The Great Pretender

Again I called the doctor’s office today.  I got yet another story about how they didn’t have the refill requests and I should call the pharmacy, again.  I called the pharmacy and they said that she had denied the requests.  Finally I found out from a lady at the doctor’s office that it wouldn’t be approved until I came in for a one-year exam.  I asked how much that costs because I don’t have insurance now.  It’s only $160.  Only $160?  Gee, considering that is only $10 less than what I get every week from workers comp, that’s nothing.  Sure I can pay that…in your freaking dreams lady!  Let’s see, do I choose food and shelter, or do I choose to pay my bitch of a doctor$160 just so I can see her for ten minutes and have her ask how I’m doing?

Yes, I am on the verge of having a freak-out attack.  Maybe someone out there understands how it feels to suddenly have your body’s supply of hormones taken away.  It’s like a never-ending loop of hot flashes, cold sweats, weakness, fatigue, headaches, insomnia, mood swings, and then more hot flashes.  I feel like I can barely get out of bed and when I do I don’t want anyone near me, but at the same time I feel so incredibly lonely.  I went through that for years before a decent doctor finally figured out what the hell was wrong with me.  Unfortunately, once I moved down here I had to find a new doctor.  Now she won’t give me a damn refill.  If she denies it one more time I’m liable to end up in the psych ward by tonight.

Until I check in later, here’s a song that is really speaking to me today.  Keep in mind that the people who I see in my everyday life don’t have a clue unless I tell them what’s going on.  I usually don’t do that.  I save it all for you.  Don’t you feel special? 😉

The Pretender was written by Buck Ram and covered by Freddie Mercury on the album Lover Of Life – Singer Of Songs: The Very Best Of Freddie Mercury.  Few songs speak to me like this one does.  I tried linking a YouTube video, but I haven’t been able to get it to work for the last few days.  So instead I’m posting the lyrics.

The Pretender

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Pretending I’m doing well
My need is such
I pretend too much
I’m lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game but to my real shame
You’ve left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make-believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I’m not you see
I’m wearing my heart like a crown

Too real when i feel what my heart can’t conceal

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I’m not you see
I’m wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you’re…
Pretending that you’re still around

2 thoughts on “The Great Pretender

  1. Not to make light of your ordeal, but here in Canada your prescription would be covered. Of course, the Social Safety Net is expensive to maintain, but the benefits are enormous. Hang in there!

  2. Pingback: Mission Accomplished « Confessions of a Preacher's Daughter

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