Archive | February 2012

Who am I?

I’ve been a cheater, a liar, a thief, and a slut.  I always got caught though.  Once caught I was forced to take a long hard look at myself and decide whether I wanted to continue being those things.  Consciously I always chose to take the path towards becoming a better person.  That doesn’t mean that it was easy to change my ways, or that I never did those things again.  I still slip up occasionally.

I really do want to be a good person and believe that I am a good person.  I’m just a good person who does bad things sometimes.  Growing up in the church I was taught that there is only right and wrong.  If you did wrong, unless you asked for forgiveness you were sinning and headed for eternal damnation.  It was enough to scare the pants off of a little kid.  Fear is what motivated me into being a good girl growing up, not a desire to be a good Christian.  I was afraid of God and the Preacher.  The fear of disappointing the Preacher also kept me from doing a lot of varied and nefarious things that I would have liked to have done.  Why do you think it took me 19 years to go on my first date and 22 years to lose my virginity?  I was scared shitless of being thought of as a bad person and of going to hell.

There came a point though when I screwed up so bad and got caught that I just gave up the fight.  I decided that even though what I had done was wrong, I had not done anything nearly as bad as what all they were accusing me of, so why not just do it.  That was fifteen years ago and I’m still somewhat stuck in that mindset.  I don’t know if it’s just my way of proving to myself that I am free to do what I want, or if it’s just a bad habit that I can’t get rid of.

For the last two years this blog has been my saving grace.  It has allowed me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings and to confess my bad behaviors.  I’ve been especially surprised by how writing has helped me think through things and figure out what I really believe and what I really want.  It’s forced me to look inside myself and when I go back and read over what I’ve written I am able to see my faults with shining clarity.

I don’t want to stop looking at myself and trying to make myself a better person.  If I were to stop doing that then what is the point of living this crazy life?

Manwhore told me last night that I would give away everything I had, every last dollar, to help someone.  That I am one of the best people he knows.  I wish I could see myself like that, but it’s so difficult knowing the things that I’ve done.  Even though I’ve literally begged God for forgiveness at times, I’m just not sure that’s enough.  I feel like no matter what I say or do, it’s never enough.

Every day is a battle for me, trying to reconcile what I was taught growing up in church and how I would really like to live my life.  I have so many issues with the church that it isn’t even funny anymore.  I may try to see the humor in it all, but sometimes that’s impossible.

I’m not exactly sure where I was going with all of this, but it feels good to get it all out.  So until next time…

God bless.

My Greatest Fear

Are there two of me.  The the wanna be bad girl and the wanna be good girl?  Guess what?  I’m neither, or am I both?  People think life has to be so black and white all the damn time, but it’s usually just shades of grey.

My greatest fear is not what you might expect.  It’s not of snakes or spiders or of heights.  It’s not of small spaces and not of crowds.  It is of something far deeper seeded than any of those things.  It is of something that has happened to me ever since I was a child.  My greatest fear is of being judged.

I know we will all be judged in the end, but until then I wish to live free of judgement.  The times when I am able to completely open myself up to someone and not be judged are the most wonderful, almost magical times, that I ever experience.  The rest of the time though, I have this overwhelming fear that will not allow me to be the full me.  As hard as I try, I cannot shake it.

My coat of many colors has long since faded.  My parents may have made it, but over the years, I’ve added colors.  I have continued to add colors, but they become muted and faded as the years go by.  I now wear my coat of many colors proudly.  I choose not to fear your judgement, only to accept your words with openness and a desire to better myself.  That is my new promise to the world.

That’s all I have to say about that.

Here…listen to this awesome music that better expresses how I feel right now.

And now for a little Dolly…

And for the grand finale…

Happy humping!

Playing to win

Good morning guys and gals.  I’m back from my trip with Art.  I had a wonderful time even though it had a rough start.  On Friday evening when we were supposed to leave, we got about 30 minutes out-of-town when I realized my headlights weren’t working.  I tried to fix them, but there is a short and it was futile so we got a pizza and came back to my place.

We ended up leaving Saturday morning instead.  The drive there was not boring at all because I had Art there to keep me entertained and to talk to.  He’s so damn funny and smart and we have so much in common.  Enough about that though.  The meet and greet with the kids went really well.  His kids are awesome.  I shouldn’t have been so worried because they are very cool, polite, and just good kids.

Since my headlights weren’t working we decided to come back home yesterday.  The drive back was just as much fun as the drive there.  I never came out and asked him what his intentions were with me, but I didn’t feel the need to.  At one point I did ask him if he was still going through women like Sherman through Atlanta.  He said that he had stopped doing that a long time ago and chooses to take things painfully slow these days.  I can live with that.  In fact, I think that’s probably exactly what I need.  I need someone to force me to take things slow.  Rushing into a relationship has never turned out good for me, so I think taking it slow would be the best thing for me too.  However, that doesn’t stop me from turning to mush every time he plays with the back of my neck and hair.  I can’t help it.  It’s involuntary.  LOL

So here’s what I’ve decided to do.  I’m going to just go with the flow here and if I fall, I just fall.  If I get hurt in the end, then that’s alright.  I’ll just have to take that chance.  Playing it safe in life and love is no fun.  Plus, if instead of getting hurt, it actually works out with Art, then I’ll have won the golden ticket.  You gotta play to win baby!

Happy humping!

Flirtin’ with disaster

It’s late and I can’t sleep.  It probably has something to do with the impending doom coming this weekend.  Sorry.  I take that back.  I’m being overly dramatic, as I sometimes tend to be.  You know, maybe just a tiny bit, or a lot.  How can I tell since I am the one afflicted?  Does a crazy person know they are crazy?  Know what I mean Vern?  LOL

Wow, I’m really rambling tonight.  My mind is all over the place.  So here’s what I’m going to do.  I’m going to list out some of the random thoughts that have bounced around in my little brain today.  I hope you won’t mind.

I was talking to Art last night and he was telling me about something a friend told him a couple of years ago.  She told him that he was “going through women like Sherman through Atlanta.”  I just had to share that because first of all it’s funny, and secondly, it reminded me of Manwhore.

Another reason I wanted to crank out this quick post is because I’m going to be gone this weekend.  Art & I are supposed to come back Sunday.  I’m so incredibly nervous about this weekend.  Not only am I supposed to meet the kids, I also will have to spend over 5 hours with him in the car on the drive there.

I was talking to Manwhore earlier this evening and told him how nervous I am about this weekend and trip.  He asked why I was nervous because I had said that I’ll take whatever time I can get with Art.  This trip will give me a lot of time with him, so Manwhore didn’t understand.  I tried explaining why and then told him that at least by the end of this weekend I should know whether I’m going to keep seeing Art.  I think that statement shocked Manwhore a little.  He knows I really like Art.  However, if Art is not really that into dating me or isn’t looking for anything more than non-monogamous dating, then I don’t want to waste my time or his.

I also told Manwhore that it seems a bit odd that Art would want to introduce me to his kids if he wasn’t serious about dating me.  Unless he just wants me as a friend.  In which case, I will be happy to be his friend, but I need to know so that I can leave my options open for when I meet someone else.

Another thought that I had earlier when I was contemplating all of this is that I think I’ve gotten to the point where it’s almost like I can flip a switch and just stop being interested in someone.  Not that I want to stop seeing Art.  I just want to make sure the feelings are mutual.  If they aren’t then I need to be able to stop myself from getting too invested and then just move on.

As I stood on the balcony enjoying the cool breeze tonight, I almost had myself convinced that I could come up with enough reasons to stop wanting to be with Art.  I’m a very logical thinker, even though I don’t always do what is logical.  That’s still how my brain works through things.  It definitely has its pros and cons.  I don’t want to stop seeing him though.  I really do like him, think he’s the whole package, and hope we have a great weekend together.  I guess we’ll have to wait and see.  I’ll be sure to write all about it on Monday, that is if I’m not too traumatized. LOL

In other news…Fallen Angel (my little sister) keeps calling me and telling me that my father, not hers or ours, but my father is pissing her off non-stop.  She is very frustrated with the Preacher’s unwillingness to do what needs to be done about certain things, especially those having to do with financial matters.  She fears that our mother and little brother are going to end up suffering for the Preacher’s stubbornness and crazy mood swings.  I think I have to agree with Fallen Angel on this one.  Even though I’m a daddy’s girl, I am well aware of his faults.  More on that some other time.

So that’s it for now I suppose.  I’ll check back in on Monday & let you know how it all went and if I’m still going to be dating Art.  All prayers are appreciated & welcomed as always. 😉

Happy humping!

Love & Sex Q&A #12

Love & Sex12

When you meet people do you ever imagine what they would look like naked or what they are like sexually?  How would you feel if you knew someone were musing about you in this way?

Oh hell yes.  Doesn’t everyone?  Of course when I meet a man who I find attractive the first place my mind wanders to is below the belt.  I can’t help it.  I swear I’m not a size queen, but c’mon.  It does matter.  I won’t go into that yet again though.  My sister admits to her mind going below the belt as well, but hers heads toward their wallets.  LOL

If I knew someone was musing about me in that way I would be flattered as long as they aren’t a rapist or anything.  I catch Manwhore doing it all the time.  Last week when the new sous-chef at work was asking me out to dinner, I caught her staring at my cleavage several times.  I wasn’t upset by that.  I was flattered.  If a young butch girl likes what she sees, then why should I have a problem with that?  Muse on my dear friends, muse on.  😉

Happy humping!