Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about poor me?!

I found this blog posting (When your partner guilts you into sex) last night about a young woman who was being guilted into sex by her boyfriend.  I can completely understand how she feels.  The man who I was seeing, Bobblehead Nerd, would do the same thing to me.  It was usually when he had been drinking excessively and I was sick.  When I have a bad cold, migraine, broken leg, or most recently, a day after having had knee surgery, I tend to not be in the mood for sex.  I believe that’s fairly normal.  However, he just didn’t understand that sometimes a person just isn’t in the mood.  He would try his best to get me going by cuddling, groping, and sweet talking.  None of that works when I’m sick though and I’ve told him that.  Knowing that the outcome to my saying no would be him getting pissed off sometimes pushed me into just giving in to him.  The times that I gave in like that, the sex, on my part, was miserable.  I just wanted it to be over and in the end I just felt violated and resentful towards him.

First of all, I loved this guy.  I was attracted to him, we had good sex, and I didn’t deny him sex because of anything he had done.

On the occasions that I said no and completely refused sex, once he finally figured out I was serious, he would say “Fine, I guess I’ll leave you alone then.”  If he had said it in a loving caring way I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but he said it in a huffy pouting spoiled child tone of voice.  He would then roll over, back towards me, or hop out of bed and not come back until hours later.  There were no soft touches showing he actually cared about my being sick or hurt.  If he wasn’t getting what he wanted, then he didn’t want to even touch me.

All of this happened on my birthday of all days, and the day after my surgery.  I was doped up on pain meds and just wanted to sleep.  Bobblehead Nerd wanted sex.  I said no.  He got pissed off.  The next morning he tried again to get me to have sex with him.  I still refused because my pain medicine had worn off and I was hurting even worse.  So, he jumps out of bed and sulks away.  Seeing him still acting like that just hurt me more and made me angry.  Why should I have to put up with that kind of behavior?  Well, I’m not going to anymore.

After noticing a pattern of this happening with him (he wants sex, I’m sick, I say no, he ignores my wishes, then either I give in and am miserable or I hold fast to my not wanting sex and we end up in a fight) I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him.

What would you do in a situation like this?

16 thoughts on “Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about poor me?!

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  4. Hi PD. Short of pingbacks from references in your own blog I don’t see any other comments here, and only one “like”. Which seems terribly unfair. I think you’ve asked a very reasonable question and it’s one that I think anyone in a sexual relation for more than a few days must have experienced.

    I can answer, of course, only first hand from the guy’s point of view. And while it is certainly not a chivalrous way to act, I understand how once the hormones get going, it’s hard to accept “no”. I’m sure I’ve been less than kind on occasion but hope I’ve taken my wife’s feelings into account for the most part.

    Hormones are not an excuse though. And if the relationship is solid, I have to believe that communication will carry you through most anything, including this.

    So to answer your question, what would I do? As a guy, I may act the same way – and it’s not a proper way to act. From your side, I’d do exactly what you have and say no and stick to it. I don’t think guilt is a good way to have any part of a relationship develop. And from both sides, I think the ideal solution is communication. That means really listening to your partner and not just re-stating your desires while remaining deaf to theirs.

    So now for the follow-up questions please? I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my wife since I was 17 years old. I’ve never known anyone else and don’t want to. She’s everything to me. And even if she wasn’t, again, I’m hampered from only experiencing the guy’s perspective. So with your self-professed expertise and experience, may I ask please, is Bobblehead Nerd’s attitude unique in your experience? Do most guys take it in stride when you’re not in the mood and just accept it? Or what is the general reaction. Not everyone, (male or female), is going to be in the mood every single time their partner is, so what’s your general experience?

    And part two … What about from the female perspective? I fully accept that broken legs and surgery and even having the sniffles or a headache are excellent grounds for not feeling amorous. And a hard day at work can also dampen libido. As can many other things, all of which are very understandable.

    There will also be times when, through no nefarious plan on either party’s part, these things gang up to create a stretch where one party may not feel in the mood for a length of time. Might be a day. Might be a week. Might be more. A bad stretch at the office can certainly keep you tired and out of sorts.

    So my question is, from a guy’s perspective, every “no” may seem like an eternity. What is an eternity from the female viewpoint please? And if either party is on an extended stretch of low libido, when does “guilting” the partner into a tumble change to “obligation”. And more importantly, since obligation is no way to run a relationship, what would you suggest for re-igniting a proper spark in a “long” dry spell by whatever standard you set?

    I’d be interested in your thoughts from both sides if you want to venture it.


    – Quidmont

    • Quidmont,

      Thank you so much for that great response. I don’t really profess to have much expertise, just a plethora of experience. 😉 You asked so many great questions that I think I’ll have to reply to them all in a new post. I’ve already been doing some research into the male perspective when it comes to sex and relationships so it was great to read your opinions.

      I would especially like to say that your being in a monogamous relationship with one person since you were 17 is a wonderful and rare thing. My parents also have that and I know it’s not always easy but it’s a blessing if you can find that kind of relationship and make it work.

      As for Bobblehead Nerd, my relationship with him is over now and I’m thankful for that.

      I’ll get to work right now on a new post that will answer your questions above.

      Thank you!

      • Thanks PD. And you’re right. Being in a monogamous relationship since 17 is rare and wonderful. But I’ll admit that it’s not for everyone. If it were, we’d all be there.

        I’ll be happy to share any insights I can from the male or monogamous perspective or any other I can. And for what it’s worth, while I do not have first hand experience, from many friends who have come from cultrues where arranged marriages still persist, I find that this is the single greatest source of long term, happy, monogamous relationships I’ve found.

        As one friend put it, you can marry for love or marry for family. In either you take your chances. But at least with an arranged marriage, you have the support of both families before you start. If you’re lucky, you’ll grow to love each other.

        And it’s not like in the olden days where kids were betrothed from birth. The families act more like a speed dating service as I understand it. They arrange for meetings with people they feel would be compatible for their children and when the two meet they can say yes or no.

        Super speedy though. There is no question of “will we kiss on the first date?!?” Instead it’s “well, do you want to get married?”

        A little matter-of-fact. But it works. 🙂

        Thanks for your insights PD. You have a wonderful blog here.

        – Quidmont

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  6. Well I am not one to say no, but if I am sick and have a good reason why, I would expect a little bit of compassion instead of pouting…you did the right thing kicking his ass to the curb girl 🙂

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