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Setting Precedent: The Follow-up

In my last post I told you about Buck cheating on me and lying to me.  I am far from over this, but for now I did allow him to come back to the apartment.  We had a long talk yesterday.  I reminded him of the rules that are in place so as to make the “open marriage” concept work for us.  Obviously it wasn’t working for him.  He had it so easy.  All he had to do was be honest with me and not lie and hide things from me.  He realizes that now, but it’s too late.  I’m not sure I can recover from this betrayal.

He told me that he can’t stop and won’t stop being with other people.  I knew that already, but I thought with the rules we had agreed upon that it would not be that big of a problem.  So, now I realize that it’s not just that he wants to be with other people, it’s that he wants to be sneaky and for it to be taboo.  He doesn’t enjoy it as much if I know what he’s doing.  I understand that there is an element of excitement to cheating, but the price you pay is never worth it.  Unfortunately for me, I’m probably going to be the one who pays the greatest price with my health.  He doesn’t use protection and doesn’t seem to understand that you can still get an STD from performing oral on someone.  I told him it’s only a matter of time before it all comes to a crashing halt, and I’m not willing to just ignore his idiotic behavior anymore.

He has no respect for me, and he sure as hell doesn’t care about my feelings or needs.  So I’m guessing that this marriage (number three for me) will probably end much sooner than “till death do us part.”  I swear to God and Jesus and Bruno Mars that I will never ever get married again, not even for the health insurance.  I’d rather die of a wonky heart than have to put up with this shit any more.

Dumb ass.  Just like my sister Fallen Angel says, men are all dumb ass motherfuckers who are selfish pricks.  They can’t be trusted with anything, especially their own cocks.

One more thing.  I owe an apology to my friends in Mississippi.  They tried to warn me about Buck.  They didn’t like him and I just thought it was because I was moving away with him.  I was so wrong.  They were right.  Buck is a lazy, selfish, cheating, lying, son-of-a-bitch.  Damn, I have horrible taste in men.  WTF is wrong with me?

 

Setting Precedent

I am setting a precedent right now on how fights will go in my marriage.  Even though we are in an open marriage, we still have rules to follow.  One rule is that there is to be no lying or hiding things.  If he were to go spend the night with someone and not tell me, or worse yet, lie about where he was, then we would have a huge problem.  Transparency is key to an open marriage.

So he actually did what I described above.  He lied to my face and he hid being with another person from me.  Two rules immediately broken.  The last thing he did, once outed, was to not apologize immediately.  So I told him to leave the apartment and go stay elsewhere.  He asked for how long and I told him I didn’t know.  He’s texting me, but I haven’t replied.

He’s just going to have to ride this one out.

Life goes on, man.

thedudeSo, I’m still alive.  After my last post I had to wait a few more weeks before I could see the cardiologist.  The only problem was that I still didn’t have health insurance and I knew the follow-up visit with the cardiologist and any further testing was just going to put me further in debt.  I had checked into “Obama care” but it was outside of the enrollment period so I was running out of options.  However, if you have a “qualifying life event”, such as a marriage, you can enroll outside of the enrollment period.  So that’s exactly what I did.  I asked Buck if he would go ahead and marry me so that I could get the health insurance.  Very romantic isn’t it?

When I called the Preacher to tell him, I hesitated because this is marriage number three for me and I was afraid he would think I was making anther mistake.  However, when I was telling him about the insurance and how I had to have a “qualifying life event” such as a marriage, he immediately asked, “So when’s the wedding?”  Oh, Daddy.  You’re such a softy.  He knows me so well, and at this point in our lives he doesn’t even bother to question my motives or actions.  I do love that Preacher Daddy of mine.

weddingpicAnyway, because Buck didn’t want me to die and because we were eventually going to get married anyway (I assumed), he agreed and on June 11, 2016, I became a married woman, again.  We planned on going to the courthouse and having a quickie wedding, but his mother wouldn’t allow it.  We ended up having a nice little, and I do mean little, wedding on the back deck of her house.  There were a dozen people there and that included the bride and groom.  My family couldn’t make it due to the short notice, so it was mostly Buck’s family.  My boss lady did come to support me though.  She’s a sweetie.  She even made me a gorgeous bouquet to match my dress.  Speaking of my dress, it wasn’t an actual wedding dress.  It was a white 50’s style dress with a pretty print of cherries and little yellow flowers that I found on Amazon.com for a whopping $25.   I wore red shoes to give it that extra little pop. 🙂

this-is-your-ordinationSo after the wedding there was no honeymoon, just a super short reception and then back home to hang out with our Dude and our Red-Headed Step-Child.  Our Dude is literally our “dude” (you know, the guy you buy your herbs from).  He also is an ordained priest in the Church of the Latter-Day Dude.  (I HIGHLY recommend having your Dude perform your wedding ceremony.)  Our Red-Headed Step-Child is our friend who is a manager of a clothing store by day, and a Drag Queen by night.  She’s Buck’s friend who originally thought I was a crazy stalker luring him to Mississippi to show him my nonexistent shrine to him and then steal his kidney.  Needless to say, they are two of my favorite people.

Now that we’re married it’s time to get back to me…my heart I mean.  I went to the doctor and she told me that I needed to have a heart cath in order for them to find out for certain whether I had any blockages in my heart.  I had that done last Thursday.  They put a tiny tube in a vein in my right wrist and then up to my heart.  I was somewhat medicated so I don’t remember it all, but I assume they shot some dye in, looked around, and saw that there were no blockages.  However, while they were poking around, my heart decided to do it’s crazy arrhythmia thing and they had to give me a shot of something to get it back to normal, temporarily.

So now my wrist is all bruised up and it’s sore, but I’ll live, I hope.  I have a follow-up visit with the doctor on Friday to find out what they are going to do about my wonky heartbeat.  It’s not supposed to be life threatening really, but it’s bad enough to cause me to have lots of chest pain and make me weak and tired all the time.  I’m hoping they are just going to go back in and stick a pacemaker in me and get it over with.

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I may work in a Beauty School, but I am no Beauty School Drop Out. Also, I think this should be my Halloween Costume this year. 🙂

Until then I’m keeping my nitroglycerin pills handy and trying to keep my stress levels low.  That is easier said than done of course.  My job is insane and my co-workers are equally insane and the students like to test my patience and sanity.  I will get through this though, just like everything else.  Even though I may hit bottom, many times, I always make my way back up to the surface long enough to catch my breath.

Until next time…

Peace, love, & happiness.

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She died of a wonky heart

mended_heart-10668Today is May 23, 2016.  Three weeks ago I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a bad ulcer.  I had a sharp pain in the middle of my chest that went all the way through to my back.  After an ultrasound and an EKG I was moved up to the ICU.  When I finally saw the doctor he told me that I had a minor heart attack and I have a left bundle branch block.  The technical definition is a condition in which there’s a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. Basically that means that my heart is wonky and doesn’t beat right.  So, I survived my first heart attack. Now what?  Well, I have to go see a cardiologist next week to find out if I will have to have a pacemaker installed.  “Installed” probably isn’t the correct word to use.  It makes me sound like a cyborg.

Anyway, all this has, not surprisingly, opened my eyes to my mortality.  I’m only 41, but I guess all my years of drinking, smoking, stressing, eating good southern fried foods, and generally living like there’s no tomorrow, has finally caught up with me.  To put things into perspective, I actually went online last week and created my last will and testament.  Not that I have that much to leave anyone when I die, but what I do have I want to go to the right people.  Even after being in the hospital for a couple of days and having all kinds of tests run, I still wasn’t too worried about all this.  I even went right back to work. Gotta make that money y’all.

However, a week ago I had just went to bed and as I was just about to drift off to sleep I had this horrible feeling of falling into complete and utter darkness.  It was terrifying and not like anything I had ever felt before.  It took a few seconds but I knew I had to wake up and when I did it was with a gasp that scared me even more.  Maybe my heart stopped beating for a few seconds or maybe it was just a bad dream, but either way it scared the hell out of me.  It was so vivid and real that I wasn’t sure what to think of it.

Of course I have to think that if that is what dying feels like then it’s terrifying and I don’t really want it to happen. Or at least if it happens I hope I’m already asleep and don’t realize it’s happening.  I know I don’t really have much choice in the matter so I’m doing my best to not think about it.

I know I haven’t posted to this blog since January and that’s probably because when I’m happy I don’t have as much to bitch about. 😉  And I have been very happy here in Tennessee with Buck.  I found a great job that I’ve had for almost a year now, and even though it’s probably one of the most stressful jobs I’ve ever had, I still enjoy it.  Buck makes me laugh daily and I know he loves me very much.  We’re even planning on getting married in about a month. That’s something I never thought I’d do again, but I think he’s worth it.

So that’s all for now.  I hope I’ll be able to write again soon and to keep writing.  Writing on this blog has been my therapy and a joy for me for the past five years.  I appreciate all the wonderful and supportive and funny comments my readers have left me.  I hope I have many more years of writing left in me because my story is far from finished.

Love always,

Ginger

Office Space Jam

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So I started a new job six weeks ago.  I quit three weeks ago.  I totally hated it and was about to have a nervous breakdown.  It’s not really something I wanted to do, or am comfortable doing, but I was going to do it anyway because it was a decent job with decent pay.  I’m actually kind of missing my old job, but it’s too late to change all of that now.  The job was working at a huge call center in collections.  Not something I was overjoyed about to begin with.

The job was in a huge corporate office and that’s definitely an environment I’m not used to being in.  I’ve worked for large companies before, but nothing quite like that.  That place has strict rules and procedures.  I have no problem with all that, as long as it doesn’t make me feel like a drone, which I started to think I’d end up as at that place.

Cube-iquette1Don’t get me wrong, the benefits were good and the pay was not bad.  However, it just wasn’t the place for me.  The people were friendly in a weird brainwashed kind of way, but I noticed some very odd, almost childish, behavior patterns.  Stupidity and childishness in the workplace tends to irritate the shit out of me.  Honestly, I was just trying to hold out as long as possible or at least until I could find something that I’m better suited to doing.

So, now that I’m unemployed I’ve had to start job hunting again.  I hate job hunting.  I’ve been on a few interviews, but so far no luck.  The last interview that I had was today.  It was an online video conference interview with a woman at an employment agency.  The interview went great, but I noticed towards the end of the interview that there was a man behind her.  He had turned around in his chair and was watching her computer screen and me I suppose.  He looked very interested in what he was watching, so I’m hoping that he was not just ogling me and instead maybe he was her supervisor or something.  I still found it a bit odd.

Being my first online video interview I was already a bit freaked out by the whole thing.  I’ve successfully avoided having a laptop with a webcam for the past forty years, but a few weeks ago my old laptop was about to die and Buck bought me a new one, and it has a built-in camera & microphone.  I absolutely hate being on camera and video.  I’m too self-conscious and shy.  Don’t laugh.  It’s true. 😉  I suppose I’ll have to get used to it though because evidently that’s how people do business and stuff these days.  Damn, I’m getting old.  OK, now you can laugh.

One last thing that I have to complain about…the weather here.  I’ve been in Tennessee for two and a half months already and my nose has yet to thaw out and I can’t stop shivering.  Thankfully the snow has melted, but it’s still too damn cold here.  I do miss that Mississippi sunshine.  That’s all.  Thanks for tolerating my moaning and complaining.

Also, since I’m unemployed and broke now, if you feel like looking to the right of this page and clicking on the donate button, it would be most appreciated.  All I need is a dollar…or two…or twenty.  A girl’s gotta eat you know.  Plus I’m not quite ready to hit the corner and start turning tricks. 😉

As always…

Peace, love, & happiness.

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