Premature Jubilation

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“And it’s at this point in my story that the dark clouds part…” Laurie Bohner
Not so fast there Laurie…

As I said in my earlier post, it has rained men lately, but the forecast is still bleak.

After my disastrous date with Zoosk Guy on Saturday evening, I went on to meet up with Car Wash Dude as planned.  It took me about an hour to get there, but when I pulled up and saw the Escalade my inner gold-digger kicked in and I thought, “Surely this will be worth it.”

He told me to hop in and I did.  We sat and talked for an hour.  He was super smooth and nice, nothing like the asshole I had just left a couple of hours earlier.  If anyone was going to charm my pants off it would probably be this guy.

I do have to share one funny bit of info.  While we were talking he said something about me being a “snow bunny.”  I had no idea what that meant, so he explained, “That’s what us brothers call pretty white women like you.”  I had never heard that one before.

It was getting late and he asked where I was staying for the night.  I told him I was just going to head home.  He advised that I not do that because it was so late and I was already tired from driving four hours just to get there.  He even offered to get me a room for the night.  He said he’d rather do that than see me take a chance of falling asleep on the drive home.  Since he offered, and seemed sincere, I agreed.  (Yes, he had game, and I was falling for it, and yes, I knew it probably wouldn’t just be him getting me a room and saying goodnight & goodbye.  I’m not that naïve.)

So here’s what went down.  We went and got a room.  When we got in the room we sat and talked a bit more, but as I said, I was exhausted from all that driving and just wanted to lay down and rest.  He joined me and we just watched TV for a bit.  Up until this point I had not even kissed him.  He leaned over to kiss me and…it was awful.  His mouth was sort of just hanging open, and nothing was going on with his lips.  It was like I was doing all the work.  Hoping it was just a bad angle I turned to move into a better position.  We, and I use “we” loosely, continued kissing.  It got a little better as we went on.

I’m embarrassed to even confess to this, but somehow things got out of hand and, despite the bad kissing, we ended up having sex.  It was awful.  It was like he was trying to fuck a blow up doll.  He kept pushing my head to the side so that we could “kiss” but he still wasn’t really kissing me.  Then he told me to stick my tongue in his mouth.  Ok, so maybe he needed more tongue to get going on the kissing part.  Not exactly.  He just wanted me to stick my tongue in his mouth and keep it there.  It was awkward to say the least.  It also turned out to be quite uncomfortable.  You know how your mouth gets sore at the dentist’s office, after holding your mouth open for so long?  Yeah, it was like that.

To top it all off he went straight for the penetration.  No oral.  Nothing.  And then he pumped away, and away, and away…oh, for goodness sake!  Come already!  Ugh.  I found myself laying there thinking about anything except sex.  It was not fun, not pleasurable, not exciting.  It was just awkward and boring and unsatisfying.

The worst part was when it was over and he said, “I bet you ain’t never had it like that before.”  OMG I wanted to just bust out laughing, but I didn’t for fear of hurting his feelings.  I did slip up a little though and said, “So what’s with the tongue thing?”  He said, “Yeah, I need to stop that.”  I’m not sure what that even meant, but I definitely agree with him.

It was all so disappointing.  Sleeping like a log was the only thing that kept me safe for the rest of the night I think.  The next morning I got up early, took a shower, and then told him I needed to get on the road before it started storming.  Thankfully I did that because a few of hours after I got home, a huge tornado came barreling through the middle of the town (Hattiesburg, MS) that I have to drive through to go home.  (See video below.)

So I went from being excited about this really nice guy, to very disappointed based purely on the fact that we were not in any way sexually compatible.  More importantly though, I’m just glad I made it home in one piece, and that all my friends are all right too.

The Red Cross office in Hattiesburg was one of the many buildings destroyed by the tornado, so other organizations in town are trying to help out as much as possible.  If you would like to make a donation of money, food, or clothing to help those in Hattiesburg who have lost their homes and have had their lives destroyed, please check out the links below.  Many thanks in advance to my wonderful readers.

I know that telling you the name of a city that I’m close to is not exactly a good way to keep up my anonymity, but it’s for a good cause.  So let’s not get too curious, shall we?  Thanks. 😉

Happy (and safe) humping!

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