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Viagra: The Great Deceiver

thingThing was a former body builder in his late forties.  His hobbies included going to the gym daily, eating 8,000 calories a day, working, and playing with firearms.  His arms were huge by the way, and his ass was hard as a rock.  Just picture the Thing, but without all the weird rock skin.

His personality wasn’t as satisfying though.  He was not what I’d call exciting by any means.  He was nice and somewhat talkative, but that was about it.  On our first date we drank several beers at his house while he cooked dinner.  Actually I think he went through a full case, but he is a big guy.  The date started early in the afternoon.  We went out to the woods and he let me shoot his .22 (that’s a hand gun 😉 ) for a while.  I killed an empty beer box, so that was fun.  Then we went back to his house.  By the time we got to 5 o’cock he started making his move.

I was fairly tipsy by then so I just went with the flow.  Actually I kind of attacked him…in a good way of course.  My hormones had been in overdrive and he seemed like a good outlet.  We made out for about ten minutes in his kitchen and I finally just asked him if he wanted to go to the bedroom.

Once we got to the bedroom he stripped me down, then he stripped down and I got to see him in all his musclebound glory.  Unfortunately the muscles were the only impressive things about him.  He was ok though.  We had sex, then I fell asleep.  About an hour later I woke up to him pulling the covers off of me and getting ready for another go.  Afterwards, I fell asleep again.  Another hour later, yep, you guessed it, he was back for round three.

After round three I thought surely he’d let me get more than an hour of sleep.  He did.  He waited two hours until wanting round four.  By then I was exhausted.  I managed to get another couple of hours of sleep before rounds five and six.Viagra-Ring-Results

As I lay there after round six, I couldn’t help but wonder, WTF dude?  He’s almost fifty years old and just came six times in less than 12 hours.  I was so tired that Viagra hadn’t even crossed my mind.  I was tired and sore and couldn’t think straight, so I slept.

He took me home the next morning.  He had to take his mom to church.  It was Easter Sunday, the day that I have chosen over the years to celebrate my debauchery at it’s finest.

Five days later he came over to my place.  We didn’t waste much time getting into the bedroom.  Naturally I thought it would be like last time.  Not that I wanted another sex marathon, but one good time would have sufficed.  That didn’t happen.  He came within three minutes.  I, however, didn’t, at all.

He headed to the bathroom after he finished, so while he was in there I got dressed.  I tried to lead him back to the living room and towards the door because at that point I just wanted him to leave.  He did.

So, after consulting my sister on the matter, we decided that Viagra, or the lack thereof, must have been to blame for that second “date” disaster.  Shame on you makers of Viagra.  You got my hopes up and then sent them crashing back down.

Happy humping, and humping, and humping, and humping!

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The case of the missing condom

Late Easter Sunday night my phone rang.  It was my sister.  “Hello sis.  So…Bitchboy came over tonight,” she said.  Bitchboy is her new plaything.  He’s a 28-year-old self-absorbed redneck who is quite possibly bisexual.  He’s cute though, and therefore fun to play with.  So he went over to her house last night and they had a little play time.  Evidently half way through the condom came off.  Of course my first question was if the condom was too big for him.  She swears that wasn’t the problem.  Since they were half way in through they didn’t bother looking for the condom right then.  He put another one on and kept right on going.

surprisedwomanAfter they finished they started looking for the missing condom.  It was nowhere to be found.  They checked the bed, under the bed, under the pillows, and still couldn’t find it.  Then it dawned on my sister, and Bitchboy, that the condom might still be inside her.  Not knowing what to do, Bitchboy pulled out his phone and started Googling it.  He found out that if the condom is not removed rather quickly, it can cause an infection.  So she went to the bathroom to go on a condom hunt.

She couldn’t feel it or find it.  The condom must have been deep inside, and she assumed it was because he was hitting the “back wall” if you get my meaning.  He must have pushed it so far in that she couldn’t reach it on her own.  The only other thing to do was either to wait and see if it came out on its own, or go to a doctor to have it removed.

Funny-condomWell, once Bitchboy left my sister called me and told me what had happened.  At first I tried to be supportive and helpful, even doing my own Google search.  I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was a little worried and even more embarrassed, but we were still able to laugh about it.  Especially when I asked, “How in the hell do these kinds of things happen to us?”

I really didn’t know what to tell her or what advice to give her.  The only thing I could suggest was for her to do jumping jacks to try to jog it loose.  Unfortunately, she said Bitchboy had already suggested that.  After some more research I found a page that suggested propping one leg up high on a counter or something so that the condom can more easily be retrieved.  So it seemed that yoga may be the answer…or not.

Fuck-Yoga

Since neither of us had any good ideas about how to retrieve the missing condom, we decided it would probably be best if she just had a drink and then went to the doctor the next day, if it hadn’t made an appearance before then.  I said goodnight and good luck.

Seven minutes later she sent me a text that said, “Got it!!!”  I guess the jumping jacks worked.

Happy humping! (Never stop searching.)

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Steel Magnolias No More

steel_magnoliasMy mother and aunt arrived here on a Thursday afternoon.  Fortunately for me I was at work when they arrived.  Unfortunately for my sister, she was here.  She said that they didn’t even make it into the house before they started their bitching.  First it was about all the stuff on the porch, then it was about the house being too messy, then it was about there being dishes in the sink.  (Just so you know, we cleaned before they got here, and the stuff on the porch is crap that we cleaned out to throw away.)  Once they looked in the refrigerator they started bitching about us not having any food.  (Again, we are on a budget, plus we’ve tried to eat healthier and veggies don’t keep forever you know.)  I’m sure that the lack of Little Debbie snacks and fat-filled crap made them think that they were going to starve before they could make it to the grocery store.  (Yet again, you should know that my aunt and mom are both overweight and have no idea how to eat healthy.)  So that’s how the visit started…with them bitching about every little thing and nearly causing my sister to have an aneurism.

Ok, so we had two extra people in the house so far, and we still only had my bed, my sister’s bed, and Little Bubba‘s bunk beds.  It wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but my aunt is so big that she can only sleep in certain places.  So logistically she had to take my sister’s bed, because my bed is upstairs, and neither one of them can make it up the stairs without nearly having a heart attack.  So me, my sister, and Little Bubba all had to sleep in my bed.  Talk about family togetherness.  The worst part of that was having my nephew’s knees jabbing me in the back all night.

On Friday, my dad and little brother arrived.  Thankfully I had to work again that day.  That night there was more bitching about food, the lack thereof, and how my sister was being unreasonable by trying to make sure we cooked healthy foods even while they were here.   Like they are allergic to it or something.  Shit, I am allergic to shellfish, but that never stopped them from cooking tons of shrimp and not worrying about what the fuck I was going to eat.  I always had to make do with salad or whatever I could find.  [Sigh] Sorry.  I know I’m ranting here, but I’m so stressed out by their being here.  I’m literally turning red and feel my skin heating up because I’m so angry with all of them.

That night my dad slept on his ancient camping cot thing and Little Brother slept on the couch.  Again me, sis, and Little Bubba all slept in my bed.

So we made it through Friday night, and I woke up Saturday morning and went downstairs to get my coffee.  I had my coffee and cigarette, took my shower, and got ready for work as usual.  When I came back into the kitchen my mom was going through the pantry.  She saw me and said, “Y’all don’t even have anything to make biscuits.”  I said, “Mom, [Fallen Angel] is on unemployment, and I don’t make that much, so we have run low on funds for food, but I promise I’ll get some groceries today.”  Mom sort of rolled her eyes and said “uh huh” in this disbelieving tone that really pissed me off.  Why she thinks we are living high on the hog I don’t know, but it’s really annoying considering we both moved here to help them and all they’ve done is bitch and moan about every little thing we’ve done.  If I could go back in time, I never would have paid the taxes on this damn house, and I never would have moved here.  I would have told them to shove it up their tail pipes and put a match to the damn place.

(Deep breaths.)

OK, so I’m stressed.  Not just a little stressed, but a lot stressed.  It’s not just the food issues, or the lack of understanding, or the constant bitching.  It’s also because I’m in a house with five other people, and I’m the ONLY ONE who IS employed.  And yet they feel that they have some god given right to tell me how to live my life and what to do with my money?  Oh hell NO.

(More deep breaths.)

Thankfully, Teacher had asked me to come hang out with him after I got off work on Saturday.  I had packed a bag and snuck it out with me when I left for work that morning.  I was all ready to go as soon as I closed up the store.  I had told my sister that I would not be back that night and I told her where I was going, but I didn’t mention anything to my parents about not being back that night.  I knew that there was no point.  They would just lecture me or ask a million intrusive questions or be very judgmental about it like they are with everything else I do.  So instead I just left.

I had a great time with Teacher Saturday afternoon and evening.  I got to hear him play and sing at a nice little bar/restaurant, meet some of his friends, and spend the rest of the night with him.  The next morning we went out to breakfast and then to a park for a little while before I had to head back.  I really didn’t want to leave, but I knew my family was probably already up in a tizzy because I didn’t come home the night before.  Plus it was Easter Sunday and we were supposed to have a family lunch/dinner and an egg hunt for the boys.  If it weren’t for the boys I wouldn’t have cared what the rest of them had planned, but I wanted the boys to have a good Easter.

As I was driving home I got a text from Fallen Angel.  It said, “Don’t get your hopes up on the ham.”  I wasn’t sure what that meant and she didn’t respond to my text asking her to explain.  When I was about half way home she sent me another text.  “Are you on your way home?”  I told her I was and she said, “Thank God.”  So of course my mind starts racing.  I didn’t know what to expect once I got there.  Would the ham be sitting on the front lawn, would they be screaming at one another, would I get verbally attacked when I walked in?  The wave of stress was overwhelming.  Then she sent one last text.  It said, “They saw the picture.”  (I had posted a picture of Teacher playing Saturday night on my Facebook.)

When I did get home and walk in, my mom saw me and just said, “Well, hello.”  Of course her tone is what said it all.  I knew what she really meant was, “There you are you little heathen. How dare you stay out all night while we’re here.”  So what?  It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve done something to piss them off.  They should be used to it by now.

The next few days were awful.  Usually it’s my sister and my dad who don’t get along, but this time it was my sister and my mom.  My aunt didn’t help either.  Their constant bitching about drove me crazy.  They finally left Wednesday and praise Jebus because I don’t think I could have taken much more.  I was just itching for them to say something to me so I could let the wrath of the redhead fall upon them all.

After they had all gone home I told my sister about them trying to convince me that I needed to move back there with them.  I told her that it would be a cold day in hell before I ever lived within two hours of them again, and I meant it.  Their drama is just that…theirs.  I don’t want anything to do with it.

Happy humping!
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Star light, star bright

I was out on my back porch earlier having a cig & a glass of wine.  As I listened to the crickets chirping, looked up at the night sky full of stars, and watched the lightning storm in the distance, I began to think about how my life might be in twenty or thirty years.

Every time I try to imagine myself as an old woman, all I see is me and my little sister living together in my grandparents’ old farmhouse back in Alabama, and driving each other crazy.  I picture my red hair intermingled with white hair, my skin wrinkled, and my smile tired.  I’ll have a unique fashion sense (meaning bizarre ;)) and being a single old woman, I can pretty much do whatever I want and not have to worry about what other people think of me.  I love that part.  Hell, if I want to go to Wal-Mart in my fur coat, pajamas, and flip-flops, then I’ll damn well do just that.

My life is quiet and simple, yet full of family and friends.  Holidays would be like they once were when my grandmother was still alive.  There would be lots of good home-cooking, none of which I would have cooked.  I leave the serious cooking up to my sister.  I would do the dishes afterwards though because she hates doing dishes, as I well know.

My nephew would bring his wife or girlfriend over to visit, and maybe they’ll even have a couple of kids.  My cousins would come over with their kids.  Of course my little brother would come over late after getting off work at the hospital.  He’ll be a doctor by then.  He’s feisty, but smart.  If I’m lucky or blessed or both, then maybe my parents will still be around to enjoy all that with my sister and me.

I never can picture what I’m doing for work other than just this, writing.  Maybe that’s my calling in life.  Then again, maybe not.  LOL  I believe that as long as I have my friends and family around me, I’ll be just fine.

So as I wish upon a star tonight, I hope all of your nights are filled with beautiful star light.

Happy humping!

Happy Easter!

Behold My Craftiness…

Happy Easter!