Archive | October 26, 2011

Preachers, Rum and Porn

The Preacher’s coming!  The Preacher’s coming!  Hide your porn!

Did that get your attention?  It should have because that’s how I felt about his impending visit that Tuesday evening.  The Preacher, my mom and my little brother were all coming up for dinner.  It would be their first time seeing our new place.  Sis and I started cleaning like crazy on Sunday and getting everything ready for the big day, and then the big day arrived.

You're going to take this plate of meat & smile even if I have to shove it down your throat.

First we had to decide what to cook them for dinner.  The Preacher has become and extremely picky eater in his old age.  I think most of it is in his mind.  Hold on.  I can explain.  For example, for the past several years he has insisted that he cannot eat pasta or any Italian food because the oregano makes him nauseous.  Therefore, my mom could not use her Italian seasoning in anything that she was cooking for him because it contained oregano.  Then one day, a few months ago, we cooked some kind of boxed dinner and he ate it, and even worse, he liked it.  It had oregano listed as one of the ingredients.  Busted!  He’s full of…sh…oregano!

Since the Preacher is being such a whiny bitch lately we decided that maybe homemade shish kabobs would make him happy.  He always loves those.  What man doesn’t love meat on a stick?  Once the main course decision was out of the way, we had to go buy a grill.  We used to have one but the bottom fell out.

So we went to Wal-Mart on Sunday and bought a $25 charcoal grill, a bag of charcoal, and some lighter fluid.  Yay!  I get to make fire!  Oh, and sis bought all the food stuff to make the shish kabobs.

Yep, that's the one.

In my excitement about getting to play with fire I forgot to tell you about the porn.  The week before I went by my parents’ old house that’s still up for sale, and I checked the mail and ran some errands for him.  While I was there I figured why not pick up a few things that they left there and weren’t using.  They were things that sis and I really needed and my parents shouldn’t mind.  I went into the Preacher’s little office to get the two-line telephone, his desktop computer that needed fixing (I suspected it was due to the virus riddled porn sites he had visited), and sis wanted file folders.  So naturally I went to the file cabinet to look for some.  As I was looking I found a DVD.  It wasn’t just any DVD, it was the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape DVD.  Yep, that’s the one, and believe it or not, I’ve never even seen it.  So I was very tempted to bring it back home so I could see what all the fuss was about.  I decided that I’d better not though, because if the Preacher noticed it missing he might start asking questions.  We don’t want to have that conversation now do we?

Back to their visit.  The Preacher sent a text at 3:20 pm saying that they were leaving and would be here in an hour.  Holy crap!  An hour?  We haven’t even put the kabobs together yet.  I frantically started cutting up the potatoes for mashed potatoes.  At the same time I was trying to put together the kabobs.  Sis did manage to marinate everything the night before.  I almost forgot to light the grill.  By the time they arrived the grill was about a thousand degrees and I had one round of kabobs done (a few were extra crispy).

They came in and took the (short) tour of our little house and hugged and kissed on Little Bubba.  Then my sister’s old man knocked on the door.  Oh no.  Did she remember to tell him to not show up drunk?  God, I hope so.  This could get real ugly real fast if he’s drunk as a skunk.  (Here’s a good example of how my train of thought works.)  I then remembered that we still had a fifth of rum in the door of the refrigerator.  Sis refused to hide it in the cabinet.  Great.  Too late now.

My sister’s old man had thankfully not shown up in an inebriated state.  While we were all inside talking, my mom starts selling my sister to him.  She was like a sleazy car salesman trying to get rid of a lemon.  LOL  She’s good…I have to admit that.  She was telling him what a great cook my sis is and all sorts of stuff that just didn’t make sense.  Normally my mom would be asking if he was sure he could put up with my sister’s stubbornness or something along those lines.  Sis and I just stood there looking confused.

Her old man left and then we ate dinner.  The Preacher said it was really good, so I was happy.  They left and went on their merry way.  We had managed to avoid any family arguments or any awkward moments with my sister’s old man.  I’d call that a success.  Wouldn’t you? 🙂

Happy humping & don’t forget to hide your liquor & porn!