My sister, Fallen Angel, suggested that I write this post, since lately we’ve both been fooled by men. Her tagline to the title was “Almost but not quite extinct.”
I told you in my earlier post, Welcome Back to the She-Woman Man-Haters Club, that her boyfriend, WR, had been caught being a two-timing bastard. Unfortunately, as we suspected, his story about just helping that girl out turned out to be a lie. He finally admitted to her being his live-in girlfriend. He tried to weave another story about how he was trying to break up with her, but he had helped her get a car in his name, and he was afraid to kick her out because he can’t afford the payments on his own. There are so many things wrong with that story, true as it may be. So, he’s not only a liar, he’s stupid too. Men will do stupid things for pussy.
I know I’ve had my share of fucked up relationships, but I really did think that Teacher was one of the good ones. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s been very easy for me to replace my heartache with anger. That’s probably because of my confusion. I still don’t fully understand why he would just dump me, even though he claims it was because my depression was bringing him down. Was I really that depressed? Why was he not willing to try to work things out once we both realized that I was completely oblivious to his so-called attempts at affection? We could have communicated better. We probably could have saved the relationship.
Unless, that is, he had already made up his mind that he didn’t love me and he could do better than me. If he didn’t love me then I really was fooled by him. He never gave me any reason to suspect that he was the type to cheat, and he didn’t even give me any reason to ever be jealous. If anything, he made me feel unloved and unwanted by not spending time with me other than sitting on the couch. He never asked me to go anywhere other than his gigs, and even those he stopped asking me to go to.
There were times, mostly gigs during the week, that I told him I couldn’t go to because I just couldn’t be out until 2:00 am when I had to work the next day. I have a good job and I am trying to keep it. The last thing I needed was to go in to work tired and hung over. Maybe he felt that I wasn’t supporting him because I wasn’t going to all of his gigs like I used to, but when I was going to all of them, I wasn’t working a full-time job like I am now.
I’m not trying to win him back. Understanding is all I want. I’ve already gone past being able to trust him enough to allow him back into my life and my bed. I’d rather have a stranger in my bed than someone who has proven themselves to be selfish, uncaring, and untrustworthy. I’d rather have no one in my heart and my bed than I’d have Teacher back in my life. I may have had many men in my bed and my life, but very few have actually worked their way into my heart and soul like he did. I would have stuck by him through almost anything. In fact I did. When he told me he was being sued by his ex-girlfriend’s husband, I didn’t flinch. When he didn’t want me to get a car because of his enormous student loans, I held my tongue and dealt with it. When he told me that he had never hidden his profile on Plenty of Fish because he used it to make connections for his music and gigs, I stupidly trusted that he was telling me the truth.
Some things are just unforgivable, and breaking my heart is one of those things.
I promise I’ll get back to telling stories about sex and debauchery soon, but for now I just need to vent.