Change for the better

People always tell me, “Don’t change yourself for anyone.”  Why not?  Change is supposed to be good right?  More importantly, I know I need to makes some changes for the better.  So why not change myself for someone?  As long as I’m doing it for the right reasons it should be considered a good thing.  Right?

I understand what they mean when they say not to change for anyone.  I’m not that dense.  I just wanted to make that clear.  What if I were a drug addict and in order for someone to want to be with me I had to stop using drugs?  Then that would obviously be a good thing to change for someone.  Don’t worry.  I’m not a drug addict.  Sometimes an extreme example is what it takes to get a point across.

Everyone probably thinks it’s pretty clear that I am a borderline sex addict.  I’ve even questioned that lately though.  Maybe it’s not the sex that I’m addicted to or even really want.  Maybe it’s the attention, or the desire to be loved, or just the desire to be with someone who cares about me.

Things happen to us in our lives that shape who we are and nudge us in certain directions.  The things that have happened to me, the things I have learned, have turned me into what I affectionately call the “beautiful monster.”  I’m a nice, caring, loving, giving person, but inside I am full of dark secrets that most people in my life never know about.  I refuse to let those secrets tear me apart anymore.  I’m not about to announce to the world who I really am, or tell the people in my life everything about me.  I’m just not going to let my past rule my future.  It’s time to move on and make a better me.

When I found out about the Preacher’s indiscretions, it tore me apart.  I couldn’t believe that someone who I thought was infallible could actually be just as depraved as I am.  Maybe it just really hurt to learn that the saying “like father, like daughter”, really does have a lot of truth to it.  My point is that finding this out about him hardened my heart a little and caused me to give up some hope of ever finding a good man.  After all, if the Preacher couldn’t be trusted, then who could be?

These early morning posts are becoming more and more bizarre and way too insightful for my tastes, but maybe that’s a good thing.

I do have a couple of questions for you.  If you had the opportunity to share your true self with the world, including the people who know you, would you?  Why do we feel the need to keep secrets from the ones we care about?

2 thoughts on “Change for the better

  1. We say that we keep secrets to protect the ones we love & sometimes there is a certain truth to that. But most of the times we cover things up to protect ourselves from the ones we love. We don’t want their perception of us to change although we are changing before their very eyes.

    I have a few people in my life that I’ve exposed myself to and they’ve seen the good, the bad & the ugly. They are my closest friends & advisers. At some point someone has to see every side.

    I’m not an angel, angels don’t feel love like this.
    I’m not a saint, what little good I’ve done is never good enough.
    I am human, I’m flawed & incapable of being perfect. I have fallen many times & I am still cleaning my own wounds. I aspire to be a better man.

  2. I totally agree with you about changing.

    Almost 6 years ago I had to change or lose my marriage. The easiest thing prolly would have been to not change and walk away, but inside I knew that wasn’t the right thing. I knew that if I didn’t change then I would only keep repeating my actions over and over again.

    It was very difficult exposing my secrets like that but I knew it was something I had to do in order to change for the better.

    From Sixx A.M.’s “Permission”
    Well, I close my eyes
    Remove each piece of armor one by one
    Inhale this moment deep into my lungs
    Make amends for all I’ve done

    All of my devils are free at last
    And all my secrets revealed
    And your permission is all I
    Need to heal

    Hang in there… and know that if you really want to change then you can.

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