Archive | November 2010

The Hangover

Dear God,

Will this hangover ever go away?


On the Playground

There’s a song on my iPod that keeps popping up that I really like because of the bass line, but also because of the lyrics. It says “I warned you, you didn’t believe me. I warned you & now you’re caught. There’s some people that you just can’t trust. Some people talk way too much. Take my advice & listen up. Don’t be a fool like the rest of us.”

I also like this song because I can relate to the lyrics. It can go both ways though. I can see myself as both the good-guy & bad-guy in this song.

I’ve always had a dark side, but the good side is usually what ruled & guided me. I think I’ve gone out of balance in the last few years though. I don’t even trust myself sometimes & I certainly don’t expect anyone else to trust me. How do I get back to the light? How do I stop being what I despise, a hypocrite? This probably sounds ridiculous coming from a preacher’s kid because i’m supposed to already know the answer. That doesn’t mean it’s any easier or the how-to part is any clearer though.

Just some late night contemplations. No juicy confession or anything this time. There’s really nothing to confess today other than I ate too many Thanksgiving leftovers and I got caught in a lie.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families. Since I completely avoided mine, i’m in the dog house i’m afraid. Nothing beats being the black sheep of the family.

Going to Hell in a handbasket? Hop on in with me.

Yesterday morning I woke up in a beautiful condo on the beach overlooking the Gulf of Mexico.  However, I was sobbing when I woke up.  I was alone in bed at 6:30 am.  My friend had left me all alone in that huge king size bed.  There was no sex the night before, or the night before that.  Only the first night there did we have sex, and it was bad sex, yet again.  Still no kissing or cuddling or any sign of affection.  So I just got out of bed and went into the bathroom to wipe the tears from my face.  I’m still not sure why I woke up sobbing, I just know that I did.  Bad dream, maybe.  Stress, quite possibly.

It all started with my friend cutting his trip to go see his “girlfriend” short & coming back on Sunday evening instead of on Thanksgiving day as he had planned.  Soon after he got back he said he wanted to take me on a trip, a vacation of sorts.  So we left for the beach that night.  He hardly spoke a word to me the entire three hours driving there.  When we got there to the hotel it had two double beds, so considering that he had just come from seeing his “girlfriend” up North, I decided to lay down on the bed that he wasn’t on.  Because I knew that if I got into bed with him it would probably end up in us having sex, which I didn’t feel comfortable with at all.

At 4:00 am I woke up, well I actually woke up several times, but this time I heard him and knew that he was awake also.  I got up to go get some water & when I came back into the bedroom he had the TV on asked why I was sleeping in the other bed.  I told him that I wasn’t sure what was going on with us and the fact that he had just came from seeing his “girlfriend” didn’t really turn me on to the idea of sleeping in the same bed with him.  I could tell he wanted me in bed with him though so I gave in and lay down beside him, pretending to try to go back to sleep.  Almost immediately he began groping my breast and kissing it.  But instead of taking his time and getting me going, he just takes my pajama shorts off, not even paying enough attention to realize that I still had my underwear on.  He hops on top of me and gets ready to slide inside of me.  I of course had to alert him to the fact that I still had my underwear on, so of course he then took them off.  It was a very disappointing attempt at foreplay.  Anyway, he hops on and starts pounding away as usual.  I didn’t even have time to orgasm because he seemed to be in such a damn hurry to get himself off.  Oh and if you’re wondering why I didn’t just tell him to slow down and not cum yet, it’s because I have before and it seems to be pointless, like it’s my fault that I can’t orgasm in 15 seconds.

So, for the next three days there was no more sex.  I was in a very bad mood because of that and because he was still not really in a talkative mood.  I would have been better off if I had gone there alone.  At least then I could have gone out and done something and enjoyed my time at the beach.

We left a day early, on Wednesday.  I was so irritated at that point I decided that trying to talk to him on the drive home was pointless so I pretended to sleep.  Once back at his place I had it planned for someone to come pick me up.  That someone was my ex-husband.  He had come to town to pick up his nephew for Thanksgiving and had his girlfriend’s two kids tagging along.  It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be and we finally made it back to his girlfriend’s house.

So, I spend Thanksgiving with my ex-husband, his girlfriend, his nephew, and her two kids.  At least the food was good.  She’s definitely a better cook than I ever was or will be.

Now I’m sitting in the guest bedroom writing this entry and hoping that no one notices that I’m missing.  I tried to hang out on the porch with his girlfriend and her friend for a little while and enjoy a drink but they are nurses and I seem to have absolutely nothing in common with them.  I’m sure my introverted ways aren’t helping the situation either.

So, here I am contemplating why I am in love with a guy that is in love with another woman that doesn’t love him and I’m trying to fight the urge to flirt with and/or fuck my ex-husband which I KNOW is a bad idea.  I don’t even want to fuck him, I just want some angry sex right now I think….some way of venting all this pent-up frustration.  By the way, I would NEVER fuck my ex-husband.  That’s just not happening.

I also managed to piss off my parents and sister along the way by not coming up for Thanksgiving with the family.  However, I do have my reasons for not wanting to go there.  First of all they seem to suck the life out of me by asking me to do things constantly and of course I always say I’ll do it, but something is different today.  I think I finally grew a pair.  I told my sister to forget it and that I wasn’t coming and wasn’t going to explain anything to my parents because I’m 36 fucking years old and if I don’t feel like going, then I just won’t go.

Ok, yes, I’m in a bad mood, but who cares?  This is my life and I’ll screw it up any way I please.

P.S.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Trails

Well, it’s 4:40 am & here I am sitting in his apartment all alone. My friend, formerly with benefits, has just left to go fly out to see his “girlfriend” for Thanksgiving. This after he told me that he doesn’t want to move up to where she lives because he doesn’t like it there. Yet, he is still willing to shell out cash that I know he probably can’t afford to spend right now, for a ticket to go see a woman who is not willing to move here to be with him (“oops, she’s a gold-digger, just thought you should know nigga”).  I know I shouldn’t be upset or jealous or even care at this point, but sometimes even though I don’t want to feel something, my damn heart feels it anyway.  I’m a Cancer & we’re very emotional people.   Anyway, I’ve decided (and with my stubbornness, that’s all it takes) that I’m going to find someone better, which shouldn’t be too hard to do.

I knew this day was coming for about a week now, so I tried to make plans for the weekend, having my sister come down to visit, hoping that distraction would be the best medicine. I’ve also been trying to find other friends to hang out with to help provide some much needed distraction and something to counteract any loneliness that may rear its ugly head. So far, I’ve just got my sister, for a day & a half. Let’s hope I don’t get into any trouble while he’s gone. Well, maybe some trouble, the good kind, is just what I need.  Good thing I’m in the perfect city for getting into trouble.

The last few times that we had sex, it was very disappointing, and it wasn’t just his fault. Although, the lack of any sort of foreplay, even kissing, certainly didn’t help me get into the mood.  A girl usually needs a little sumthin’ sumthin’ to get her going.  Preferably some oral, which he doesn’t do by the way.  Don’t worry, I love to reciprocate.  I have mad skills, if I do say so myself, and I’ve been told so more than once.  I won’t say how many times, mainly because I can’t count that high. Just kidding.  Or am I? Hmmmm.  Also, kissing is a must.  How can people have sex without kissing?  I’ve never understood that.  Kissing is such a sensual act that it seems that if the kissing sucks, then the rest won’t be that good either.  I can’t stand it when a man doesn’t know how to kiss a woman.  I can’t express how much I love kissing.  Up, down, all around…it doesn’t have to be limited to just the lips.

Next, don’t just hop on and start pounding away, especially if you’re well endowed.  Work that thing in there easily guys.  Then treat it like a steam engine that has to slowly work up steam power.  Damn, now I’m horny.

So if anyone is up for a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ let me know.  LOL

I guess she’s an Xbox and I’m more Atari.