Archive | August 3, 2011

I am a creation of my own Karma.

What goes around comes around.  Give and you shall receive.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

As she has planted, so does she harvest; such is the field of karma.  ~Sri Guru Granth Sahib

I am a Christian, but I also believe in Karma.  It’s probably difficult to believe that someone could believe in both, but I suppose I’m not your typical, well, anything.  I attended mostly pentecostal type churches since the age of twelve.  I’ve also tried out meditative yoga which helped me focus, relax and be a calmer person.

“In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma, says only this: `for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.'” (The Law of Karma)

The sayings at the top each refer to Karma, but in different ways.  Sometimes I get depressed or just tired of how my life doesn’t seem to be going in the direction that I want it to go.  At those times my mind wanders back to things that I’ve done in my life that I’m not exactly proud of doing.  Some of the things that I’ve done I never even realized were wrong, bad, or hurtful to other people.  It’s not until I reflect back on them that I see the truth in what I have done.

I know I’ve hurt a lot of guys, and I regret most of it.  Of course there were some that I really don’t regret hurting because they probably deserved it for some reason.  I’m just unlamenting like that.  Unfortunately the ones that I do regret hurting, I really do feel bad about.  Like the nice older guy who went with me to the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, bought me a t-shirt (which I’m wearing as I write this), paid for the tickets even though I had bought them originally, then gave me the sweetest goodnight kiss when he dropped me off at home.  The next day he sent me flowers and a card.  Inside the card he wrote that he had a wonderful time and was so happy that he was able to spend his birthday with me.  He never said anything the night before about it being his birthday.  I never spoke to him again.  To this day I can’t tell you why.  I guess either I was just being a heartless bitch at the time, or I was scared off.

There have been so many times that I have gone out with men and for some reason or other I just never went out with them again.  It was rarely because I didn’t like them or because I wasn’t attracted to them.  I’ve been the bad girl who never returns phone calls, who ignores emails and texts, who just doesn’t seem to give a shit about the other person’s feelings.  I wish I knew why.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve tried to stop doing that, but occasionally I find myself falling into old habits.

My point is that I believe that because of all the bitchy, cruel, mean, heartless ways that I’ve treated men in the past, my Karma is somewhat skewed toward the bad side.  That’s why I sometimes think that it’s the reason for my having gone through so many bad relationships, being cheated on, being lied to, and basically being treated the way that I treated others.

It may not help, but I would like to throw this out to the universe…I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for all the crappy things that I did to men and how I treated them when they definitely didn’t deserve it.  I vow from this moment on to be honest and if I don’t want to continue seeing someone, I will say so in the nicest way possible.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this will help change my Karma for the better in some small way.

Happy humping!