Archive | September 2010

Being Perfect

Similar to the holding cell I was in.

I sit here in shock today trying to comprehend what has happened to me over the last week and a half.  First I got arrested for DWI.  It was my first time ever being in trouble with the law. I had gone out to a gay bar to see a drag show, but I found out there was no show that night.  It was the night before.  So I had two mixed drinks and then left.  Evidently I drank the two drinks way too fast and for my height and weight, I was way over the limit.  It was a dumbass move on my part for me not to realize that I shouldn’t have been driving.

So, at the huge road block that was set up, sheriff’s office motor home and all, I got pulled over.  I told them the truth whenever they asked me questions.  The truth shall set you free, right?  Not this time.  I was cuffed and put in the back of a cruiser.  Off to the county jail I went.

I was surprised by how nice everyone was, from the sheriff’s deputies to the guards at the jail to the girls in the jail with me.  The hardest part of the whole experience was having to call my dad and tell him where I was.  I had already been crying all throughout the arresting/booking process, but I broke down in tears again after I got off the phone with him.  He’s an amazing man.  Even though what I had done was wrong and stupid, he still loves me and didn’t once sound mad, just disappointed, which to me is worse than if he had yelled at me.  My sister and dad were able to get in touch with my friend and he came and bailed me out.

This friend that bailed me out is a guy that I’ve known and been seeing off and on since January.  After sitting in that jail for twenty hours I was so thankful to have him as a friend.  He didn’t have to come and get me out.  He could have left me there to sit it out for another two days, but he didn’t.  He’s a wonderful giving person with a great sense of humor.  The only problem with him is that he and I both share a common problem.  We are serial cheaters.  Maybe cheater is the wrong word.  Both of us like the thrill of the hunt, conquering the opposite sex for our own personal pleasure and I suppose to make us feel better about ourselves, but it never quite works out the way we plan.

A relationship with him would be great if we could just learn to not go after every hot piece of ass that crossed our paths.  We also would have to figure out how to trust one another, because at this point I don’t trust him.  He’s already admitted lying to me and I knew before he even told me that he had been lying.  I have lied to him too though.  How can I trust him when I can’t even trust myself to tell the truth?

I don’t think I can do this either.

Not a Preacher's Daughter, but close enough.

So, I can’t sleep because my mind is in battle with itself.  Should I or shouldn’t I? Is it the right decision or wrong one? If only God would make it easy and just tell me, but then again I may be the faulty end of the communication line.  I need to open my ears, mind and heart and just listen, which is not an easy thing to do.  Just shutting down the threads of logic and nonsense running constantly through my brain is nearly impossible.

Goodnight.  Hopefully.