Archive | February 2, 2011

Follow up to “Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about me?”

Quidmont recently replied to an older post of mine titled “Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about me?” and asked some very thought provoking questions.

  • Is Bobblehead Nerd’s attitude unique in your experience?

Unfortunately, no.  Although his attitude was more extreme than any other man’s I had dealt with before.  He was not the only nor the last man that I’ve been with that had that “I’m horny so you have to take care of it whether you want to or not” attitude.

  • Do most guys take it in stride when you’re not in the mood and just accept it?  Or what is the general reaction.

Most men do take it in stride.  Most men are understanding when I’m not in the mood due to sickness or just being too tired.  For me it’s usually only been the narcissistic or extremely low self-esteem types that act like sex is a requirement no matter how I am feeling at the moment.

I have to give recognition to my second husband because he and I went through very long (four months at a time) dry spells after we got married.  I did not have health insurance at the time and could not afford my hormone replacement medications.  I’ve suffered from premature ovarian failure since I was fourteen.  It is pretty much like early menopause.  When I’m not taking my medicine my sex drive plummets to near zero levels.  This not only frustrates me because I’m used to having a normally high sex drive, but it also puts a strain on any relationship that I may happen to be in and my partner, which is completely understandable.  Thankfully I haven’t had to go without my medicine for a few years now.

My ex-husband handled it like a real man.  I can never thank him enough for being so understanding.  I’m not saying it was easy, but no matter how sexually frustrated he may have gotten, he was never mean about it and I don’t believe that he ever actually cheated on me.

  • Not everyone, (male or female), is going to be in the mood every single time their partner is, so what’s your general experience? And part two … What about from the female perspective?

If I’m not in the mood because I’m just tired or reasons other than sickness, I try to do my best to help my man out.  That may be in the form of oral or a hand job, or just being affectionate and watching while he masturbates if that is what he enjoys.

If he’s not in the mood, but I am, then I try to be understanding and am usually fine with waiting until he is in the mood.  I understand that men sometimes get stressed out and not in the mood just like women do.  It’s perfectly normal.  Personally I’d rather wait until he is in the mood so that we can enjoy sex together.  It’s always more fun if both people are all hot and bothered and ready to go at it like animals anyway.

  • So my question is, from a guy’s perspective, every “no” may seem like an eternity. What is an eternity from the female viewpoint please?

For me an eternity would be a month or longer.  I suppose this is because men’s “I’m not in the mood” blocks of time don’t seem to be as long as women’s.  Since my sex drive is usually very high, anything over a month makes me start seeing double, drooling and wanting to hump every good-looking guy I see.

  • And if either party is on an extended stretch of low libido, when does “guilting” the partner into a tumble change to “obligation”.

I don’t think anyone should ever have to feel guilted, pushed, or obligated to have sex with another person.  Men complain all the time about women just lying there and not being into the act of sex.  So if they are complaining so much why would they want to push a woman into having sex if she doesn’t want to?  If she’s not in the mood then she’s most likely going to do just that, lie there.  It makes no sense to me.  Is it so important for a guy to get his rocks off that he can completely ignore the fact that the woman is lying there in physical or emotional pain?

On the other side of this, women should never do what I did with Bobblehead Nerd and give in to a man’s whining, nagging or aggressiveness and have sex when they don’t want to.  It will only end up in resentment, anger and feeling violated, like it did with me.

  • And more importantly, since obligation is no way to run a relationship, what would you suggest for re-igniting a proper spark in a “long” dry spell by whatever standard you set?

When my second ex-husband and I had our long dry-spells it was usually some small romantic gesture that got my juices flowing again, even without my hormone medicine.  One time he threw a birthday party for me at our house and invited a bunch of our friends and family over.  He let me have my Hello Kitty theme like I wanted.  He even got me a Hello Kitty birthday cake and a local band to play, without my asking!  That wasn’t what really melted my heart and nether regions though.  It was time to cut the cake and open my presents and he gathered everyone up and gave a little speech.  He thanked everyone for coming and then surprisingly said in front of everyone how much he loved me and appreciated me.  Coming from a huge ox of a man’s man this was quite possibly the sweetest most sincere thing he had ever done for me.  I remember thinking at that moment how blessed I was to have found such a wonderful man.  Later that night after everyone had left, I tore him up.  The previous four months without sex seemed like a distant memory.