Archive | February 28, 2012

My Greatest Fear

Are there two of me.  The the wanna be bad girl and the wanna be good girl?  Guess what?  I’m neither, or am I both?  People think life has to be so black and white all the damn time, but it’s usually just shades of grey.

My greatest fear is not what you might expect.  It’s not of snakes or spiders or of heights.  It’s not of small spaces and not of crowds.  It is of something far deeper seeded than any of those things.  It is of something that has happened to me ever since I was a child.  My greatest fear is of being judged.

I know we will all be judged in the end, but until then I wish to live free of judgement.  The times when I am able to completely open myself up to someone and not be judged are the most wonderful, almost magical times, that I ever experience.  The rest of the time though, I have this overwhelming fear that will not allow me to be the full me.  As hard as I try, I cannot shake it.

My coat of many colors has long since faded.  My parents may have made it, but over the years, I’ve added colors.  I have continued to add colors, but they become muted and faded as the years go by.  I now wear my coat of many colors proudly.  I choose not to fear your judgement, only to accept your words with openness and a desire to better myself.  That is my new promise to the world.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Here…listen to this awesome music that better expresses how I feel right now.

And now for a little Dolly…

And for the grand finale…

Happy humping!

Playing to win

Good morning guys and gals.  I’m back from my trip with Art.  I had a wonderful time even though it had a rough start.  On Friday evening when we were supposed to leave, we got about 30 minutes out-of-town when I realized my headlights weren’t working.  I tried to fix them, but there is a short and it was futile so we got a pizza and came back to my place.

We ended up leaving Saturday morning instead.  The drive there was not boring at all because I had Art there to keep me entertained and to talk to.  He’s so damn funny and smart and we have so much in common.  Enough about that though.  The meet and greet with the kids went really well.  His kids are awesome.  I shouldn’t have been so worried because they are very cool, polite, and just good kids.

Since my headlights weren’t working we decided to come back home yesterday.  The drive back was just as much fun as the drive there.  I never came out and asked him what his intentions were with me, but I didn’t feel the need to.  At one point I did ask him if he was still going through women like Sherman through Atlanta.  He said that he had stopped doing that a long time ago and chooses to take things painfully slow these days.  I can live with that.  In fact, I think that’s probably exactly what I need.  I need someone to force me to take things slow.  Rushing into a relationship has never turned out good for me, so I think taking it slow would be the best thing for me too.  However, that doesn’t stop me from turning to mush every time he plays with the back of my neck and hair.  I can’t help it.  It’s involuntary.  LOL

So here’s what I’ve decided to do.  I’m going to just go with the flow here and if I fall, I just fall.  If I get hurt in the end, then that’s alright.  I’ll just have to take that chance.  Playing it safe in life and love is no fun.  Plus, if instead of getting hurt, it actually works out with Art, then I’ll have won the golden ticket.  You gotta play to win baby!

Happy humping!