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Dinner and a Funeral

Just when you think the year couldn’t start out any worse, someone dies.

I went to the fertility doctor on January 2nd and was told that the only way I’d ever have a child was if I underwent in vitro fertilization and used donor eggs.  The worst part was when the doctor told me that it would cost around $20,000, which I don’t have.  So I had to abruptly give up my dream of having a child.

Of course adoption was briefly discussed as an option, but at this point I’m not sure I even want a child any more.  Teacher would be willing to go that route if I wanted to, but even adoption can be expensive and be a very long process.

That was not a great way to start the year.

I could have gotten over that relatively easily and moved on with my life, but then things got worse.  The following Monday, my mom called me at work & left me a voice mail message.  My grandfather had passed away earlier that morning.  It wasn’t completely unexpected, but then again, it was.  We knew he was not doing well, but I had no idea it was that bad.

You may remember my post about him that I wrote entitled “Grandpa got run over by a gold-digger.”  I loved my Paw Paw very much, but he did a very stupid thing when he married that woman.  She did turn out to be a gold-digger.  Even worse she turned out to be an evil bitch, or as my mother called her, “the devil.”

I drove to Alabama the day of the funeral.  My sister, cousin, nephew, and I rode together and went in together.  We attempted to go through the line and see Paw Paw one last time, but alas the devil woman was standing there beside the casket.  So we ended up walking away before we even got all the way up to her and the casket.  Neither my sister nor I wanted to have a confrontation with her or her daughter, so we thought it best that we move along.

The rest of the family didn’t arrive until just before the funeral started.  Our side of the family was ushered in first.  About twenty minutes later her side was ushered in and seated.  The aisle may as well have been the grand canyon.  We didn’t look over at them, and they didn’t look over at us.  It was possibly one of the most uncomfortable situations I’ve ever been in.

The funeral service itself was strange and oddly impersonal.  No one really talked about my grandfather’s life before his second marriage.  In fact, they really didn’t talk about his life much at all other than what a great businessman he had been.  I thought they would have at least asked my dad to say a few words, but they didn’t.  The only speakers were my grandfather’s business partner and the pastor of the church that my grandfather had attended a few times in recent years.  They didn’t talk about his childhood, his service in the military, his life with his wife of nearly fifty years, or his children.  It was even more depressing than a funeral normally would be.

Once the service was over, everyone headed outside to their cars to get in line for the procession to the cemetery.  My family had decided that they were not going to attend the graveside service, and instead we were going to go have a late lunch.  This was mainly to avoid being close to the devil woman and her family.  Since weddings and funerals are the only times that we are all together in one place these days, lunch seemed like a good idea.

All 20+ of us were sitting at this long table and the waitress comes up to ask if we needed anything.  She then says that we all look really nice and asked what the occasion was.  My sister, sitting beside me in the middle of the long table, looks up at the girl and says, “See that guy sitting at the end of the table?  He just got out of prison today…and it’s his birthday.”  All of us within earshot about choke on our food trying not to laugh. The poor girl gets wide-eyed and says in a surprised tone, “Oh.”   We all giggle.

Then my uncle, the man at the end of the table, looks up and says, “What? Are y’all talking about me?”  My sister looks at him and says, “Yes, we’re just so glad to have you home.”  He replies, “Oh, OK.  Thanks.”  We all bust out laughing.

texaspeanutsNot wanting to keep the poor girl standing there any longer thinking that we are all insane, my aunt speaks up and says, “We actually just came from a funeral.  Our father died.”  The girl looked relieved and then offered her condolences.  We told her not to pay us any mind because we’re all a little crazy.

We tipped her very well.  Maybe she has a blog somewhere and wrote about the crazy day she had serving a bunch of nuts to a bunch of grieving nuts that just got out of jail.

Paw Paw would have been proud of us for just being together and being able to laugh and reminisce.  He was a man with a great sense of humor and a great big kind heart.  He will be greatly missed, whether the devil woman likes it or not.

Oh, and one last thing.  Before he passed away, he asked my sister what she thought Maw Maw would say when she saw him in Heaven.  He said, “I think she’s gonna tell me what an idiot I was for marrying “devil woman.”  My sister agreed with him and they laughed.  Personally I think my grandmother didn’t say anything.  I think she just slapped him and then gave him a big hug and a kiss. 🙂

Happy humping!

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Your Presence is Requested…

I got a text from Manwhore’s business partner yesterday telling me that a map on one of the brochures was wrong.  She asked nicely if I would fix it and then upload it to Vistaprint again.  Since I’ve already been paid for the work, I agreed to fix it.  I know I said I was finished working for Manwhore, but because it was her and not him who contacted me, I agreed to do it.

I got it done and then logged in to their Vistaprint account.  On the front page of the website it always shows a link to your portfolio after you log in.  It also shows the most recent item that you’ve created.  I noticed a very nicely designed invitation card.  When I clicked on it to see an enlarged image, my jaw hit the floor.

Chicago Gold-Digger & Manwhore

Request the Honour of Your Presence At Our

 Wedding 
 ***
December 12, 2012
at 12:00 noon
Yep, you read that right.  He’s doing it again.  This will make unhappy number 7.  Honestly, I don’t know what to say about this new tidbit of information.  I can’t say I’m surprised.  I’m only surprised he didn’t do it sooner.  However, I will be surprised if he actually makes to the 12/12/12 at 12 wedding.
Regarding Chicago Gold-Digger, I can only say that she is a very savvy gold-digger.  Certainly marrying the man who cheated on you, gave you a disease, and who you kicked out after (due to your gold-digging) he ended up broker than the ten commandments on a Sunday morning, now that takes balls and brains.  Here Manwhore is with his newly found riches, just waiting to run back into your money hungry arms, and you open your legs wide and freely.
What will be really interesting to find out is whether he invites me to the wedding.  LOL
Happy humping my friends.  Happy humping.

It’s a blacktop blur

Yes, it’s me!  I’m back!  I know it’s been entirely too long since I posted anything, but I do have reasonably legitimate excuses.  I will go into those in a bit.  First I have to tell you that I was reminded today, by one who will not be named, that I need to keep writing even when I don’t feel like it or think I have the time.  It’s true.  Sometimes things happen in life that make us feel like we’re drowning, but that’s just all the more reason to keep our heads up and keep on swimming.  So I’m putting my floaties on and going for it.

I have to tell you first that I got a new tattoo just before going up to see my sister two weeks ago.  It’s on my left wrist.  It’s my first and middle names.  The whole time I was visiting my parents, they never even noticed.  I think that’s a sign that they are getting old and senile, but I still love them.  Just sayin’. LOL

So here are my excuses for not writing, as weak as they may be.  First of all my beautiful mother had a heart attack over a week ago.  I was already up at my sister’s helping her out with Little Bubba for a few days when we got the news.  She and I decided to head up to see Mom in the hospital the next day.  It was a long drive that should have only taken six hours, but with Little Bubba along for the ride it ended up taking almost nine hours.

The visit with Mom, Little Brother, and the Preacher was good.  Mom had to stay in the hospital an extra day so we ended up having to leave before she actually went home.  She’s back home now though and feeling a little better.  Hopefully the Preacher won’t stress her out to the point that she ends up back in the hospital.

Also during all of that, my sister, the Blonde Bombshell Fallen Angel, came up with another grand plan.  We’re going to have a Trail Ride & Crawfish Boil next month and sell tickets to make the money for the next house payment.  I thought it was a pretty good idea at first, and still do, but I also know it’s going to be a lot of work.  It’s already been a lot of work and it’s still weeks away.  We have managed to get a band booked, find someone to cook hundreds of pounds of crawfish, and people to help with running the shindig.  Overall I think it’s going very well.  Now we just need to sell about 300 tickets and it will be a huge success.

Also, my sister, my beautiful ever so smart sister, decided that we needed to have a raffle at this event so that we could make even more money.  She pondered a while about what to raffle off, then it came to her.  She decided she would raffle me off.  One night with the Preacher’s Daughter in the little cabin on the farm.  Wasn’t that sweet of her to think of me?

"What you do is...you suck the head until the eyes quiver and then stop." Fallen Angel

Let’s see…what else?  Oh.  Mountain Man and Rocketman.  Well, to put it plainly, those are about two of the flakiest guys I’ve ever met.  Mountain Man informed me that he was moving back out west, and then Rocketman told me he watched his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend have sex one night, and then Rocketman said that he was getting back together with said ex-girlfriend.  So they are history.

I haven’t really had time to do much dating lately due to being a constant road-warrior.  I finally got home on Sunday, just in time to have to drive around for an hour looking for parking due to French Quarter Fest.  Then yesterday I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I had pneumonia.  I was having chest pains, difficulty breathing, and dizzy spells, but it turned out just to be severe bronchitis.  Now I just feel like I’ve been in a fight with a very large gorilla, but I’m sure I’ll recover soon enough with the help of modern science (insert sarcastic laugh here).

Today I had to start my new “job” working as an indentured servant for Manwhore.  I’m helping to promote his new tour business.  I already did his website, brochures, and all that crap.  Now he’s talked me into being his tour pimp.  This puts me completely out of my comfort zone because I’m actually a very introverted person when it comes to strangers and large groups of people.  However, when necessary, I can push myself into doing things that I normally wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.  It’s all about will power.  I never claimed to have a lot of that, especially when it comes to men and sex, but in this case I have managed to muster up just enough.  Just enough to keep Manwhore off my back and paying me to do this for him.

By the way, Witchy Poo is no more.  She evidently annoyed him to the point that he had to cut off all communication with her.  Thank God.  Witchy Poo was just a crazy gold-digger anyway.  After she was rude to me one night and all but ignored me, I was not a fan of hers, and it seems I was not the only one.  Manwhore’s business partner didn’t like her either.

Overall I’m happier than I’ve been in years.  I am unemployed, but not really.  I have a “job” that allows me to wander around the French Quarter talking to people, stopping for a beer if I so choose (haven’t yet, but might), and I get to listen to the great musicians playing in the streets.  Today there were two really good trombone players outside of Rouse’s Market and, being a former t-bone player myself, I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that I was able to stop and listen for a few minutes worry-free.  I even had time to stop and visit with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while.

Sometimes I sink into my little shell and forget that there’s a world outside worth taking a peek at, and that’s not healthy.  I need to make myself get out more and do things that are outside my comfort zone, and by God, I’m gonna like it.  LOL

This isn't who I saw today, but I've seen these guys before. They're actually pretty good. (Note to self: Take more pictures.)

I may still be single and haven’t had sex in entirely too long, but that’s OK.  I am learning to cope.

Happy humping!

Manwhore’s Whores: Stuck on repeat

Whore # 1 (returns)

I got home from my Christmas visit with the family on the 26th, the Monday after Christmas.  What do you think I came home to?  Yep.  Another whore, but this time it was a repeat whore.  According to Manwhore, Whore #1 showed up on his doorstep that morning saying that she was jobless, homeless, and had shipped her daughter to stay with her godmother in another state.  Why she didn’t go with her daughter, I do not know or understand.

Never mind all of that.  I walked in and saw this woman.  At the time I didn’t know who she was, just that she was another of Manwhore’s whores.  I later described her to my sister via text message.

Me:  Seriously!? Another ugly whore is Continue reading

Manwhore’s Whores: They not nuns, they hoes.

Welcome to the whorehouse.  We’re open from 5pm to 4am 7 days a week.  We’re currently running a special for those of you who are alcoholics.

Thus far Manwhore has had four five women over to the apartment.  It’s hard to keep up with them all so I’ve decided to blog about them.  😉  Here is a synopsis of each.  Oh, and I’m guessing this will become a continuing series of posts seeing as how Manwhore shows no signs of slowing down his dating marathon.

Whore #1

The first was before I even moved my stuff into the apartment.  She was a woman that he had never even met before and had only talked to online, via text, and on the phone.  She called him the night before I was supposed to get here and said that the man who she had been staying with got very aggressive and she and her daughter had to leave because they were afraid of him.  Now first of all, why was she on a dating site in the first place if she was already living with a man?  I’m guessing his anger management problems may have had something to do with finding out she was on a dating site.  Either way Manwhore felt sorry for her and told her she and her daughter could come here and stay, indefinitely.

When he first sent me the text telling me about the situation I was livid and looking for my bullets.  I hadn’t even moved in yet and he was moving one of his whores in, with her kid nonetheless!  I know I’m Continue reading