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Music, Love, and Bacon

So I know it’s been a very long time since my last post. I’ve had a rough year and a half. To start with, I left Tennessee and moved back to my home state of Alabama. It was a rushed and sudden move and even though it’s nice being back home close to my family, it’s also been an adjustment. I’m not used to having to deal with them on a daily basis. I do miss the freedom that I had before moving back here. Even though it has been strange at times, overall, I am enjoying it.

I’ve achieved some major goals that I had been working towards for a very long time. I finally got my license straightened out and got a car. At first I was living with a lady from my dad’s church, but she turned out to be a cunt nut. I’ll tell you that story later. So now I’m living in a building that started out as a bar in the 1960’s, and then it was a church. Then it was just used for storage. So it’s a work in progress, but it’s kind of cool. It’s about as close to a NYC loft as I’m going to find here in the woods.

For almost a year and a half I didn’t date anyone. When I first moved here I looked on Plenty of Fish (I know, bad idea). I was very disappointed in what I found. So I just stopped looking. I concentrated on getting my shit together instead.

Once I got my car though, I kind of went crazy. After all, it has been a very long time since I had my own vehicle and was able to go wherever whenever I wanted. So I did. A lot. One of my first trips was back to Mississippi to visit Teacher. Remember him? Yeah, that’s the one.

It seems that we both realized that mistakes were made by each of us. Even though we had kept in loose touch with one another, we never really discussed anything more. Except for the one time when Buck and I went back to Mississippi to get the rest of my stuff out of storage, I hadn’t seen Teacher.

That first trip back to Mississippi was the beginning of May. I just went again for a long weekend and got back home today. I went this weekend because there was a local awards show that his band was playing. For me it was like the prom I never had. We had a limo and everything. I couldn’t have asked for a cooler “prom” date.

I did a little drinking that night, and in the limo on the way back to the hotel I told Teacher I needed bacon. I hadn’t eaten all day, but I didn’t really feel like going into Waffle House right then. I just wanted a bed. So the limo dropped us off and we ended the night bacon-less.

The next morning I woke up and he was gone. I figured he was outside smoking, so I took a shower and then went back to bed. I was still recovering. Then at 9:00 am he came in with a to-go plate full of just bacon. Bacon. That’s just as nice and thoughtful as flowers. That’s just the kind of cool guy he is. Guys, if you want to show a girl you love her, bring her bacon. Unless she’s vegan, then, I don’t know, get a new girlfriend maybe?

I have never stopped loving Teacher. I just need to say that. Even though he dumped me and broke my heart, I always loved him. Even though I married Buck; even though that crashed and burned; even though I knew that with me being a state away, it was definitely over for good. The love never went away.

That first weekend back in May when I went to visit, I realized something. I had been trying to replace Teacher, without any luck. As soon as we hugged that first time, after so long apart, I immediately felt that comfort, love, and a sense of relief. I was finally back where I was meant to be, with the man I was meant to be with. Our lives may have taken a detour or five, and the road was very bumpy, but it ended in the right place.

I’m not saying that I’m going to up and move back to Mississippi right now, but just knowing that we have each other is enough. I don’t know what it will evolve into. I just have a feeling that it will end up where it needs to be. I’ve rushed into enough relationships to know that I probably need to take things slow and not make any rash life decisions. Those tend to not turn out so well for me.

I’m turning 45 in a couple of days. I’ve been writing on this blog for 9 years now. I’ve learned a lot about myself in those 9 years, thanks to this blog. It’s made me stop and think about why I do what I do, and about my own faults and issues. That’s why I started this blog to begin with. I needed an outlet. A way to self-analyze and vent. If in the process it turned out to be the least bit entertaining, then hell yeah. Bonus points.

Also, please forgive me for being a little (a lot) rusty with the writing.

Until next time…

Peace, love, & happiness.

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Babe, I’m gonna leave you

I promised a follow-up to my last post.  Better late than never, right?

For the past two months I have seen Doc Oc occasionally, usually once a week.  About one month ago he came over one evening and as we were sitting on the couch he said he needed to tell me something. I immediately got nervous, thinking that maybe he had a girlfriend or wife.  No such luck.  He told me that he was moving back to his hometown, which is over four hours away.

My heart sank.  I thought I had finally found a guy in this crappy state that I not only could tolerate, but actually liked.  And now he’s leaving me.

Of course this is the guy who I thought could possibly be a serial killer.  He isn’t, of course.  However, he’s a very quiet person, much like myself, but even more so.  I told my sister that now I know what it’s like to date me, and it’s awful.  And I don’t mean that negatively against him.  I just know that quiet people are difficult nuts to crack.  We hold in so much.  All of our emotions and feelings, hopes and dreams, thoughts and beliefs.  Introverts can be extremely complex people.  Personally, think I do better in relationships with extroverts, even though those are the one’s that usually don’t work out.

Anyway…Oh!  I haven’t even described Doc Oc to you yet.  He’s sexy, in a nerdy hipster subdued kind of way.  Think Robert Downey, Jr. meets young James Spader.  His ass though.  Thank you Jesus for this boy’s ass.  It’s so grab-able.  He’s also intelligent and funny.  It’s just that he doesn’t open up and talk much, which I do wish he had done.

Oh, well.  The good ones always go away.  Or I go away.  Someone always goes away.

My prayer for the day:

“Jesus, just send me Bruno Mars…or Sting…I’d accept Sting also.”

Because I could fuck the hell out of some Bruno, or Sting, right now.

Until next time…”It’s only half past the point of no return.”

Peace, love, & happiness.

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She died of a wonky heart

mended_heart-10668Today is May 23, 2016.  Three weeks ago I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a bad ulcer.  I had a sharp pain in the middle of my chest that went all the way through to my back.  After an ultrasound and an EKG I was moved up to the ICU.  When I finally saw the doctor he told me that I had a minor heart attack and I have a left bundle branch block.  The technical definition is a condition in which there’s a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. Basically that means that my heart is wonky and doesn’t beat right.  So, I survived my first heart attack. Now what?  Well, I have to go see a cardiologist next week to find out if I will have to have a pacemaker installed.  “Installed” probably isn’t the correct word to use.  It makes me sound like a cyborg.

Anyway, all this has, not surprisingly, opened my eyes to my mortality.  I’m only 41, but I guess all my years of drinking, smoking, stressing, eating good southern fried foods, and generally living like there’s no tomorrow, has finally caught up with me.  To put things into perspective, I actually went online last week and created my last will and testament.  Not that I have that much to leave anyone when I die, but what I do have I want to go to the right people.  Even after being in the hospital for a couple of days and having all kinds of tests run, I still wasn’t too worried about all this.  I even went right back to work. Gotta make that money y’all.

However, a week ago I had just went to bed and as I was just about to drift off to sleep I had this horrible feeling of falling into complete and utter darkness.  It was terrifying and not like anything I had ever felt before.  It took a few seconds but I knew I had to wake up and when I did it was with a gasp that scared me even more.  Maybe my heart stopped beating for a few seconds or maybe it was just a bad dream, but either way it scared the hell out of me.  It was so vivid and real that I wasn’t sure what to think of it.

Of course I have to think that if that is what dying feels like then it’s terrifying and I don’t really want it to happen. Or at least if it happens I hope I’m already asleep and don’t realize it’s happening.  I know I don’t really have much choice in the matter so I’m doing my best to not think about it.

I know I haven’t posted to this blog since January and that’s probably because when I’m happy I don’t have as much to bitch about. 😉  And I have been very happy here in Tennessee with Buck.  I found a great job that I’ve had for almost a year now, and even though it’s probably one of the most stressful jobs I’ve ever had, I still enjoy it.  Buck makes me laugh daily and I know he loves me very much.  We’re even planning on getting married in about a month. That’s something I never thought I’d do again, but I think he’s worth it.

So that’s all for now.  I hope I’ll be able to write again soon and to keep writing.  Writing on this blog has been my therapy and a joy for me for the past five years.  I appreciate all the wonderful and supportive and funny comments my readers have left me.  I hope I have many more years of writing left in me because my story is far from finished.

Love always,

Ginger

Smile for life

SmileLife is too short not to smile.  That’s what I’ve learned in my forty years.  Even when you don’t necessarily feel like smiling, do it anyway.  Even though tears may be welling up, about to fall, just smile and think about all the good things in your life.  I promise you, that things are probably never as bad as you think, and you CAN make it though this…whatever your “this” may be.

People who meet me usually think that I’m always cheerful and happy.  Of course I’m not though.  Not always.  But what they don’t know is that even when I’m smiling, I could be depressed, or lonely, or stressed beyond belief.  It never lasts though.  Smiling is my coping mechanism.  It helps me remember that things aren’t really as bad as my mind wants me to think they are.

When the snow is falling, and I just can’t sleep because of crazy hormonal imbalances, and I just don’t feel like smiling, I find some reason to smile anyway.  Usually, the catalyst is music, as you may have guessed.  When I have insomnia and am exhausted and have no desire to write anything, I go to YouTube and start wandering around, going down the rabbit hole.  Sometimes I get sucked into the usual stupid videos, but now and then I find something inspiring.

Tonight I saw a post on Facebook that was a link to an artist named Alex Boyé doing a cover of Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk.”   Now you all know I love me some Bruno, so I had to watch.  Alex Boyé’s versions of popular songs sucked me in, made me smile, and gave me the inspiration and motivation that I needed.  Reading about his past and path to where he is now also inspired me.  Actually what really got me, and yes, made me tear up a bit, was the video of him becoming an American citizen.  I guess I’m just a mushy sentimental romantic nerd.

Speaking of being a mushy sentimental romantic nerd…things are going great with Buck.  I guess that’s what originally got me thinking about smiling.  Not only does he make me smile constantly, I just love seeing him smile.  I especially like making him smile.  Have I mentioned his dimples?  Well, they’re awesome. 🙂

Even if I weren’t with Buck, I know I’d still have a reason to smile everyday because I have family and friends who love me.  I’m grateful that I am with him though, because it gives me that extra reason to smile.  Even when I don’t really feel good, or am stressed out, or just am in a blah mood.  He’s there to remind me that it’s never too late to find the person (again) who can light up your life and your mind and your heart.

I’m truly blessed, and have been all my life.  I’ve known, and dated, some really amazing people.  Broken hearts and bruised egos aside, I still care about many of them, and wish them nothing but the best.  It’s been a long crazy journey, with a ten-year intermission, but I’m finally where I belong and with the right person.

So there it is.  Hot damn.

Peace, love, & happiness.

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2015: The Year of Bliss Attacks

light-in-the-confessionalIt’s been two months since my last confession post.  Buck and I have since moved to another state and have begun our little life together.  Originally the plan was that he would just move to be with me, and he did.  Once he got there though, I brought up the idea that maybe we should move back to his home state.  It made sense for several reasons, but the main one was that he wouldn’t have to pay out-of-state tuition. He also would be close to his family and friends.  Of course I knew I’d miss the friends that I had made in Podunk, Mississippi, but it also meant I would no longer have to see Teacher on a regular basis.

Teacher and I have become friends since he broke up with me in March of last year, but it was still a little awkward at times, especially once Buck arrived and was hanging out with me all the time.  Getting over the breakup with Teacher wasn’t easy, but I was proud that I had eventually recovered and moved on.  It’s not always easy to move on though when you have to see your ex-boyfriend every other day.  So moving to another state seemed like a blessing in disguise.

So there was a lot of driving back and forth for Buck.  He had to go home for Christmas without me while I stayed in Mississippi and worked through the end of the year.  My last day at work was the last day of 2014.  It seemed a fitting end to a crazy year.

tiny carBuck came back after Christmas and on January 3rd we moved.  It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been great. I had to leave 80% of my belongings in a storage unit in Mississippi because it wouldn’t all fit in his tiny car.  His car still looked like a tiny clown car once we had stuffed it to the gills with my clothes and necessities.  By necessities I mean some shoes, clothes, computer, silverware, one (just one) plate, my Monkey, and one Willie picture (my 1980s autographed album promo poster of Willie Nelson).  There were some other random things thrown in, but no furniture other than one large metal shelving unit and one small metal shelving unit.  They only made it in because they could be taken apart and thus didn’t take up much room in the car.

When Buck went home for Christmas he rented us an apartment that I had found online.  That was at least one less thing we had to take care of once we got to my new home state.  I’ve met his family, most of them anyway, and everyone seems to like me, which is a relief.  Now I’m just doing daily job searches and applying for every office-type job I can find.  He starts back to school in another week, so he’s been busy getting all that in order.

Now for the part that I haven’t really mentioned yet.  Buck and I have something in common.  We both like the D.  By D I mean dick.  Yes, he likes having sex with both men and women.  This is the point where I don’t really know how to explain things very well.  I feel like it’s important to share this information though because it’ll make things easier to understand in my future posts.

So, yes, he’s bisexual, but so am I.  I just consider myself to be more attracted to men than women.  So it’s not an issue, especially since we have an understanding.  The understanding is that we can have sex with other people as long as both of us either know about it, or both of us are present and/or involved in the act.  Hopefully that will clear things up a little.  If it doesn’t feel free to comment & ask any questions you might have.  Because at this point I’m unsure about how much detail I should give here.

He knows about and has read the blog.  I’m sure I’ve said before that I would never let another boyfriend know about the blog, but how often do I really follow my advice?  I think that’s why I’m so shy about writing certain things though.  It’s as if I’m afraid of betraying his trust or confidence.  I know that’s not true though because I asked him how he felt about it and he’s not worried about what I write.

That should be enough for now.  Hopefully at least everyone knows that I’m still alive and didn’t get murdered or abducted by the mysterious Prince Buck Charming.  So, yay! 🙂

Oh, and do I have some stories to tell. 😉  And you thought things here would get boring once I settled down and fell in love again.  Bazinga!

Peace, love, & happiness.

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