Something’s got a hold on me

Soul_Rebels__36I had my date with Teacher last Friday night.  We went to dinner and then to a local club to hear a brass band from New Orleans.  Before they came on though, we had to endure a trio of trucker types playing original songs about bailing the wife out of jail and other stuff that I couldn’t even make out.  The brass band was awesome though.  However, we didn’t stay very long because I had to work Saturday, and I also couldn’t keep myself from being naughty and flirtatious and just wanting to hurry back to the hotel room.

In other news, I really need to change my phone number again.  My phone was vibrating non-stop that night.  I don’t usually want to just completely cut off contact with everyone, but for some reason I’m finding it all too distracting and annoying.  Right now, the only thing I want to concentrate on is being with Teacher.  That means that I don’t need Manwhore, EB, Endymion, and the Ox texting me all night while I’m trying to spend quality time with a really great guy.

I know what my problem is…I’m too nice.  Not all the time, but a lot of the time.  Of course I have my evil bitch moments, but overall I’m very nice.  That can cause problems when it comes to relationships that have ended, since some guys think they can just keep popping up whenever they feel like it.  That’s really getting old, and I’m getting tired of constantly deleting texts from guys I don’t want to talk to anymore.  I’m thinking a fresh start may be in order.  Kill the weeds so the new flowers can grow.

I know I tend to jump into things too quick when it comes to relationships, but I’d like to think I’ve grown and learned a lot over the last few years.  I’d also like to think that my taste in men has improved.  Luck or fate may have more to do with it though, and I think fate has finally smiled on me.  Of course it’s good to be cautious when first seeing someone, but being overly cautious can be bad.  I don’t want to live my life afraid of taking chances or giving things/people a chance.

My sister loves to remind me of the things I’ve said in the past about men I’ve dated.  I was talking to her last week and said something about how great Teacher is and how gentlemanly he is.  She was quick to remind me that when I started dating Skaterboi I said that he treated me like a princess.  We all know how that turned out.  He was hardly a prince and treated me nowhere near like a princess toward the end of the relationship.  But that’s just one relationship and one asshole.  Not all men are like that.

If I’m being completely honest, even the ones that turned out to be assholes were always assholes.  I just didn’t want to admit it in the beginning.  I knew those relationships probably weren’t going to work out, but I had ulterior motives.  Usually involving getting away from my family, great sex, or wanting to feel normal.  Well, fuck normal.  I just want to be with the right person for me.  And by that I mean someone who I have a lot in common with, can be myself with, not have to hide anything from, and just be happy in life’s little moments.  Who knows…maybe Teacher is that man.

I don’t want to be presumptuous, but he does do things to me that most men don’t.  No, I’m not talking just about sex.  Although the sex is awesome.  I’m talking about how he makes me feel and how I feel about him.  Like I said earlier, I don’t even want to hear from or talk to anyone else.  They are just too much of a distraction, when all I really want to do is focus on Teacher.  My interest in other men has disappeared, and that’s odd for me.  I only get that way when I really like someone.

If I look back to the times when I was a “cheater” I can see that it was usually because of one reason.  I wasn’t that into the guy I was with and allowed my sex drive to take over instead of my morals.  I allowed myself to become what I hate most.  I also knew that the ending of the relationship was inevitable and figured I could just hurry it along by cheating.  Of course that’s not the best way of going about it, but it worked.

I don’t seem to have to worry about any of that with Teacher though.  I can’t get rid of the pop-ups and lurkers fast enough.  Speaking of fast enough…I’m trying to contain myself and not move too fast even though everything in me is telling me to just let go and let it fly.  There’s a constant battle raging inside me, going back and forth between wanting to be the free spirit wanting to love and be loved, and the morally uptight prude who thinks I should hold back emotionally so that I won’t get hurt.  The latter is exhausting though.  It’s so much easier and less stressful to just let go and be with someone, not constantly thinking ahead and worrying about what might happen.  Sure, I could get hurt, again, but so what?  It happens.  Then I dust myself off and move on.

Oh, and one last thing.  Teacher knows about my blog, and he’s been reading it.  So far I think he’s up to August 2011.  The way I see it, if he makes it to the end and is still seeing me, then he’s a keeper for sure. 😉  Not all men can handle me and my crazy past and not be judgmental about it.  He seems to be the type that can though.

As always…

Happy humping!

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8 thoughts on “Something’s got a hold on me

  1. Enjoy it & live in the moment. He is not the past, nor is he aware of your past, only what you/your blog tells him. Focus on what/who you’re passionate about. If he makes you happy, I’m happy for you my friend.

  2. I agree with the 2 above comments and as far as your number, either go online and block their numbers or go ahead and change it. Sometimes it’s hard to move forward when your past is trying to pull you back. When I change cell companies in July when my contract is up, I’m thinking of changing my number. 10+ years worth of guys I don’t care for that still pop up on my phone once in a blue moon is fucking annoying.

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