I’ve been a cheater, a liar, a thief, and a slut. I always got caught though. Once caught I was forced to take a long hard look at myself and decide whether I wanted to continue being those things. Consciously I always chose to take the path towards becoming a better person. That doesn’t mean that it was easy to change my ways, or that I never did those things again. I still slip up occasionally.
I really do want to be a good person and believe that I am a good person. I’m just a good person who does bad things sometimes. Growing up in the church I was taught that there is only right and wrong. If you did wrong, unless you asked for forgiveness you were sinning and headed for eternal damnation. It was enough to scare the pants off of a little kid. Fear is what motivated me into being a good girl growing up, not a desire to be a good Christian. I was afraid of God and the Preacher. The fear of disappointing the Preacher also kept me from doing a lot of varied and nefarious things that I would have liked to have done. Why do you think it took me 19 years to go on my first date and 22 years to lose my virginity? I was scared shitless of being thought of as a bad person and of going to hell.
There came a point though when I screwed up so bad and got caught that I just gave up the fight. I decided that even though what I had done was wrong, I had not done anything nearly as bad as what all they were accusing me of, so why not just do it. That was fifteen years ago and I’m still somewhat stuck in that mindset. I don’t know if it’s just my way of proving to myself that I am free to do what I want, or if it’s just a bad habit that I can’t get rid of.
For the last two years this blog has been my saving grace. It has allowed me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings and to confess my bad behaviors. I’ve been especially surprised by how writing has helped me think through things and figure out what I really believe and what I really want. It’s forced me to look inside myself and when I go back and read over what I’ve written I am able to see my faults with shining clarity.
I don’t want to stop looking at myself and trying to make myself a better person. If I were to stop doing that then what is the point of living this crazy life?
Manwhore told me last night that I would give away everything I had, every last dollar, to help someone. That I am one of the best people he knows. I wish I could see myself like that, but it’s so difficult knowing the things that I’ve done. Even though I’ve literally begged God for forgiveness at times, I’m just not sure that’s enough. I feel like no matter what I say or do, it’s never enough.
Every day is a battle for me, trying to reconcile what I was taught growing up in church and how I would really like to live my life. I have so many issues with the church that it isn’t even funny anymore. I may try to see the humor in it all, but sometimes that’s impossible.
I’m not exactly sure where I was going with all of this, but it feels good to get it all out. So until next time…