Archive | May 21, 2010

Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.

Much of my adult life has revolved around my romantic relationships with men, and a couple of women.  I have been married twice.  The first when I was in my early twenties and the second when I was in my early thirties.  Neither lasted very long.  Each relationship had its unique set of problems.  Other than my marriages, I have been in a few other serious relationships, and countless shorter-lived relationships.  I cannot lie.  I love men and sex.

Once again, my life has been infiltrated by a man.  This time by a nice middle-class computer guru (Bobblehead Nerd).  He’s a divorced father of two teenage boys.  Our relationship has been rocky to say the least.  It seems that every two or three months we have a huge fight about something that I never quite understand, or if I do it’s not something that I think he should have blown up over.  I know I can be aloof, if not even downright cold at times, but most of the time I’m a very loving laid back type of person.

I tend to go back and forth over whether I should be with the person that I’m with and it’s a daily struggle for me.  Self-doubt is constantly in the back of my mind.  Am I with this person for the right reasons?  Do I really love him?  Do I even know what love is?  What if it’s yet another doomed relationship?  These questions go through my mind almost daily.

I’ve been sick with a bad cold and trying to rest and get better and he knew this.  Yet he calls tonight to yell at me and ask “Well do you want to talk to me or what?”  When he gets stressed about work or his kids or anything he tends to turn it around and find some way to direct his anger and frustration towards me.  Evidently because I hadn’t called or text him since this morning he thought that I was ignoring him.  At that point I usually go into lock-down mode and then I really don’t want to talk to him.  Pushing me in a corner and trying to pry a conversation out of me won’t work.  I’ll talk when I want to talk and when I have something to say.

He ranted about his job and the hell that they were putting him through and I listened.  When I told him that I didn’t know what to tell him, he said that I could tell him that he’ll make it, or that it’ll be alright.  He just wanted to hear something supportive.  I wish I knew how to be more supportive.  My mind tends to go blank when hearing someone bitch about their work, kids, husbands, ex-wives, families, or anything else that sounds like “poor-me” whining.

I’ve been through a lot of weird, sad, hurtful, and painful stuff, but you don’t hear me bitching about it all the time.  It happened.  It’s in the past.  Move on.  It does get better.