowing the things that I’ve done.  Even though I’ve literally begged God for forgiveness at times, I’m just not sure that’s enough.  I feel like no matter what I say or do, it’s never enough.

Every day is a battle for me, trying to reconcile what I was taught growing up in church and how I would really like to live my life.  I have so many issues with the church that it isn’t even funny anymore.  I may try to see the humor in it all, but sometimes that’s impossible.

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with all of this, but it feels good to get it all out.  So until next time…

God bless.

My Greatest Fear

Are there two of me.  The the wanna be bad girl and the wanna be good girl?  Guess what?  I’m neither, or am I both?  People think life has to be so black and white all the damn time, but it’s usually just shades of grey.

My greatest fear is not what you might expect.  It’s not of snakes or spiders or of heights.  It’s not of small spaces and not of crowds.  It is of something far deeper seeded than any of those things.  It is of something that has happened to me ever since I was a child.  My greatest fear is of being judged.

I know we will all be judged in the end, but until then I wish to live free of judgement.  The times when I am able to completely open myself up to someone and not be judged are the most wonderful, almost magical times, that I ever experience.  The rest of the time though, I have this overwhelming fear that will not allow me to be the full me.  As hard as I try, I cannot shake it.

My coat of many colors has long since faded.  My parents may have made it, but over the years, I’ve added colors.  I have continued to add colors, but they become muted and faded as the years go by.  I now wear my coat of many colors proudly.  I choose not to fear your judgement, only to accept your words with openness and a desire to better myself.  That is my new promise to the world.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Here…listen to this awesome music that better expresses how I feel right now.

And now for a little Dolly…

And for the grand finale…

Happy humping!

An abnormal prayer request

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Yes, I’m sexually frustrated and that was me venting.  I’ve got a friend coming to visit me tonight, who wants to fuck, and Manwhore is coming tomorrow night and he wants to fuck me, and another who I want to fuck, but he is too timid or something to actually do it.  The only one I want is to fuck Art, but that just doesn’t seem to be happening.  (Insert huge frowny face here.)  WTF am I supposed to do?  I don’t want to cheat on Art, but I do want to get laid sometime this year.

I know it’s strange to pray about things like this, but I don’t know what else to do.  I know I’m sinning, but that’s not the point.  The point is that I need to get laid by the man I want, so why is that not happening?

That’s all.  I just needed to do a quick venting post.  I’m done now.

Happy humping!