Tag Archive | Depression

Loving you is killing me: He said, She said

The week before last I was out-of-town for four days.  When I got back home on Friday all I wanted to do was to see Teacher, maybe get laid, and hopefully relieve some stress.  We went to our friends’ house and hung out that night.  I did manage to get drunk and a little high, but that’s about all I was able to do.  When I tried the getting laid part, things started falling apart.  He said it felt “cheap” because I was drunk and high.  He also said he was too tired to perform.  So basically he was telling me that I was a cheap drunk whore.  If you really want to make someone feel like a piece of shit, just tell them that.  It sure worked on me.

As I lay in bed with tears rolling down my face onto my pillow, listening to his snoring, I realized just how lonely and sad I had become.  My so-called wonderful relationship with Teacher, the man I had loved for a year, had become nothing more than source of stress and disappointment for us both.

On Saturday he had a gig and was gone most of the afternoon and all night.  Then on Sunday, when I thought we’d finally have some time together, he left again for four hours.  He came back later that night and told me we needed to talk.  Then he proceeded to break up with me.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

He said:

I’m a cold-hearted, unaffectionate, depressed, moody bitch.  He has been nothing but good to me and has only tried to make me happy.

She said:

He’s right.  Partially.  I can be cold, unaffectionate, depressed, and moody.  Usually only when I have reason to be though.  I didn’t realize I was being so unaffectionate though.  Geez.  I knew I was horny.  My shower head knew.  Evidently trying to have sex with him when I was drunk wasn’t the right choice.  So what’s a girl supposed to do?

He said:

When he would plop down on the couch next to me with his head next to me, that was him being sexy.  He was hurt by my rejection of his advance(s).  He specifically mentioned one time one afternoon when he pushed me onto the bed and I said, “I’m hungry.”  Well, I was hungry.  I can’t have sex when my stomach is growling.

She said:

I was lonely.  Very, very lonely.  He’s a musician so he works late a lot of the time.  I, however, work a regular 9 to 5 job.  Evidently those two don’t mix well.  But it was more than that.  Even when I was at a gig with him, hanging out, drinking, and doing the usual, I still felt like I was lost at sea.  Alone and unappreciated.  And one more thing…we hadn’t had sex in over a month because he “broke or cracked a rib” by getting drunk at a gig and falling onto a mic stand.  So it was supposedly better for him to sleep sitting up on the couch for a month.  Of course I had my doubts about that, because I’m not stupid, but I chose to believe him anyway.

He said:

Ever since the first of the year when all that stuff happened with the fertility doctor and my grandfather passing away, I’ve been depressed.  My depression was dragging him down and he just doesn’t have the energy to deal with it/me anymore.  He didn’t understand how my grandfather dying could have affected our relationship.

She said:

I honestly didn’t know what to say to that.  I never would have guessed he was actually a selfish prick who couldn’t support me through a difficult time like that.  And my grandfather’s dying didn’t affect our relationship directly.  It did directly affect me though.  I’m so sorry if such a stressful grieving time in my life caused you any stress or grief.  It’s not like he was my boyfriend who was supposed to love me and be supportive or anything.

He said:

There’s no chance of reconciliation.  We’ve grown apart.  It just isn’t working anymore.  He hates that it had to end up like this.  Blah, blah, blah.  One of us has to move out.  He still wants to part as friends.

She said:

I’ll be the one to move out. In fact, the sooner I get out of here, the better.

He said:

She said:

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I’m being considering what’s happened.  I find that hard to believe because inside I’m falling to pieces.  Having to hold it together at work and around people is not easy.  It eventually catches up with me when I’m alone though, and when I end up sitting here at home, alone, the tears start welling up in my eyes again.

I have to keep telling myself that it’s for the best, and that I’ll survive, because that’s what I do.  I have my heart broken, pick up the pieces, and move on.  It gets harder every time though.  Not sure how much more I can take.

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Forgiveness: What it means to me.

I’ve always been pretty good at being able to forgive people when they have hurt me, well, eventually.  My Christian upbringing probably has something to do with that.  My mother, one of the sweetest most loving and sincere women that I know, has always had a wonderful ability to forgive and not hold grudges, even at times when most would think it impossible to forgive or even reasonable not to forgive.  She’s been the shining example in my life of how to live a grudge-free and hate-free life.  She taught me that hating someone and not forgiving people when they do things that hurt you is not the way to gain peace and harmony in life.  Because in the end, I’m the one that will be judged by God and I really don’t want to go to that last meeting with hatred and bitterness in my heart.  In the past few years I seemed to have forgotten some of those values that she taught me and have held things inside that have eaten me up so bad that it has made me depressed and physically ill.  I don’t want to live like that anymore.  I want to be free from all that negativity and be able to let my little light shine.

Merriam-Webster defines forgiveness as “the act of forgiving” and forgiving is defined as “allowing room for error or weakness.”  My tagline on my blog is “Nobody’s perfect.  Why should I be any different.”  Without even realizing it I think I was making a proclamation that I wanted to start forgiving myself of things that I’ve done and forgiving those that have hurt me.  It’s funny how it can take a long time to realize the true meaning behind thoughts that I have and things that I’ve written.

Recently I had a moment of clarity that made my heart jump for joy.  I realized that I had forgiven someone who had hurt me very badly, and through that forgiveness, beyond the pain and hurt, I had grown stronger and smarter.  Forgiving the person was what really made me feel lighter and better.  I’ve read that “Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.”  That’s so true and very important.  Once I had forgiven the person, and after they reached out to me, I saw that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was.  Even though I had been lied to and deceived, I shouldn’t have been so quick to judge.  I make mistakes like everyone else.  You never know what people are really going through.  I know that when people ask me how I am I usually say “fine” only because if I told them how I’m really doing it would just be too hard to explain why.

As I mentioned above, holding feelings of hatred and bitterness in your heart can cause stress related problems such as anxiety, insomnia, loss of appetite, depression, headaches, and ulcers.  It’s strange how our bodies physically react to stress and emotional pain.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve had some of these physical problems and I know they are definitely stress related.  In the past I’ve even contemplated suicide.  It’s still sort of a taboo subject, but it needs to be discussed.  Having such thoughts is not as uncommon as we like to think.  Even the best of us get depressed sometimes.  I once had a conversation with my grandmother about having thoughts of suicide and being the wonderful Christian woman that she was she did not judge me.  She actually opened up and told me that she too had those thoughts in the past.  The important thing to remember is that there is always someone who loves you and who would miss you, and that suicide is a very selfish act.  That’s what always stopped me.  I would start thinking about my family and how much it would hurt them if I did something like that.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.  It can heal you and make you a better, more understanding, and loving person.  Forgiveness is for you, not for those that have hurt you.  Another benefit of forgiving someone is that once you do forgive them, you won’t even have to say anything, it will show in your attitude and actions.  They will see that change in you and often their own attitudes and actions will change.  So let your little light shine and be a good example for others to follow.  🙂