Archive | May 2010

I used to be snow white, but then I drifted.

What little innocence I had is now gone.  I can’t believe that I actually believed that there were still people in this world that were infallible, above the sexual temptations of this world.  That there were people that still believed in marriage, monogamy and integrity.  I guess even the best of us waver at times though.  Personally I’ve wavered more times than I can remember.

One of my favorite quotes is from Mae West.  “I used to be snow white, but then I drifted.”  It’s so true.  Technically, I was an adulterer.  Even though I waited until after I left my first husband, technically we were still married.  The second time was right before the end of the marriage and I suspected he was cheating.  I had found a profile that he had posted on an adult dating website looking for some one on one “fun.”  Even though I never found out for sure whether or not he had actually cheated, I took that as all the proof I needed.  After that I think I just gave up and my wedding vows sort of lost all meaning.

The whole point of this is that someone that I thought was a saint in the fidelity department is actually human just like the rest of us.  At first I wanted to judge, but being the good little church girl, I remembered that verse, Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”  So even though I’m still in shock and a little heart-broken, I’ll do my best not to judge.

Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.

Much of my adult life has revolved around my romantic relationships with men, and a couple of women.  I have been married twice.  The first when I was in my early twenties and the second when I was in my early thirties.  Neither lasted very long.  Each relationship had its unique set of problems.  Other than my marriages, I have been in a few other serious relationships, and countless shorter-lived relationships.  I cannot lie.  I love men and sex.

Once again, my life has been infiltrated by a man.  This time by a nice middle-class computer guru (Bobblehead Nerd).  He’s a divorced father of two teenage boys.  Our relationship has been rocky to say the least.  It seems that every two or three months we have a huge fight about something that I never quite understand, or if I do it’s not something that I think he should have blown up over.  I know I can be aloof, if not even downright cold at times, but most of the time I’m a very loving laid back type of person.

I tend to go back and forth over whether I should be with the person that I’m with and it’s a daily struggle for me.  Self-doubt is constantly in the back of my mind.  Am I with this person for the right reasons?  Do I really love him?  Do I even know what love is?  What if it’s yet another doomed relationship?  These questions go through my mind almost daily.

I’ve been sick with a bad cold and trying to rest and get better and he knew this.  Yet he calls tonight to yell at me and ask “Well do you want to talk to me or what?”  When he gets stressed about work or his kids or anything he tends to turn it around and find some way to direct his anger and frustration towards me.  Evidently because I hadn’t called or text him since this morning he thought that I was ignoring him.  At that point I usually go into lock-down mode and then I really don’t want to talk to him.  Pushing me in a corner and trying to pry a conversation out of me won’t work.  I’ll talk when I want to talk and when I have something to say.

He ranted about his job and the hell that they were putting him through and I listened.  When I told him that I didn’t know what to tell him, he said that I could tell him that he’ll make it, or that it’ll be alright.  He just wanted to hear something supportive.  I wish I knew how to be more supportive.  My mind tends to go blank when hearing someone bitch about their work, kids, husbands, ex-wives, families, or anything else that sounds like “poor-me” whining.

I’ve been through a lot of weird, sad, hurtful, and painful stuff, but you don’t hear me bitching about it all the time.  It happened.  It’s in the past.  Move on.  It does get better.

Hello world!

Welcome to my blog, “Confessions of a Preacher’s Daughter.”  I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I should identify myself, and after giving it a lot of thought I decided not to.  Why?  Because many of the things that I have done and probably will do in the future are not something that I want my family to know about, out of respect for them and also so that I can avoid any unwanted lectures or personal sermons.  Also, I want to be able to be completely honest, and in order to feel free to do so, I require anonymity.  So, from this point on you can just call me Ginger.

A little about me.  I’m a 35 year old preacher’s daughter and I am from the South, but I’m not your stereotypical southern belle or redneck.  I’m a self-proclaimed geek, and I just found a long white hair on my shirt.  I loathe getting older.  Anyway, I love my family and friends.  I believe that even though I may not always agree with my family, I still respect them and their beliefs and they keep me grounded no matter what path I choose.

I enjoy traveling.  I’ve lived in several states and enjoyed my time in each.  The people that I have met along the way have helped me learn, grow and open my eyes to what is possible.

I hope that through my writings I can share my story and feelings and views on life.  Who knows.  Maybe along the way I can also help to change someone’s life for the better.  Maybe even my own.