That’s how I felt the night of my DWI arrest. The lovely ladies that were in lock-up with me that night couldn’t believe that I, the Preacher’s Daughter, was there after 36 years of never having any kind of involvement with the law. (Unless you count the time that I had sex with a NYC detective, but that’s another story.) Anyway, for that matter, I couldn’t believe it either.
Today was just lovely. On my way out-of-town I turned to get onto the interstate and quickly noticed three State Troopers parked on the side of the on-ramp. They were letting people go through, except for me of course. I got signaled to pull over to the side.
Now, if I hadn’t of had my troubles with the county sheriff’s department last August and my subsequent DWI arrest I may not have thought twice about being pulled over, but since that was not the case, I was scared shitless.
First of all I still don’t have my actual physical license. The suspension is off, but I haven’t paid the $300 in fines to get the physical license back yet. The lady at the DMV told me it would be ok since I paid to get the suspension off. She was WRONG! Never trust a woman who works at the DMV and who has fairy figurines all over her cubicle.
Secondly, my inspection sticker expired in August, the time of my arrest. Once I got out of the county jail and lost my license my car broke down and I just kind of never got around to it. I was going to go get one today, but didn’t quite make it there.
The last thing that went wrong was that I wasn’t wearing my seat belt. That I have no excuse for, it was just pure stupidity on my part. Now that wasn’t all that went wrong, that was just all that I did wrong.
As I sat in my car, praying, I started to worry. It was taking the trooper an awful long time to run my license. I sat thinking “should it be taking so long?” Something had to be wrong. I feared that I already had a room reserved in the county jail. For a moment I imagined the late great ‘Joliet’ Jake Blues (Jim Belushi) sitting beside me telling me just to make a run for it. I had to tell him to shut up because I was praying, and on a mission from God. For a split second though, I actually thought about running like a po-po ho. (Joe: [about Madea] The po-po come, she’s running like a ho.)
Finally he pulled his car up behind mine. (When I first pulled over there was an SUV in front of the first trooper car and the trooper that came to greet me was parked behind the first trooper. He was too lazy to walk all they way up to my car I suppose, or maybe he was afraid that I would run like Madea so he drove.) After he parked his car behind me and got out he called out to me and asked me to step out of my vehicle. (OH SHIT! Not the cuffs again!)
Well, what turned out to be the biggest problem, and what took so long, was that when the officer took my ID and proof of insurance back to his car to run it, NOTHING came up. NOTHING. It was if I didn’t even exist in the DMV records. WTF?!
So I was very confused and he seemed confused also, but he took pity on me, if you can call it that, and just hands me a ticket to sign. It stated that I was not wearing a seat belt, had an expired license, and expired inspection sticker.
Thank You Jesus! I’ll take a ticket over going back to that damn jail any day.
He instructed me to head straight home because he should have towed my car right then and there, but he was giving me a break. And if I had a wreck on the way home I was not to tell anyone that he had given me the ticket. Again, I’m thinking WTF?
Anyway, I headed home, but I had to stop by the drug store on the way home though to buy my money order (for my probation officer that was due on the first of the month). This is the first time I’ve ever been late sending it in, but due to a missing check I just didn’t have the money until today. So, that was yet another reason I was afraid that I might have gone back to lock-up when I got pulled over.
As I drove home I started thinking that maybe it was a blessing in disguise that my driver’s license didn’t come up in the system. If it had then he might have seen that I was on probation and hadn’t paid my P.O. (probation officer) yet for the month and then I’d surely be cuffed and booked into my suite at the county jail. I breathed a sigh of relief.
That didn’t last long. As I got on the road that leads out-of-town I saw a traffic jam. I couldn’t really see what was up ahead, but I did see what I thought was a school bus with its light flashing. It was about the time that school lets out so I figured that it was just the bus stopping to let the kiddos disembark. Then terror filled my heart when I saw blue lights flashing in the distance ahead of me. Panic attack time. If these cops/troopers/sheriff’s or whatever they were pulled me over again and found out that I still had all the same offenses going for me I may not be so lucky this time.
As soon as I could I turned right off the road into a subdivision that I was fairly certain looped around and had another outlet further down the road. Surely I could get away with it and bypass this roadblock. Thank God I had my GPS in the car with me today otherwise I would have been completely lost in that winding loop-de-loop subdivision. It safely guided me out to the other exit of the subdivision. And once again, Thanks be to God, I was adequately past the point where the blue lights were flashing. I felt like Smokey & the Bandit. I high-tailed it out of there and boogied my ass on home.
The ticket is in my glove-box. I haven’t told Skaterboi yet, but I guess I’ll have to tell him eventually, once the embarrassment subsides. For now this late night confession will have to do, and maybe it will help me to come to terms with my most recent meeting with the boys in blue.
P.S. Thanks to the State Troopers for the lovely ticket today and for not towing my car and for providing me with yet another unbelievable story to tell. And as my friend Patrecia commented on a earlier post, “I am sure that this was not the last of you Life Adventures.” I think she’s a psychic. 😉