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Love & Sex Q&A #105

Love & Sex105

When you start getting seriously involved with someone, do you want the person to stop going out with others?  How deeply involved would you let yourself become before insisting upon this sort of commitment?

Sometimes I think this little book of questions was written just for me.  I love this question in particular because I had to think about something that I normally don’t bother thinking about.  I’ve decided that there are three ways that I can look at it.

  1. The way that I would like it to be.
  2. The way that it has been.
  3. The way that I am, or my hypocritical ways.

First there is the way that I would like it to be.  When I start getting seriously involved with someone, I do want the person to stop going out with others.  This is usually because I tend to have sex with a person entirely too soon.  Once I have sex with someone I like to think that I am more than enough for them and they won’t even feel the need to see other people.  I also think that to find out if things are going to work out with someone, they should focus on one person at a time to give it a fair chance.

So I suppose what I’m trying to say is that even in the early development stages of a relationship, and to give people a fair chance, a person should only date one person at a time.  That would be ideal, but I don’t think that happens all the time.

Next there’s the way that it has been for me in the past.  Many men don’t seem to think anything is wrong with dating multiple women at the same time.  Many women don’t either, but I’m focusing on the men that I’ve dealt with over the years.  I’ve dated many men who continued dating other people while they dated me.  Of course I didn’t always know until later that they were dating other people, and I usually found out after it was too late.  There’s nothing inherently wrong with dating more than one person at a time except for the fact that it seriously divides your attention and makes it difficult to give any one person a full chance.  I just don’t think that is very fair.  Because the beginning of a relationship is a critical time I don’t believe that waiting until you’re seriously involved with someone to become monogamous is going to help very much.

Lastly I have to admit my own faults and the fact that I’m a hypocrite when it comes to how I want men to act and how I tend to act.  I may believe that it’s ideal to date only one person at a time, and want the guys I date to be monogamous from the get-go, but honestly that street doesn’t always go both ways.  I guess it’s a subconscious fail-safe mechanism that I have that in theory will keep me from getting hurt, or too close too soon, or to keep some other strange unsubstantiated fears at bay.  Sometimes though, it’s just that I can’t say no when a cute guy asks me out.  So I can understand why men do what they do, sort of.

While writing this I had a thought.  Don’t laugh.  I really did.  I forgot to mention that all this probably depends on what kind of dating a person is doing.  Are they dating just to date and hang out with people, or are they dating to look for a serious relationship?  If they are dating looking for a serious relationship then what I said above applies.  If they are just dating to be dating, then I don’t think it really applies.  If you’re just looking for a good time, then you should make that clear and then monogamy isn’t really an issue.

Happy humping!

Love & Sex Q&A #6

Love & Sex6

Are you more attracted to people whose personalities are similar to yours or very different?  What differences attract you and why?

That’s a complicated question, because I’m a complicated gal.  I think I’m attracted to people with certain personality traits that are similar to mine.  I also think that those aren’t always the best personality traits to be attracted to.  They are just familiar and comfortable for me.

I have found that I am very attracted to people with personality traits that are completely opposite to mine as well.  Traits such as being outgoing, talkative, and not self-conscience attract me because they tend to make me more open to acting on Continue reading

Love & Sex Q&A #5

Love & Sex5

Would you feel unfaithful if you had frequent sexual daydreams about someone other than your partner?  If your partner were having such fantasies, would you want to know about it?  Why?

I wouldn’t feel unfaithful so long as it was someone who I knew I would never actually be with sexually.  Back when I was working in retail and living with Bobblehead Nerd, I had sexual daydreams about a couple of my very attractive regular customers.  That didn’t mean I was going to follow through and act on those daydreams.  They were just that, daydreams.

I think many of us have sexual daydreams about celebrities and other famous people who we find attractive.  Hell, I’ve posted pictures of Tom Welling and others that I would put a hurtin’ on anytime, but it’s very unlikely that I’ll ever get the chance to do so.

If I said I had a problem with my partner doing the same things then I’d be a hypocrite.  Actually I don’t have a problem with my partner having sexual fantasies, so long as they don’t follow through on them.  As far as wanting to know about it…I don’t think I’d want to know.  I like feeling like I’m the only one that my guy thinks about even if I know that I’m not.

Happy humping!

Love & Sex Q&A #4

Love & Sex4

If your lover kept a private journal that was easily accessible, under what circumstances might you read it without permission?  For example, what if your relationship were on the rocks and you were confused about your partner’s feelings?

This question really strikes a nerve for me for many reasons.  First of all I have kept journals since I was a kid, but really got into it when I was about 19 years old.

When I was 22 I moved to New York City to live with my first husband, Con Artist, and had a very difficult time adjusting and found journaling to be very therapeutic.  I wrote about my problems with him and his mother and her eight cats, yes, eight cats.  I’m allergic to animals by the way.  She knew that, but she didn’t care.  She hated me.  Anyway, it got to a point where he started reading my journal without my permission.  It pissed me off so I started writing stuff in it directed towards him.  I knew he would read it so I figured why not make the most of the situation.

There was another person who read my journal without my permission and that ended in disaster.  I think that if a person wants to know something about me then they should just ask.

All of that is probably what led me to this thing we call blogging.  This is basically an online version of my journal.  Even though I’ve still had a couple of boyfriends who found my blog and read it, I don’t regret writing it.  If they happen to find it and read it and if they really love me for who I am they should not be bothered by what I write.  If it does bother them, then they shouldn’t be reading it or they shouldn’t continue dating me.  It’s that simple.

Now to answer the question about me reading my lover’s journal.  I would not go and read someone’s private journal unless I had permission to do so.  That would be worse than going through someone’s email or phone.  If I’m confused about someone’s feelings then I should feel comfortable enough with them to just ask them about it without having to sneak around behind their back and spy on them.

Happy humping!

Love & Sex Q&A #3

Love & Sex3

When was the last time you made love so spontaneously you couldn’t have predicted it 20 minutes before?  What attitudes lead you to such surprises and what attitudes prevent them from happening?

The last time was probably the first time that I was with EB.  I had no plans of doing anything with him, let alone having sex.  Having a carefree, slutty, sex-crazed attitude is probably what leads me to such surprises.  I don’t condone having sex on the first date or having one-night stands, but sometimes it does happen.  When it happens, hopefully it turns out good.

Having negative attitudes towards sex such as thinking of it as a chore, not fulfilling, or just being afraid of intimacy can hinder the ability to be open to having spontaneous sex.  Fear, doubt and self-consciousness can really hinder a person’s ability to just go with the flow and let things happen.

Happy humping!