Every day with my family is an adventure. I coasted into town Friday afternoon and was quickly whisked away by my parents and a couple from my dad’s church, to a cancer fundraiser being held at a different church about twenty minutes away. Whenever a church has any type of extracurricular function here in the South there is always food and music involved. This one was a HeeHaw themed dinner theater. Sounds like a blast doesn’t it?
We were told that there would be a full house so we arrived an hour early to make sure that we had good seats for the show. I wanted to sit close to the kitchen so we could be sure to get our food first because I was starving by that point, but the Preacher chose seats near the door so that we could make a hasty exit later in the evening. Or maybe he’s just so paranoid at this point that he just feels safer by the nearest exit.
The show started after everyone had gotten their plates and the blessing had been said. The featured act seemed to be several groups of clog dancers from a local dance school. The dancers ranged in age from five to eighteen. The teacher was your typical bubbly cutesy Southern belle. She was wearing her best overalls and her hair was in pigtails. She was going along with the HeeHaw theme I guess. Most of the dancers were also wearing overalls and pigtails. As I looked around the room there were lots of other smaller girls, probably ages one to four, wearing cute little outfits and all had gigantic bows on top of their tiny heads. When did that come back into style, or is it just yet another trademark of Southern girls? Maybe I should buy some giant bows next time I go shopping.
So the clog dancers did a decent job with their first number. The song for that one was “Cotton Eyed Joe” which I hate, but it made for good clogging music. Then we heard from an old man who told a few funny stories in the Grandpa Jones style. The only problem was that his delivery was really slow and I thought he’d never get to the punch lines. Following the old man were two young men who each sang a song and played their acoustic guitars. Don’t expect to see them on American Idol anytime soon.
Next up was a lady who sang a Christian song that I had never heard before and she also did the sign language to go along with it. She had to stop and start over half way through. That was another one that almost put me to sleep. Side note: never take a vicodin before going to a church function. I literally almost dozed off while the gospel quartet sang, and sang, and sang some more. I don’t know if they thought the audience wanted to hear more from them or if they just thought that they were that good. The only thing their music inspired me to do was to pray that I not fall asleep in front of a hundred and fifty people in a strange church and embarrass the Preacher and my mother.
Next up, more clogging, and more clogging, and more jokes, and more singing, oh my God will it ever end????
God please do something to keep me awake. Bam! Prayer answered. “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was just the clog dancing wake-up call that I had needed! Wow, those girls really can clog. The two oldest ones were really good. They did the jumping up and clicking their heels thing and other footwork that would make even the best River Dancer jealous. I was actually impressed.
Finally Professor O.V. Alls came on stage. The Professor just so happened to be my sister’s sixty-seven year old ex-boyfriend. He’s a good man and still supports the Preacher’s non-profit organization, and he’s very funny. His little skit about Yankees and Southern expressions was very funny. My favorite was the one about “lag” as in to “lag behind”, but in the South it means that we have a right lag and a left lag. Get it? He meant leg for those of you that don’t get it. It’s OK if you don’t. It’s a Southern thing I guess. We do tend to talk a little funny down here. Even my Microsoft Word is fighting me, trying to tell me that I mean to type leg and not lag. Stupid spell check.
So see, every day here is an adventure, and I didn’t even get to mention the woman with the “Hallelujah Hair.”
As expected the Preacher rushed us out right after my sister’s ex-boyfriend finished with his skit and before the gospel quartet could get started back singing again. Praise the Lord! Time for some nicotine!