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The case of the missing condom

Late Easter Sunday night my phone rang.  It was my sister.  “Hello sis.  So…Bitchboy came over tonight,” she said.  Bitchboy is her new plaything.  He’s a 28-year-old self-absorbed redneck who is quite possibly bisexual.  He’s cute though, and therefore fun to play with.  So he went over to her house last night and they had a little play time.  Evidently half way through the condom came off.  Of course my first question was if the condom was too big for him.  She swears that wasn’t the problem.  Since they were half way in through they didn’t bother looking for the condom right then.  He put another one on and kept right on going.

surprisedwomanAfter they finished they started looking for the missing condom.  It was nowhere to be found.  They checked the bed, under the bed, under the pillows, and still couldn’t find it.  Then it dawned on my sister, and Bitchboy, that the condom might still be inside her.  Not knowing what to do, Bitchboy pulled out his phone and started Googling it.  He found out that if the condom is not removed rather quickly, it can cause an infection.  So she went to the bathroom to go on a condom hunt.

She couldn’t feel it or find it.  The condom must have been deep inside, and she assumed it was because he was hitting the “back wall” if you get my meaning.  He must have pushed it so far in that she couldn’t reach it on her own.  The only other thing to do was either to wait and see if it came out on its own, or go to a doctor to have it removed.

Funny-condomWell, once Bitchboy left my sister called me and told me what had happened.  At first I tried to be supportive and helpful, even doing my own Google search.  I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was a little worried and even more embarrassed, but we were still able to laugh about it.  Especially when I asked, “How in the hell do these kinds of things happen to us?”

I really didn’t know what to tell her or what advice to give her.  The only thing I could suggest was for her to do jumping jacks to try to jog it loose.  Unfortunately, she said Bitchboy had already suggested that.  After some more research I found a page that suggested propping one leg up high on a counter or something so that the condom can more easily be retrieved.  So it seemed that yoga may be the answer…or not.

Fuck-Yoga

Since neither of us had any good ideas about how to retrieve the missing condom, we decided it would probably be best if she just had a drink and then went to the doctor the next day, if it hadn’t made an appearance before then.  I said goodnight and good luck.

Seven minutes later she sent me a text that said, “Got it!!!”  I guess the jumping jacks worked.

Happy humping! (Never stop searching.)

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Got to give it up

HK BMI know it’s been a long time, but I’m still around.  Since my last post on August 7th I’ve moved into a beautiful little house with Teacher, started a new job, made lots of new friends, and have decided I want to have a baby.  Yep.  You heard me right.  I, Preacher’s Daughter, want a little bundle of piss & shit.  To be more specific, I’m hoping for a little girl I can cover in Hello Kitty from head to tiny little toes.  If it’s a boy though, I promised Teacher that I wouldn’t make him wear Hello Kitty stuff.  Maybe Dear Daniel, or Keroppi, or Badtz Maru, but not Hello Kitty.  I swear.

Now, I know I’ve told you many times that I couldn’t have one, and I thought that was the truth.  Fortunately, I was wrong, probably.  I won’t know for sure until January 2nd, but from what my doctor told me last week, it’s highly possible that I will be able to pop one out with the help some hormone-boosting medicine.  Honestly, I’m still in a state of shock over it all.

I never planned on having one.  In fact, I had resigned myself to being content just being an aunt and a big sister.  This relationship thing that I have with Teacher has changed everything though.  I find myself wanting to settle down, for real this time, and have a long happy life, a real job again, and a family.

Speaking of my relationship with Teacher…it couldn’t be better.  This guy is the real deal.  Hell, he has even bought me jewelry and a Soda Stream.  What more could I ask for? Actually, he’s done a lot more than that.  He’s been there for me in every way possible.  He’s caring, supportive, kind, creative, talented, and loving.  It’s kind of weird being with someone so great.  I’ve been with so many assholes, dumbasses, and crazies, that it’s hard to grasp the concept of being in a healthy wonderful relationship.  I’m holding on for dear life though. 🙂

One thing that has happened over the past few weeks is that I’ve pretty much stopped drinking alcohol completely.  It’s not that I was planning to or wanting to, I just lost the taste for it.  Weird, I know.  No more drinking tequila until I dance on the tables?  What the hell?  I guess it was just time to give it up.  Next to go will be the cigarettes.  Ouch.  That one’s gonna really hurt.

So much has happened in the past four months that I couldn’t possible put it all in one post, so I guess I’ll just have to catch you up as we go along.  If I am a bad girl again and don’t post until after my appointment on January 2nd, please say a little prayer for me and my future little redhead Mozart.  🙂

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

Happy humping! (Let’s make a baby y’all!)

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Eat too much, drink too much, too much

My birthday week was awesome and it’s not over yet. 😉

Supermoons, bitches, and wheelchairs

montrealWow.  What a month.  First of all, Bulldog quit.  Bulldog was the guy who replaced Hamster about a month and a half ago.  I can’t say I was too surprised to find out that he had found a better job and was moving on.  I also can’t blame him.  Hopefully I’ll be following him out soon.  Secondly, Bossman hired another guy who quit the day before he was scheduled to start.  Lastly, I found out this week that yet another new hire turned in his notice.  He started on Monday.  Bossman is not having the best of luck when it comes to keeping employees.  Sadly to say, for him at least, I will be leaving soon too.

I had a second interview with that company, but still haven’t heard anything.  I’m still checking out other job leads in the mean time.  Also, I thought I had found a cheaper apartment, which would have allowed me to move sooner, but that fell through.  It’s ok though, because that first apartment is still available. 🙂  Now if I can just save enough cash for the rent & deposit I should be ready to move.

Speaking of saving cash…my sister told me Monday that she’s moving next week.  The Preacher is coming down to help her move.  All I can say is thank God!  She’s been driving me crazy.  The house is a disaster area, her dogs brought fleas into the house (and they only seem to bite me and Little Bubba, not my sister), and between paying the power and water bills by myself I haven’t had any money left over to save for my move.

I got a call yesterday about another job prospect.  I’ve got an interview on Monday.  Maybe I’ll actually get this one.  In the mean time I’m taking advantage of having a week of paid vacation.  I scheduled it over a month ago in the hopes that Teacher and I would get to go somewhere.  It turns out that he’s Continue reading

Memorial Day Musings

roseSo here I am at work, contemplating life’s wonderfulness and thanking the universe for sending me Teacher, and in walks Car Wash Guy.  In between contemplating and daydreaming, I was also doing some work for Bossman (who I’m not happy with right now, but I’ll explain that later).  So I was able to ignore CWG for a few minutes, but eventually he asked me a question about a camera and I had no choice but to acknowledge his presence.  After he asked me about the camera he quietly asked if I had changed my number.  I told him that I had and it was because I got a new phone from Bossman.

Then CWG said something odd.  He said, “I got my divorce.  She cleaned me out.”  Wait.  What?  I don’t remember him being married.  I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that.  When I questioned him about the married part he said, “Yeah, I told you I was in the middle of a divorce.”  Well, ok, whatever.  However, I swear I don’t remember him telling me any such thing.

He asked if I still had his number.  I lied and said I didn’t.  It’s probably still in my phone, because I’m too lazy to delete numbers.  So when he asked for my number I told him that I was seeing someone.  He quickly said, “Oh, ok, I’m sorry.”  Then he pretty much just left.  Thank God.

As I said, I had been contemplating and daydreaming before CWG came in.  So after he left I Continue reading