Archive | July 2010

Wild Child

Preacher's Daughter of the Day: Toni Braxton

When I was eleven my dad decided that it was time for us to go back to church.  It had been ten years and because I was so young when we left the church, it was a complete lifestyle change for me.  It wasn’t that bad at first, but once he started preaching and I hit my teens, I think I went into shock.  My dad went through phases.  The one that I remember and hated the most was his “women must wear dresses and have long hair” phase.  He has long since grown out of this phase, thank goodness.

I remember one day when I was thirteen and he wanted to go out to eat.  He came in and told me to get ready and put a dress on because we would be leaving soon.  I asked why I had to wear a dress.  He just told me to do what he said.  I got upset and told my mom that if I had to wear a dress I wasn’t going.  I think that was the beginning of my rebellion.  Before then I had pretty much always been a good kid that did as she was told.  It sounds silly I know, but for a thirteen year old, it was the end of the world as I knew it.  My mom must have had a talk with him because not long after, he backed down on the dress issue.  Once he backed down, I stopped being so stubborn about it.

It wasn’t until late in my junior year that I really started rebelling again.  I had a friend that he didn’t really like and I didn’t really care.  Still, my version of rebellion never included alcohol, sex, drugs or anything too bad.

I was still a good girl until I turned twenty-one and then I met back up with a friend that I went to high school with and started going out and partying at clubs and bars.  Still, there was only alcohol involved.  Compared to most people my age, I was very tame.

When I was twenty-two I lost my virginity and moved to the big city.  I partied, did some drugs, drank a lot, had one-night stands, sex in public places, all that good stuff.  That only lasted about six months, then I was burnt out.  After so many years of repression, it was about time that I sowed all my wild oats and then some.

It’s been almost fourteen years since I lost my virginity and sowed all those wild oats.  I think having a birthday recently has caused me to reminisce about the good old days.  When I read over my journals for that time period, I still can’t believe that I did some of those things.  What the hell was I thinking?

Boyfriend denied sex. Poor guy, but what about poor me?!

I found this blog posting (When your partner guilts you into sex) last night about a young woman who was being guilted into sex by her boyfriend.  I can completely understand how she feels.  The man who I was seeing, Bobblehead Nerd, would do the same thing to me.  It was usually when he had been drinking excessively and I was sick.  When I have a bad cold, migraine, broken leg, or most recently, a day after having had knee surgery, I tend to not be in the mood for sex.  I believe that’s fairly normal.  However, he just didn’t understand that sometimes a person just isn’t in the mood.  He would try his best to get me going by cuddling, groping, and sweet talking.  None of that works when I’m sick though and I’ve told him that.  Knowing that the outcome to my saying no would be him getting pissed off sometimes pushed me into just giving in to him.  The times that I gave in like that, the sex, on my part, was miserable.  I just wanted it to be over and in the end I just felt violated and resentful towards him.

First of all, I loved this guy.  I was attracted to him, we had good sex, and I didn’t deny him sex because of anything he had done.

On the occasions that I said no and completely refused sex, once he finally figured out I was serious, he would say “Fine, I guess I’ll leave you alone then.”  If he had said it in a loving caring way I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but he said it in a huffy pouting spoiled child tone of voice.  He would then roll over, back towards me, or hop out of bed and not come back until hours later.  There were no soft touches showing he actually cared about my being sick or hurt.  If he wasn’t getting what he wanted, then he didn’t want to even touch me.

All of this happened on my birthday of all days, and the day after my surgery.  I was doped up on pain meds and just wanted to sleep.  Bobblehead Nerd wanted sex.  I said no.  He got pissed off.  The next morning he tried again to get me to have sex with him.  I still refused because my pain medicine had worn off and I was hurting even worse.  So, he jumps out of bed and sulks away.  Seeing him still acting like that just hurt me more and made me angry.  Why should I have to put up with that kind of behavior?  Well, I’m not going to anymore.

After noticing a pattern of this happening with him (he wants sex, I’m sick, I say no, he ignores my wishes, then either I give in and am miserable or I hold fast to my not wanting sex and we end up in a fight) I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him.

What would you do in a situation like this?

Clock’s-a-tickin’

I shouldn’t have to go to one man for cuddles and foreplay and another for an orgasm.  Isn’t there a package deal available?  A one-stop shopping center for men?  It is too tiring having to go from man to man searching for the perfect lay.  I’m about to turn 36 in a couple of days and my clock’s-a-tickin’.  No, not that clock, the “It’s time to stop fucking around and have a real relationship with a man who truly knows how to satisfy me in every way” clock.