You may have wondered what’s been going on with me and Art lately. Join the club. I haven’t seen Art since we got back Monday evening. I have talked to him via text, but that’s all. He said he’s been busy this week and I also think that he’s a little upset with me.
On our trip last weekend I pulled up one of my posts on my phone so that he could read it. It had nothing incriminating in it so I figured it would be alright. He already knew that I wrote a blog, and I had already told him a lot about my past. While he was reading it he started clicking things. I got nervous and asked him what he was doing, but it was too late. So over the course of the weekend he read half of my blog. Then by Tuesday he told me that he had read it all. I was horrified. There were definitely things that I had not told him about that he could have potentially gotten upset about.
He is a nice, decent, seemingly non-judgmental kind of guy though so I figured it would be OK. He did tell me that we would definitely be chatting soon though. Of course that worried me. Then he said something about me misrepresenting myself. I’m still not sure what he meant by that. I asked if he meant to him or to my readers. He said to him in the beginning. Again, I’m not sure what he meant by that. I really would like to talk to him and find out, but I have no idea when I’ll get the chance now.
He did give me some constructive criticism about how I should write more about how I feel above the waist, and about the other issues that go along with being with so many people. Or as he put it, “Not just how much fun it is to fuck as many people as you can.” I thought that was a little harsh and unfair considering that’s not exactly what I’m trying to do. I am looking for someone to be with, not just to fuck. If I just wanted to fuck everyone then I probably wouldn’t be so unhappy, have so many guilt and morality issues, and I’d get laid a lot more often. Plus over the last few years I’ve had more long-term relationships than I ever used to have. When I find a guy that I like I tend to stick it out with him now. I’m not out whoring around every night of the week like some people (i.e. Manwhore). I just want to be happy with one person.
Shit, I didn’t even really try to fuck him when we were gone last weekend. I’ve tried so hard lately to keep my sex drive under control and have even turned Manwhore down repeatedly. Not that I want to fuck Manwhore, but just that I’m able to say no and mean it is a miracle in my book. I may just have to give celibacy another try. Sex only seems to complicate everything. Manwhore tries to entice me by saying, “it’s just sex,” but it’s not. If I’m going to have sex with anyone now I want it to mean something. I want a deeper connection. If I just want to get off I can do that myself.
Considering Art admitted to having his “Sherman through Atlanta” phase then I was especially shocked by his reaction. Since then he has been brushing me off, saying he’s been really busy, which may be true, but all I want is an hour to talk to him. I may be completely wrong about him being upset with me, but how am I supposed to know if he won’t talk to me about it?
I’ll admit I’ve gone back on POF occasionally out of boredom, but every time, after just a few hours, I hide my profile again. The thought of dating makes me nauseous, and the prospects out there are not appealing at all. I like Art way too much to even want to try to meet someone else now. At least not until I can find out what is going on with him. I know he’s still on POF too. I do wonder if maybe he has met someone else…someone not as colorful and neurotic as me. If he has and he doesn’t want to see me anymore, that’s fine, just tell me. It’s the not knowing that drives me crazy.