Archive | May 2014

Adventures in Wholesale

I’ve started a new section called “Quotes from Fallen Angel” because my sister sent me the following story tonight and I told her she deserved her own section on my blog.  So here it is!  Enjoy!

At work the other night Friend Cashier said that Bitch Cashier said she’s called.  I asked “Called what?!”  (Bitch Cashier really is a bitch by the way.)

“To preach!” replied Friend Cashier.

I snorted and said, “Well, I was called to be a pole dancer, but it didn’t work out.”

Five minutes later the hysterical laughter ended and we went back to work.

That is courtesy of Fallen Angel, my funny as hell sister.

To see more of her quotes, please click on the link on the menu at the top of the page.  Also, I have added a donate button on the right side of the blog.  If you would like to help support the plight of the Preacher’s Daughters please do so.  There is no minimum amount required.

Poor Little Bubba needs some financial security and 25% of all donations will go towards his education.  We want him to be one of the smart successful ones in the family one day.  Another 25% will go to our little brother The Tornado‘s education.  The other half will go towards buying sex toys for me and gas for Fallen Angel’s monster truck.  LOL  Just kidding.  I don’t use sex toys. 😉

A Stalker of My Own

Remember what I said in my last post about wanting to notice the little things more?  Well, this proves I have a long way to go, but I’m getting there.

Mississippi-Natchez-Trace-Parkway-fall-foliageIt was the fall of 2012.  I was living in Bumfuck, Mississippi.  Boredom had set in once again and I took to the internet for entertainment.  It was a little website called Plenty of Fish.  I started talking to Woody.  At first he reminded me of Art, but as we talked I realized that he was more of a country version of Art.  He was artsy and cool, but he is also a very tall handsome former marine who likes to hunt & fish.

We talked for a while, but it never worked out so that we could meet.  He lived an hour and a half from Bumfuck, so it was difficult to work it out.  Then, of course, I met Teacher and then my car died.  So that was pretty much the end of that.

Fast forward a year and a half or so to about a month ago.

I’m newly single, back on the dating websites, and thinking back.  Thinking back to a guy I used to talk to who seemed very cool, Woody.  I checked my phone to see if I still had his number.  I didn’t have it anymore.  I checked POF to see if his profile was still up.  It wasn’t.  So my search ended there.

Anyway, I decided to go back on Plenty of Fish a couple of weeks ago and while perusing the profiles I saw one that had viewed my profile and even though it didn’t have a picture, I decided to read it.  It was hilarious in a very sarcastic funny kind of way, so I added the profile as a favorite thinking that maybe I’d send it to my sister later.

Just over a week ago I went to the local watering hole to hear Teacher sing and play, and to just have some drinks with friends.  Most of the night I sat out on the patio with my friend DC.  She’s a very talented artist who has a studio here in town.  While she and I were on the patio talking, a man walked up and asked me if he could borrow my lighter.  I let him use mine, then he handed it back.  Before he walked off he sort of paused and smiled.  I didn’t think much of it other than “damn, he’s cute.”  But DC and I were talking so I just continued with our conversation after he left.

Tonight I was looking at POF again and I got a message.

“Hey its me Woody. What da heck happened with you and Teacher?  It was hard not to talk to you at that Thursday gig. I borrowed your lighter though.  It’s me Woody. We talked on here a while back. Then I ran into you at an outdoor gig in town. I was handing out [local arts magazine].”

Um, what?  I remembered the cute guy asking to borrow my lighter.  I remembered the guy at the gig in town last summer.  I remembered the name Woody.  I didn’t understand though.  If we had talked in the past, why didn’t he just introduce himself?  So I asked him.

He said that he thought I was with Teacher and he was trying to be respectful.

I immediately looked him up on Facebook.  LOL  I started looking through his profile and started noticing things.  Such as, he was at several other events that I had also attended.  He’s in a lot of the same Facebook groups that I’m in.  He is friends with Teacher and a few other people that I know.  Evidently from what he told me and from what I found out on Facebook, he’s been lurking around for about a year now, never introducing himself to me because of Teacher.  Once he saw me on POF again, he figured it was safe to message me again.  I’m so glad he did.

It one thing to have a stalker who is threatening or weird, but to have one who is courteous and polite and respectful is not such a bad thing.  It’s kind of flattering.

So we talked some more tonight and he said he’s going out of town for the weekend, but he wants to hang out as soon as he gets back.  I confess I’m a little giddy.  The whole thing is a little surreal, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a lot of fun. 🙂

Happy humping!

me_128_bigger

Weed, the Ugly Stick, and the Private Dick

In my efforts to become a more self-aware wonderful human being, I have been making a conscious effort to notice more things.  Especially the small things.  Since my breakup with Teacher was supposedly, and probably, due in part to my being a very unobservant person.  So I’ve decided to work on that.

herb roomWhile embarking on this journey of self-awareness I decided to take up smoking on a more frequent basis.  Well, that and I scored some, finally.  So if you’re wondering why this post is a little off, there’s your sign.

Moving on.

In one of my many nights alone here in my apartment, as I partook (that’s a funny word), my mouse kept clicking on different links in Facebook.  It was like a treasure hunt that I didn’t know I was on.  I would look at one person’s photo and would notice who had “liked” that photo.  Then I noticed that one person in particular was liking an awful lot of someone’s posts, pics, etc.  One thing led to the next and before long I had realized something I had already suspected.  Teacher has a girlfriend.

I think it’s obvious to those who have been reading my blog for a long time that I have a gift for performing my own investigations on people in my life.  Computers and the internet are a girl’s best friend when it comes to checking up on boyfriends, husbands, potential baby daddys, etc.  It truly is a beautiful thing, and mostly to blame why I’m the geeky girl that I am…and the slut that I am…and the stalker that I can be.

So Teacher’s girlfriend.  Yeah, umm.  She’s ugly.  Butt ass ugly.  Beat with the ugly stick ugly.  I know it’s not nice of me to say that, but it’s my blog and I have to tell the truth.  It’s not like I’m going to say that to her face.  I’m not totally evil.  However, I did tell Teacher today via text message that I was happy for him and that I thought she was more suitable for him.  Yes, I know that the words were nearly dripping between the lines.  He didn’t seem to notice though.  Again, he’s an idiot for so many reasons.

I’m very happy for Teacher.  I suspect that this relationship may not be that new.  He may not have fucked her while he and I were together, but something could have definitely been in the works so to speak.  Like Fallen Angel once told me about the Preacher, an emotional affair is still an affair.

It’s all good though.  Since I’m in an honest mood, I’m just going to go ahead and give y’all a big ole confession tonight.  I cheated on Teacher, once.  It was after he had been sleeping on the couch for what seemed forever, and he was never home, and I was lonely.  I’m not proud of that, but I had my reasons for doing it, and in the end it all worked out anyway.  He dumped me and I no longer have to beg for sex or be made to feel like a cheap drunk whore.

That seems to be a recurring theme in my relationships.  If I’m not happy or unsatisfied, I cheat and then the relationship ends without the other person even knowing I cheated.  It’s just a personal “end the relationship” catalyst.

I’m a joker, I’m a smoker
I’m a midnight toker
I get my lovin’ on the run

Happy humping!

me_128_bigger

Don’t judge a book by its cover

mississippi-state-flower-magnoliaSpring has definitely sprung.  The flowers are blooming, the scent of honeysuckle is in the air, and men everywhere are sending naked pictures of themselves to the Preacher’s Daughters.  Yes, the warm breezes and flowery aromas must be making the men lustful and downright stupid.

In other news, a friend picked me up from work last Friday.  Instead of waiting outside like I thought he was going to do, he came into the office and started looking for me.  He just walked right on in.  When he got to my side of the building my supervisor saw him and asked if she could help him.  He told her he was looking for me.  Before she could answer I walked out of my cubicle.  I hadn’t heard him, so when I saw him I was mortified.  As soon as he saw me, he told her, “I’m looking for my Ginger.  I’ve lost my Ginger.”  Oh, my, God.  I quickly shooed him out of the office and we left.

Today as my friend from work, Hot Mama, drove me home, she said, “I have to tell you something.”  She proceeded to tell me that after I left work Friday, all the women in the office came over to her desk and started asking all sorts of questions about me and my “friend.”  I couldn’t help but laugh because I had no idea they would be so interested in my private life.  LOL

59b66a5c95db0f51bce2e3303c5976ccShe said that they wanted to know who the guy was because he was cute and they didn’t know I was seeing anyone.  Evidently they have all been worried that I would quit and/or move away since Teacher broke up with me, I have no family here, and very few friends.  She told them that I had no plans on moving anywhere.  Then they asked why I didn’t want to be close to my family.  Again she explained that I love my family, but can’t live that close to them.  I like my freedom.

The funniest part was when she said that they had no idea that I was seeing someone.  They thought that I was still heartbroken over Teacher.  She frankly told them (this part really made me laugh) that they shouldn’t be fooled by my quiet and shy demeanor.  Then she told them that they shouldn’t worry about me because I’m seeing a few people.  Hot Mama said, “I hope you’re not mad at me for telling them that.”  I told her that I thought it was hilarious.  I wasn’t mad at all.  All those women think I’m such a quiet little mouse.  I only wish I could have seen their faces when she told them.

Now for the sad part.  Hot Mama turned in her two-week notice on Monday. 😦  I’m really going to miss her.  She was my smoking buddy at first, then she became my friend.  I’m happy for her that she’s moving on to a job that she will enjoy much more, but it’s going to be very strange not having anyone at all to talk to at work, and outside of work.  I know other people here in town, but no one that I can really talk to who actually understand me.  So, yeah.  I’m going to miss her.

On a happier note, I ordered saddlebags & new pink handlebar grips for my pink bike, so I should be road ready by Friday!

Happy humping (and riding)!

me_128_bigger

Viagra: The Great Deceiver

thingThing was a former body builder in his late forties.  His hobbies included going to the gym daily, eating 8,000 calories a day, working, and playing with firearms.  His arms were huge by the way, and his ass was hard as a rock.  Just picture the Thing, but without all the weird rock skin.

His personality wasn’t as satisfying though.  He was not what I’d call exciting by any means.  He was nice and somewhat talkative, but that was about it.  On our first date we drank several beers at his house while he cooked dinner.  Actually I think he went through a full case, but he is a big guy.  The date started early in the afternoon.  We went out to the woods and he let me shoot his .22 (that’s a hand gun 😉 ) for a while.  I killed an empty beer box, so that was fun.  Then we went back to his house.  By the time we got to 5 o’cock he started making his move.

I was fairly tipsy by then so I just went with the flow.  Actually I kind of attacked him…in a good way of course.  My hormones had been in overdrive and he seemed like a good outlet.  We made out for about ten minutes in his kitchen and I finally just asked him if he wanted to go to the bedroom.

Once we got to the bedroom he stripped me down, then he stripped down and I got to see him in all his musclebound glory.  Unfortunately the muscles were the only impressive things about him.  He was ok though.  We had sex, then I fell asleep.  About an hour later I woke up to him pulling the covers off of me and getting ready for another go.  Afterwards, I fell asleep again.  Another hour later, yep, you guessed it, he was back for round three.

After round three I thought surely he’d let me get more than an hour of sleep.  He did.  He waited two hours until wanting round four.  By then I was exhausted.  I managed to get another couple of hours of sleep before rounds five and six.Viagra-Ring-Results

As I lay there after round six, I couldn’t help but wonder, WTF dude?  He’s almost fifty years old and just came six times in less than 12 hours.  I was so tired that Viagra hadn’t even crossed my mind.  I was tired and sore and couldn’t think straight, so I slept.

He took me home the next morning.  He had to take his mom to church.  It was Easter Sunday, the day that I have chosen over the years to celebrate my debauchery at it’s finest.

Five days later he came over to my place.  We didn’t waste much time getting into the bedroom.  Naturally I thought it would be like last time.  Not that I wanted another sex marathon, but one good time would have sufficed.  That didn’t happen.  He came within three minutes.  I, however, didn’t, at all.

He headed to the bathroom after he finished, so while he was in there I got dressed.  I tried to lead him back to the living room and towards the door because at that point I just wanted him to leave.  He did.

So, after consulting my sister on the matter, we decided that Viagra, or the lack thereof, must have been to blame for that second “date” disaster.  Shame on you makers of Viagra.  You got my hopes up and then sent them crashing back down.

Happy humping, and humping, and humping, and humping!

me_128_bigger