My mother, my sister and I have an addiction. We are all addicted to infomercials. I believe that my mother’s addiction, and mine, is due to insomnia. We have always had trouble either getting to sleep or staying asleep. To pass the time during those wee hours of the night/morning we watch television, cook or clean. As we all know the only thing on TV at 3:00 am are infomercials about useless products at inflated prices. These are the same items that you find in stores weeks later with the little “As Seen On TV” sticker on them for half the price, but still not worth even that much.
These items are usually pitched by professional pitchmen such as the late great Billy Mays (pictured below) or his rival Vince Shlomi the ShamWow Guy (pictured in the lower right hand corner above).
Everyone from Suzanne Somers to Susan Powter to Richard Simmons to my personal favorite, Gilbert Gottfried (pimping the Shoedini) hosts these infomercials. What the hell were they thinking putting Gilbert Gottfried on at 3:00 am selling a shoe horn with a handle? I’ll tell you what they were thinking. That guys voice is so loud and annoying that he could wake the dead or even the dead tired.
OK so now that I’ve summed up some of the pitchmen and products I’ll move on to the ones that the women of my family have been suckered into buying while sitting in our recliners in a half-asleep stupor.
My mother was the first to fall victim to the late-night infomercial. She has bought items such as air purifiers, the Your Baby Can Read series (my little brother still can’t read), and even the dreaded Salad Spinner.
My sister did not fall victim to insomnia, but to the late night feedings of a newborn. While she would sit in the recliner every four hours to feed the little Tornado she would watch the Cricut infomercials over and over again until finally she bought one. It now sits on a table, designated the “Cricut table”, and collects dust.
Last week while I was at the Preacher’s house we were up late watching TV when an infomercial for the no!no! home hair removal system came on. My sister got a gleam in her eye and shouted “I need that!” Why? My sister is no Wookie. She is a blond and doesn’t have a beard or anything. She could probably even get away without even shaving her legs if she wanted to. But no, she needs the no!no! NOW! Or so she thinks. I managed to talk her out of ordering one by looking up their website and reading her the fine print at the very bottom of the website, because of course if it costs more than fifty bucks they’ll never tell you how much it is on the infomercial.
“*Offer Details: As part of the Special TV Offer – you will have the convenience of a 3 installment payment plan. You will be initially charged 89.95 + a onetime shipping and handling fee of $14.95. In 30 days the same method of payment you use to make your purchase will automatically be charged the second of three payments in the amount of $89.95. In 60 days, you will be charged a final payment of 89.95 for a total of $284.90.”
Finally her need subsided. She still insisted that she wanted to have her entire body from the forehead down lasered of all unwanted hair. Did I mention my sister is a little insane? LOL
So if you need your boobs lifted, tummy tucked in, cellulite gone, bangs cut straight, booty more bootilicious, arms tighter (not to mention more stamina when jerking off your man), cooch hairless, or just something to wrap up in on those long cold lonely nights while watching infomercials and eating bonbons, we’ve got you covered. Not your arms though. You need those to keep shoving the bonbons in your mouth. Otherwise you wouldn’t need all that other crap that they’re trying to sell you.
Lastly, my infomercial confession. Yes, I too have fallen victim to the late night infomercial and actually ordered one of these crap gadgets. About a year ago I was having severe back problems and the doctors only wanted to keep stabbing me with needles full of drugs so I decided to try a less torturous method. I ordered the AuraWave pain relief system. It only cost me three easy payments of $49.99 each, plus shipping and handling of course. Today it sits under my nightstand collecting dust. It sort of helped at first, but it was such a pain in the butt to hook up and use that I finally just gave up on it. I am however considering trying it out as a sex toy.
So there it is. There’s my rant on infomercials and the crappy products that they sucker us into buying when we are half-asleep and desperate or just plain bored.