I am a creation of my own Karma.

What goes around comes around.  Give and you shall receive.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma.  ~Sri Guru Granth Sahib

I am a Christian, but I also believe in Karma.  It’s probably difficult to believe that someone could believe in both, but I suppose I’m not your typical, well, anything.  I attended mostly pentecostal type churches since the age of twelve.  I’ve also tried out meditative yoga which helped me focus, relax and be a calmer person.

“In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma, says only this: `for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.'” (The Law of Karma)

The sayings at the top each refer to Karma, but in different ways.  Sometimes I get depressed or just tired of how my life doesn’t seem to be going in the direction that I want it to go.  At those times my mind wanders back to things that I’ve done in my life that I’m not exactly proud of doing.  Some of the things that I’ve done I never even realized were wrong, bad, or hurtful to other people.  It’s not until I reflect back on them that I see the truth in what I have done.

I know I’ve hurt a lot of guys, and I regret most of it.  Of course there were some that I really don’t regret hurting because they probably deserved it for some reason.  I’m just unlamenting like that.  Unfortunately the ones that I do regret hurting, I really do feel bad about.  Like the nice older guy who went with me to the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, bought me a t-shirt (which I’m wearing as I write this), paid for the tickets even though I had bought them originally, then gave me the sweetest goodnight kiss when he dropped me off at home.  The next day he sent me flowers and a card.  Inside the card he wrote that he had a wonderful time and was so happy that he was able to spend his birthday with me.  He never said anything the night before about it being his birthday.  I never spoke to him again.  To this day I can’t tell you why.  I guess either I was just being a heartless bitch at the time, or I was scared off.

There have been so many times that I have gone out with men and for some reason or other I just never went out with them again.  It was rarely because I didn’t like them or because I wasn’t attracted to them.  I’ve been the bad girl who never returns phone calls, who ignores emails and texts, who just doesn’t seem to give a shit about the other person’s feelings.  I wish I knew why.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to stop doing that, but occasionally I find myself falling into old habits.

My point is that I believe that because of all the bitchy, cruel, mean, heartless ways that I’ve treated men in the past, my Karma is somewhat skewed toward the bad side.  That’s why I sometimes think that it’s the reason for my having gone through so many bad relationships, being cheated on, being lied to, and basically being treated the way that I treated others.

It may not help, but I would like to throw this out to the universe…I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for all the crappy things that I did to men and how I treated them when they definitely didn’t deserve it.  I vow from this moment on to be honest and if I don’t want to continue seeing someone, I will say so in the nicest way possible.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this will help change my Karma for the better in some small way.

Happy humping!

8 thoughts on “I am a creation of my own Karma.

  1. Well, it always makes me wonder as how insufficient the understanding of Karma is among many. The things you said are good to the point, but believe me, repenting is perhaps the best remedy for devilish karma. No, I can’t say go and date that guy you behaved so ruthlessly. You see, it is said that writing is the best tool to lighten our turbulent mind, but as I like to think, it is not the best thing to repent. There is a very very good line from the novel ‘Shantaram’ by Gregory David Roberts. It goes like this –

    ”One of the reasons why we crave love, & seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, & shame, & sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.”

    Writing off our own mistakes, lies, deceits and acts is never a good option. Facing them on our own is what is done. We are creator, we are god of our own and we are the goddess of justice for our self.

    And believe me, I am not a god fearing person, but I am a self fearing individual.

    But chill, you didn’t do anything extreme. It’s the age that made you the person you were. Accepting our own past is a very good start. I wish you a very very wonderful future full with content. 🙂 Keep smiling

  2. This is beautiful. I hope your karma will change course for the better. I can relate to you in soooooo many ways, especially in this post. You said everything that I have been thinking about my life pretty much. I have been changing my ways from the outside in too and hope that the good seeds I sow will grow for me to reap just like the bad ones I used to sow.

    • You reap what you sow. I knew I had forgotten one. 😉 You’re so right though. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. It’s good to know I’m not alone. 🙂 We’ll get there if we just keep trying.

    • I’m not, but I do pin my gravitating toward assholes on my bad karma. I’m just trying to change my behavior and my direction. 🙂

  3. Its a shame that karma never forgets all of the bad choices we’ve made. Karma’s a bitch when you’re a bitch. But look on the bright side, experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted. You’re a better person now… Or so I’d like to think since I gravitate towards your character.

    Take care.

  4. I’ve always believed in Karma and I’m a Christian, too…I never really stopped and thought about whether that was contradictory or not before.
    We all have regrets and make mistakes, it’s what we do when we realize what we did and whether we actively seek to change things, that truly matters, I believe.

  5. As a devout agnostic I’ve always found this phenomenon curious. People will claim to be of one faith but they will pick and choose either pieces of other faiths (like karma), or they will just ignore fundamental aspects of their own faith (like abortion). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t judge and people are free to believe whatever they want, I just find it curious when people claim to believe in a particualr faith and then try to bend it to fit their own beliefs.

    I suppose an argument could be made that, since the Bible was written by man and has been translated many times, it’s not necessarily the pure unadulterated word of God. So you could argue that the organized religions don’t have any more right to say what’s right than anyone else. I guess that’s why I just don’t claim any faith at all.

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