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Memorial Day Musings

roseSo here I am at work, contemplating life’s wonderfulness and thanking the universe for sending me Teacher, and in walks Car Wash Guy.  In between contemplating and daydreaming, I was also doing some work for Bossman (who I’m not happy with right now, but I’ll explain that later).  So I was able to ignore CWG for a few minutes, but eventually he asked me a question about a camera and I had no choice but to acknowledge his presence.  After he asked me about the camera he quietly asked if I had changed my number.  I told him that I had and it was because I got a new phone from Bossman.

Then CWG said something odd.  He said, “I got my divorce.  She cleaned me out.”  Wait.  What?  I don’t remember him being married.  I’m pretty sure I would have remembered that.  When I questioned him about the married part he said, “Yeah, I told you I was in the middle of a divorce.”  Well, ok, whatever.  However, I swear I don’t remember him telling me any such thing.

He asked if I still had his number.  I lied and said I didn’t.  It’s probably still in my phone, because I’m too lazy to delete numbers.  So when he asked for my number I told him that I was seeing someone.  He quickly said, “Oh, ok, I’m sorry.”  Then he pretty much just left.  Thank God.

As I said, I had been contemplating and daydreaming before CWG came in.  So after he left I Continue reading

Locked out of heaven: How I know when I’m in love

Music-is-Love-music-1123041_768_576Teacher and I have dated for about a month and a half now, and since it’s been a crazy few weeks I thought I should do a recap of what’s been going on.

Two weeks ago I helped Teacher move into his new place and had a wonderful weekend hanging out with him.  On Sunday night we were in his room, bringing stuff in, and he stopped me and told me he loved me.  I was surprised, but it wasn’t totally unexpected.  As I was leaving one night the week before, I thought I heard him let it slip out, but I wasn’t sure so I didn’t say anything.  It was one of those quick “love you, bye” type things.  Like I said, I wasn’t sure so I acted like I didn’t hear anything.

After that night I started thinking about it and couldn’t stop.  I kept wondering if I just really liked him and was mistaking it for something more, or if I was just getting ahead of myself, of if I just really wanted it to be love.  Self-doubt is a bitch.  All week I wondered if I should say it first or wait for him to say it, because what if he didn’t feel the same way…what if he’d think I was rushing things…what if…oh damn…too many “what ifs” to worry about.  I decided to just wait and see what happened.  Then he went and said it first, and he didn’t say it in bed!  Brownie points for Teacher! 😉

pkdividerA little over a week ago I was headed out of town to see Teacher perform at a local pub.  I was running late because my sister didn’t approve of my first three outfits, but I had to stop and get gas before leaving town.  When I was about ten miles out of town, I heard an awful clicking noise.  I let down my window and then I heard a really loud pop.  My car then lost all power and I had to drift off to the side of the highway.  Fortunately it was not quite dark yet, but it was getting dark fast and about to storm, and I couldn’t even turn my flashers on.

Besides being late, stuck on the side of the road, and about to be caught in a storm, my window wouldn’t roll back up.  I called AAA, but unfortunately I forgot to renew my membership, so I was screwed.  Then I remembered that my sister had AAA, so I called her.  She was not amused by my plea for help, but she did offer to let me call AAA myself and pretend to be her so that they could come and tow me back to town.  She’s so thoughtful.

So I called them and they said that they would send a tow truck “as soon as possible.”  I hate that phrase.  When AAA says that, it usually means you’ll be sitting there sweating your ass off for a few hours.  So I called my sister back and told her that it might be a while, and could she come and meet me there since I was in the dark and about to be in the rain on the side of the road.  She agreed, and off sis and Little Bubba went to rescue me.

While I was waiting on my rescuers to arrive, I sent Teacher a text telling him that I wasn’t going to make it and he immediately called me to see if I was alright.  I explained the situation and said I’d talk to him the next day.  After we hung up he sent me a text saying that he missed me.  I replied, “I miss you too.  Sing one for me. ;)”  His reply was pretty awesome.  He said, “I’ll sing all of them for you!”

They arrived about a half hour later while I was sitting in my car playing Candy Crush on my new iPhone (courtesy of Bossman).  After sitting in the truck with them for another half hour, AAA finally called me back and said that they couldn’t find a tow truck for me, and they asked if I could wait until the morning.  I didn’t really have much choice, so I agreed.  I got everything I could out of the car, locked it up (yes, even though the window was half way down I still locked it), and we went back home.

pkdividerOver the last few weeks I’ve received messages from Manwhore, Golfer, EB and others trying to talk me into meeting them for a little “fun.”  Flattery is often my weakness, as you’ve probably noticed.  This time it was just nice to hear, but didn’t make me want to see any of them.  I even received a very nice message on Facebook from Thord on Sunday.  Last week I changed my Facebook status from “single” to “in a relationship with [Teacher]” and I guess Thord noticed.

His message said, “You could have just said you were dating someone.  😉  I wouldn’t have kept bugging you so much!”  I told him that he wasn’t bugging me at all.  In fact I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks.  Then he said, “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. lol”  Now this is the kicker…he said, “Like… I feel like I had a delicious bite of ice cream, the best there is, then the place went out of business and discontinued the ice cream.  So sad!  Well, you have my number and my Facebook, and I hope that if you ever want to talk you will.  You’re an amazing woman and I hope that we can at least be friends.  I’ll do my best not to try and steal you away.  Oh, and just so you know. You really were absolutely amazing.”

How freaking sweet is he?!  Out of all the men I’ve dated in the past, he’s the one who deserves to find a great woman to be with.  I hope he finds her sooner than later, and that he doesn’t turn into a womanizing jackass like so many of the others I’ve dated.  Maybe it’s just his youth, or his shy nature, but I like to think that he’s just really a nice guy.

pkdividerSo how do I know when I’m in love?  Well, I usually don’t know until I’ve had my heart broken.  This time is different though.  When he looks at me, when he sneaks my name into a song, when he sings “I want to rock your gypsy soul”, when he holds me tight, when I can’t stop thinking about him, when I find myself worrying about him, but mostly, it’s when I have no desire to be with any other man…when their flattering words just make me smile and nothing more, then my thoughts wander back to him…that’s how I know.

Happy humping!

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Something’s got a hold on me

Soul_Rebels__36I had my date with Teacher last Friday night.  We went to dinner and then to a local club to hear a brass band from New Orleans.  Before they came on though, we had to endure a trio of trucker types playing original songs about bailing the wife out of jail and other stuff that I couldn’t even make out.  The brass band was awesome though.  However, we didn’t stay very long because I had to work Saturday, and I also couldn’t keep myself from being naughty and flirtatious and just wanting to hurry back to the hotel room.

In other news, I really need to change my phone number again.  My phone was vibrating non-stop that night.  I don’t usually want to just completely cut off contact with everyone, but for some reason I’m finding it all too distracting and annoying.  Right now, the only thing I want to concentrate on is being with Teacher.  That means that I don’t need Manwhore, EB, Endymion, and the Ox texting me all night while I’m trying to spend quality time with a really great guy.

I know what my problem is…I’m too nice.  Not all the time, but a lot of the time.  Of course I have my evil bitch moments, but overall I’m very nice.  That can cause problems when it comes to relationships that have ended, since some guys think they can just keep popping up whenever they feel like it.  That’s really getting old, and I’m getting tired of constantly deleting texts from guys I don’t want to talk to anymore.  I’m thinking a fresh start may be in order.  Kill the weeds so the new flowers can grow.

I know I tend to jump into things too quick when it comes to relationships, but I’d like to think I’ve grown and learned a lot over the last few years.  I’d also like to think that my taste in men has improved.  Luck or fate may have more to do with it though, and I think fate has finally smiled on me.  Of course it’s good to be cautious when first seeing someone, but being overly cautious can be bad.  I don’t want to live my life afraid of taking chances or giving things/people a chance.

My sister loves to remind me of the things I’ve said in the past about men I’ve dated.  I was talking to her last week and said something about how great Teacher is and how gentlemanly he is.  She was quick to remind me that when I started dating Skaterboi I said that he treated me like a princess.  We all know how that turned out.  He was hardly a prince and treated me nowhere near like a princess toward the end of the relationship.  But that’s just one relationship and one asshole.  Not all men are like that.

If I’m being completely honest, even the ones that turned out to be assholes were always assholes.  I just didn’t want to admit it in the beginning.  I knew those relationships probably weren’t going to work out, but I had ulterior motives.  Usually involving getting away from my family, great sex, or wanting to feel normal.  Well, fuck normal.  I just want to be with the right person for me.  And by that I mean someone who I have a lot in common with, can be myself with, not have to hide anything from, and just be happy in life’s little moments.  Who knows…maybe Teacher is that man.

I don’t want to be presumptuous, but he does do things to me that most men don’t.  No, I’m not talking just about sex.  Although the sex is awesome.  I’m talking about how he makes me feel and how I feel about him.  Like I said earlier, I don’t even want to hear from or talk to anyone else.  They are just too much of a distraction, when all I really want to do is focus on Teacher.  My interest in other men has disappeared, and that’s odd for me.  I only get that way when I really like someone.

If I look back to the times when I was a “cheater” I can see that it was usually because of one reason.  I wasn’t that into the guy I was with and allowed my sex drive to take over instead of my morals.  I allowed myself to become what I hate most.  I also knew that the ending of the relationship was inevitable and figured I could just hurry it along by cheating.  Of course that’s not the best way of going about it, but it worked.

I don’t seem to have to worry about any of that with Teacher though.  I can’t get rid of the pop-ups and lurkers fast enough.  Speaking of fast enough…I’m trying to contain myself and not move too fast even though everything in me is telling me to just let go and let it fly.  There’s a constant battle raging inside me, going back and forth between wanting to be the free spirit wanting to love and be loved, and the morally uptight prude who thinks I should hold back emotionally so that I won’t get hurt.  The latter is exhausting though.  It’s so much easier and less stressful to just let go and be with someone, not constantly thinking ahead and worrying about what might happen.  Sure, I could get hurt, again, but so what?  It happens.  Then I dust myself off and move on.

Oh, and one last thing.  Teacher knows about my blog, and he’s been reading it.  So far I think he’s up to August 2011.  The way I see it, if he makes it to the end and is still seeing me, then he’s a keeper for sure. 😉  Not all men can handle me and my crazy past and not be judgmental about it.  He seems to be the type that can though.

As always…

Happy humping!

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Manwhore’s whores: Not me!

This has been an insane week.  I almost started to think it was Pop-Up Men time again, but it seems to have stopped at two.  (I didn’t count Harry because he showed back up last week.)  It started out with, are you ready for this?  Manwhore.  Yes, the very same Manwhore who got married to the Chicago Gold-Digger less than two months ago.  At first I thought it was going to just be a text asking me to do some website work for him or something, but I was wrong.  I was very wrong.

man whoreManwhore sent me a few texts and then told me that he would be back down here in about a week.  He asked if I wanted to come see him while he’s back in town.  I was in shock.  Has he really started cheating on her this soon after getting married?  And if so, then why?  Instead of wondering, I asked him.  He said that he hasn’t cheated on her.  This confused me even more.  Why would he take that step into adultery with me of all people?  His answer?

I’ve just always at some point seen you and we ended up fucking.

How’s that for disturbing?  After all this time, and all my progress in trying to move on and get past that chapter in my life, he still thinks he can just pop up and I’ll come running to fuck him.  Well, surprise, surprise…I’m not that weak “girl-in-love” anymore.  I answered:

“It’s taken me a long time to get over you.  I think it would be counter productive for me to come and fuck you now.”

I know it’s probably not the anger-filled reply that you might have expected, but I was trying to take the high road and be as polite as possible about it.  There’s no need for me to stoop to his level anymore.  I have overcome!  This is real progress folks!

The next man to pop back up was my second ex-husband, The Ox.  I know I haven’t told you much about him, and I plan to rectify that very soon, but here’s what happened this week.  I was at work Wednesday and got a text from The Ox.  That isn’t unusual.  We still text each other occasionally, and I still consider him a friend.   However, this text was different.

“Would you wanna get back together?”

Keep in mind that The Ox and I have been divorced for almost five years now.  We were only together a total of four years.  Even though I loved him, I have to admit that it was a doomed relationship.  When I got that text from him, I didn’t know if he was joking with me or being serious.  He has a tendency to be very sarcastic and never very serious about anything.  So I asked him if he was being serious.  He said that this time he was.  I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and that some things are best left alone.  Again, I tried to be as nice as possible with my rejection text.

Why?! Why would anyone want this?!

Why?! Why would anyone want this?!

Maybe the universe is just playing some sick joke on me.  It can’t be normal for men to keep going back to a woman from their past like this.  Is it?  I sometimes wonder if I radiate some kind of vibes, or pheromones, or something, and I don’t realize it.  There has to be an explanation for it.  Maybe it’s just the power of the pussy that keeps them coming back for more.  That sounds conceited, I know, but don’t forget…I’m the Cock Master.  😉

Happy humping!

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Old Habits Die Hard

*This is probably the tenth version of this post.  I keep starting and then stuff keeps happening. LOL

Well, I did it.  I finished reading my first book in fifteen years.  And that book is Fifty Shades of Grey.  Sad isn’t it?  The ending just pissed me off.  Then my sister told me that I had to read the second book for it all to make sense.  So I started reading Fifty Shades Darker and was somewhat appeased, if only temporarily.

I got a few chapters in, and just got bored with it all over again.  I do declare though, that I will finish these damned books if it’s the last thing I do.

Moving on.

Damn it all to hell!  I’m so frustrated with myself and with men.*  It’s my fault.  Maybe the monogamy thing isn’t for me after all.  I don’t say that because I’ve recently cheated on anyone.  In fact, I made it a point to tell the person I’ve been seeing that monogamy is very difficult for me and that I probably wouldn’t be able to do it given my history with men and relationships.  Actually why I told him that was because I still had high hopes that I would still get to see “the one I really want” occasionally.  That hasn’t happened though, so I’ve been forced to move on.

It is even more difficult for me to stay monogamous when I’m not in love with the person who I’m seeing.  When I’m with someone I am in love with then I rarely feel the need to check out how much greener the grass is on the other side of that imaginary fence.  Since there is no fence, and all the grass around here seems to be dead, I’m just going to graze wherever the hell I want.

*I noticed earlier in the week that Endymion had removed me from his friends on Facebook.  I sent him a message asking it he was upset with me.  His reply?  “I’m not anything with you. You might as well live in China.”  That made me a little sad to think that I had probably hurt his feelings by not coming to visit him since I moved.  He does know of at least one time that I’ve been back to New Orleans since then, but I didn’t tell him it was to visit my “friend.”  It’s probably a good thing that he unfriended me though.  I seriously doubt I’ll ever move back to N.O. and while it was fun, that chapter is over.

To hell with monogamy

Since I’ve been thinking about monogamy a lot lately, it seems only fitting that I finally gave in and agreed to meet the Golfer for lunch after four years of his messaging me.  When I first met him back in 2008 I was freshly divorced, but he was married so we didn’t do a lot other than making out.  I guess the guilt of cheating on my ex-husband made me more inclined to not help someone else become a cheater.  So I quickly put an end to our little affair.

He is a persistent man though, and I suppose he just finally caught me in the right mood and I gave in.  I met him for lunch last Monday.  I still hadn’t planned on doing anything with him, but things happen.  Hormones kick in.  Lust takes over.  You know the rest.  What I remember most was how he kept saying he was being Continue reading