To be or not to be the mistress.

 

Madame de Pompadour, mistress of Louis XV of France, circa 1750

That is the question for today.  When I was twenty-one a very good friend of mine, and fellow preacher’s kid, set me up with an older married gentleman who was looking for an arrangement of sorts.  He was in search of a mistress.  I met with him for lunch one day to see how we liked one another and to discuss the details of the arrangement.  Afterward I decided that I was not the mistress that he was searching for and very politely told him that I was not interested.

Again I’ve met an older gentleman, soon to be married, that is searching for the perfect mistress.  To him this means a woman who is younger, pretty, intelligent, funny, and understands the boundaries that come with being a mistress.  When we discussed it he made it sound like more of a business arrangement than an affair.  It would be purely physical and financially beneficial for both of us due to the fact that I can offer certain business services that he is needing.

I believe that any good relationship will have its benefits, whether they be financial, sexual, emotional or otherwise.  There is always a reason why we are attracted to others and why we want a relationship with them.  If there were no benefits to being in a relationship then why would we do it?  Just because this man is offering me financial and business perks along with a steady sex life, does that make it any less of a relationship?

My difficulty in making a decision here is that I am not entirely heathenish, I do have morals and a conscience that talks to me occasionally.  I’m still unsure of whether I could actually go through with this type of arrangement, as tempting as it may be.  The thing that I do admire in this gentleman is his honesty and openness with me about what type of relationship he wants and what he would expect from me.  Going into a relationship knowing that I will be the other woman somehow sets my mind at ease.  There’s no worrying about whether he is cheating because I already know he is, with me.  Also I’m left with the option of seeing other men because how can he expect me to be monogamous if he’s not.

The only problem I can foresee is the involvement of feelings.  If he gets to be too attached to me, falls in love with me, wants only me, that could be a big problem.  It’s easy to say that there won’t be any hard feelings or heart-break if I find a man who I want to marry, but what about her, the main woman in his life?  She could end up hurt and that I’m not comfortable with at all.  Not to mention any possible suitors that I may have would also have to remain unaware of the fact that I was a “kept woman” and I don’t like having to lie to people.  It only causes problems.

So I suspect that my dreams of being a “kept woman” will just be put on the side yet again and I will continue my search for my morally acceptable relationship with Mr. Right.

8 thoughts on “To be or not to be the mistress.

  1. Once again your honesty is a breath of fresh air. No false pretense here. Just straight talk. And about a topic that many wouldn’t even bother to tackle.

    Please keep it up. You say things as only you can and about such great topics.

    For a self professed Preacher’s Daughter, your openness is amazing.

    Thank you.

    – Quidmont

    • Thank you again Quidmont. That wasn’t an easy post to write because I know it’s a touchy subject and admitting to myself that I was actually considering it was like undergoing a soul autopsy.

      I feel I should be against cheating more than anyone because I’ve been cheated on so many times and been left feeling jaded and hopeless when it comes to relationships. I just can’t completely give up hope on men though. I still believe there is someone for everyone even if that means that I have to think outside the box and look beyond the types of men that I’m naturally attracted to.

      By then end of the post I had talked myself out of taking him up on his offer. That’s why I love writing on here. Before I write my mind is teetering on the edge of a decision and by the time I’m done it is clear on what I have to do.

      • I too have found the clarity that writing brings. You’ve been kind enough to stop by my writer’s and reader’s blogs and made me blush when I realized you had links to both here. (And I see we have a mutual friend in MJCache! Excellent stuff there too – and also anonymous.)

        And I recognize the benefit of anonymity. Some of my best work I’ve published anonymously. It gave me much more freedom than using my name would have.

        As for finding the right man, don’t give up. But neither should you allow yourself to feel incomplete without him. I found my soul mate the first day of high-school and we’ve been married for over 31 years now. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

        My business partner comes from India and has a traditional, arranged marriage. I grew up thinking this was a barbaric practice but have come to respect the idea immensely. As he explained, you can marry for love or marry for tradition – either way it’s a gamble. Many who married for love ended up in divorce. At least with an arranged marriage, you have the support of both families. And if you’re lucky, you’ll grow to love each other over time. If not, you both still have the commitment – and the option for divorce.

        And lest you think the custom is as archaic as I did, modern arranged marriages are not betrothals from birth with no wiggle room. They are more like a family planned dating service where the introductions are made for you.

        Long reply, all to say that I understand your seriously considering the mistress proposal. It’s not completely traditional where you or I come from. But in some parts of the world it’s almost standard.

        As long as nobody gets hurt and everyone is consenting I have no problem with it. So the assumption that this guy was a creep may be unfounded. Was it ever established that his wife would not know? From what I’ve read of your post, nothing says she may not have agreed.

        Anyway, much too long a reply. But my heart is with you. I wish you love and hope you find it in a lasting way with the right person. It can hurt like heck. But it’s worth trying for. 🙂

        – Quidmont

  2. I think the hardest part would be knowing he’s lying to his wife. It may be refreshing that he’s upfront with you about your arrangement, but knowing that he’s sneaking around behind his wife’s back (before they’re even married!) makes my creep-o-meter go off big time.

    • You’re right. It’s not easy to think about his wife and how I’d be hurting her even if she didn’t know about me. People are not perfect though and it’s believed that 30-60% of people cheat. (This is based on statics that I found around the internet.) So if this man is going to cheat anyway, which he’s already told me, then what should stop me from being the other woman and benefiting from the situation?

      • I understand people cheat, I guess I just have a problem with someone who is already planning on cheating before he’s even married.

        Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has moments of weakness. But when you’re planning it in advance it’s not a mistake, it’s a character flaw.

        But that being said, you’re right, if he’s going to do it anyway I suppose it might as well be with you. 🙂

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