Today is May 23, 2016. Three weeks ago I went to the emergency room because I thought I had a bad ulcer. I had a sharp pain in the middle of my chest that went all the way through to my back. After an ultrasound and an EKG I was moved up to the ICU. When I finally saw the doctor he told me that I had a minor heart attack and I have a left bundle branch block. The technical definition is a condition in which there’s a delay or obstruction along the pathway that electrical impulses travel to make your heart beat. Basically that means that my heart is wonky and doesn’t beat right. So, I survived my first heart attack. Now what? Well, I have to go see a cardiologist next week to find out if I will have to have a pacemaker installed. “Installed” probably isn’t the correct word to use. It makes me sound like a cyborg.
Anyway, all this has, not surprisingly, opened my eyes to my mortality. I’m only 41, but I guess all my years of drinking, smoking, stressing, eating good southern fried foods, and generally living like there’s no tomorrow, has finally caught up with me. To put things into perspective, I actually went online last week and created my last will and testament. Not that I have that much to leave anyone when I die, but what I do have I want to go to the right people. Even after being in the hospital for a couple of days and having all kinds of tests run, I still wasn’t too worried about all this. I even went right back to work. Gotta make that money y’all.
However, a week ago I had just went to bed and as I was just about to drift off to sleep I had this horrible feeling of falling into complete and utter darkness. It was terrifying and not like anything I had ever felt before. It took a few seconds but I knew I had to wake up and when I did it was with a gasp that scared me even more. Maybe my heart stopped beating for a few seconds or maybe it was just a bad dream, but either way it scared the hell out of me. It was so vivid and real that I wasn’t sure what to think of it.
Of course I have to think that if that is what dying feels like then it’s terrifying and I don’t really want it to happen. Or at least if it happens I hope I’m already asleep and don’t realize it’s happening. I know I don’t really have much choice in the matter so I’m doing my best to not think about it.
I know I haven’t posted to this blog since January and that’s probably because when I’m happy I don’t have as much to bitch about. 😉 And I have been very happy here in Tennessee with Buck. I found a great job that I’ve had for almost a year now, and even though it’s probably one of the most stressful jobs I’ve ever had, I still enjoy it. Buck makes me laugh daily and I know he loves me very much. We’re even planning on getting married in about a month. That’s something I never thought I’d do again, but I think he’s worth it.
So that’s all for now. I hope I’ll be able to write again soon and to keep writing. Writing on this blog has been my therapy and a joy for me for the past five years. I appreciate all the wonderful and supportive and funny comments my readers have left me. I hope I have many more years of writing left in me because my story is far from finished.